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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not being able to get a dog.....

43 replies

Headinabook85 · 22/02/2018 09:49

I have wanted a dog since I left home 15 years ago. I grew up with beautiful dogs my whole childhood and love them dearly. Various reasons why we havent:moves abroad, working full time, cost etc.

Finally got to the point where we are settled and living in our own house, got husband to agree to getting a dog-a year from now. We planned to get a puppy and our dog mad children would be old enough to join us on walks. All good so far.

However, husbands job situation has changed again and the chances of getting said dog now look slim to none. He will be travelling more than he does now and even when he is at home he will have a different commute which will see him leave earlier and return later. I also work part time and have small children...I kind of need the extra pair of hands should we introduce the dog to the family.

I would never get a dog just to fulfil my desire if I wasn't sure I could devote myself to looking after it and walking it. I doubt finances will stretch enough to afford a dog walker on the days I need help.

Please fill me in on reasons why it is good NOT to get a dog so I can get over my disappointment.

This is the latest in a long list of things I would have liked in my life that have never happened thanks to OH's job. Living in the country, living near family, having a more rural lifestyle-everything that felt intrinsically part of me is now not a part of my life at all. I have moved countries, settled in places I'd not normally choose to live and put up with OH travelling to all sorts of God awful, dangerous places all whilst holding down my.job and raising our children.

The pressures his job puts on me is immense and this disappointment is about the dog is felt even more keenly for it.

His job gets me very down at times but recently I made a huge effort to start regular exercise and overhaul my diet to give me a mental health boost. The last two weeks or so I have felt very content and happy again....losing my dream of dog ownership is making me teeter on the edge of unhappiness again. I wonder if it's more the fact that it's another dream shelved rather than the actual dog issue....

OP posts:

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 22/02/2018 11:10

I would do what Jessie suggested and tell my dh that I want things to change.
I'd tell him just how unhappy I was and how my life had become a series of compromises to facilitate his dreams at the expense of my own and that the time had come for him to start planning a change of career. He probably will be resistant to the idea because he has become accustomed to having life exactly as he wants it, but this is your life too and if he loves and respects you, he will change his life so that you get some of ehat you want too. But I think you are going to have to be active about it and not be fobbed off.

mydogisthebest · 22/02/2018 11:11

An older rescue dog might work if you can get a rescue that would let you have one. They all have different criteria so worth looking into.
Greyhounds don't need much exercise and make great pets. There are always loads looking for homes so might be worth investigating?

If you couldn't walk the dog in the mornings before you go to work could you afford a dog walker to walk them?

One of my nieces uses "borrow my doggy". She doesn't just walk dogs, she also has them in her home for a few days at a time if the owner is going away. She looks after one particular dog on a regular basis and has her at her home fairly often. She can't have her own dog because of the long shifts she works and so this set up is ideal for her

RickOShay · 22/02/2018 11:13

Op I was thinking you could use the borrow my dog for your dog
I had a similar situation in that dh didn’t like dogs, but I do. He gets lots of thing he wants, the dog was and is mine. I do work shorter hours than you, but I think where there’s a will there’s a way.
Forgive me if I am wrong but you sound a bit beaten down. It’s ok to want what you want and get it, even if it’s not exactly perfect.

iceycage · 22/02/2018 11:17

I haven't read all the replies but what about a low maintenance dog that doesn't need much exercise such as a bulldog, Bassett hound, pug (although I know of the potential health concerns). Google "dogs that don't need much exercise" and a list will come up. They all need some of course but my friend with a pug has a big pen in the garden and pops him in that every morning before she heads to Work and that's plenty for him. Or consider fencing off your garden so you can let it have a run around so you won't have to worry about taking it out in the morning?

My sister has three King Charles spaniels and they are so low maintenance I'm tempted myself to get one !

mydogisthebest · 22/02/2018 11:17

Forgot to add the negatives of having a dog!

Having to make arrangements for every holiday or even day or evening out (we don't leave our dog for more than 4 hours).

The cost of dog sitters/walkers etc. We went away for 2 weeks last summer and the dog sitter cost just short of £700.

The house is never totally clean and tidy even though we have a non shedding breed.

The cost of vets.

The awfulness when they die.

I still wouldn't be without one though!

Enuffsenuffsenuff · 22/02/2018 11:44

It sounds to me like the problem isn't so much the dog as the fact that you have had to make so many compromises for the sake of your husband's career. Have you spoken to him about that? Is there any compromise available that would let you have some of the dreams you've had to give up?

In terms of the dog itself, I don't know that it's totally impossible. If you had a small breed that didn't need much exercise it could work. And perhaps you could solve the dog walking issue by teaming up with another owner with the same problem to share the job (I.e. You each take the others dog as well as your own when you walk them on alternate days or something). Not sure if that's possible or not, just hoping this is something that works out for you!

tkband3 · 22/02/2018 11:53

I was going to suggest a retired greyhound racer...quite happy to sleep on the sofa, and definitely wouldn't need more than letting out to do a wee before you left for work. But equally happy to walk with you as and when you want to/are able to. Loving and trusting dogs, who just need a comfortable sofa after working hard for the first few years of their lives.

liquidrevolution · 22/02/2018 12:01

another one desperately wanting a dog here! I work 4 days a week although at home 1 or 2 days of that. My DH was a farm worker so would normally have had the dog with him but got made redundant and had to take a warehouse job. Not many openings for him to get back into farming sadly. We'd want another collie. And we have a kennel in the garden so unlikely to be allowed to adopt a rescue (plus collie rescues can be from abroad so little known of history and we have a 3 yr old DD). I feel a puppy would be too much hard work at the moment.

I just feel so . I also moved here to be with DH and we are near to his family but miles away from mine so location is not brilliant. We could have a much larger and nicer house even if we moved 1 hr closer to my parents and he may even find a farm job again. But he won't consider it.

callymarch · 22/02/2018 12:05

www.borrowmydoggy.com/

Original poster

Headinabook85 · 22/02/2018 12:11

Thank you to those who have commented in regard to my marriage. You are right; I do need to become more assertive.

It is not completely one sided though. His current compromise is we remain in the UK rather than move abroad again. I have nothing against living abroad if you are the person to set the location, length of time away and all the rest of it. Instead our situation would very much be in the company's hands which I have found disruptive when we relocated in the past....we also have few appealing locations to choose from. My husband would take another overseas posting very keenly should he be offered it....in this sense I am holding him back.

Regarding the dog I feel hope again....either to get a dog still or just postpone our plans until things get a little more suited.

I don't have family nearby to help out and I'm not sure we could do a dog walker. Borrow my doggy will be our answer I feel.

Thank you for your replies.

OP posts:

RingFence · 22/02/2018 14:39

If you'd struggle to afford a dog walker how would you afford vet bills/insurance, kennels/sitter for when you want to go on holiday or have a day out without the dog?

I don't think it's a good idea to get one until you're settled in your careers and have enough income to cover dog sitters/walkers and insurance. Without that the dog will dictate your working hours, where you go on holiday, what you do with days off etc. It sounds like your husband isn't that keen on getting a dog and I don't blame him.

saggynappy · 22/02/2018 15:35

There’s a frenchdog in ‘bedsforbullies’ that needs a home and is good with children, also says ‘good indoors’ which usually means fine left alone. As a few PP have said they aren’t huge walkers and like being indoors warm!

NotSoSprightly · 22/02/2018 15:50

Ring The odd vet bill is a lot different and far more doable than paying a dog walker £10 every single day! I'm sure the OP isn't stupid and realises that dogs will need occasional vet trips.

kinkajoukid · 22/02/2018 16:01

Aw, I feel for you OP. We cannot have pets (renting) and it is really upsetting. Just feels empty with them.

Your work hours would make it difficult to have a dog of any age I think. Even older dogs that need rehoming can be set in their ways if they are used to quiet older people.

Would a couple of cats be any consolation? I love cats myself so would jump at the chance, but they will also give a home that lovely cuddly pet feeling, and be a comfort to you when your DH is away, but without needing walks!

LakieLady · 22/02/2018 16:33

I work part time and my dog is fine with it. She has a dog flap, so she can get in the back garden when she needs a wee.

I wouldn't rule it out, but you need to consider the breed carefully. A greyhound sounds ideal (although would rule out a dog flap - one big enough for a GH would easily be big enough for a burglar), so maybe a whippet might suit? They only need a short sprint and a comfy sofa to meet their basic needs.

All breeds have their own dedicate rescue organisation, when you think you know what you want, the Kennel Club can give you contact details.

I would rather live in a kennel with my dog than in a palace without her.

Skittlesss · 22/02/2018 17:02

I have chihuahuas and a big garden so they don't need to be taken on long walks all the time. They're very happy (and I have considered a microchip cat flap for them if I ever change jobs and can't be with them as much).

specialsubject · 22/02/2018 17:37

Somebody in earshot of me thinks a dog is fine if left outside on its own. The dog disagrees loudly for at least two hours a day . now in year two of this battle.

Borrow someone else's. Please.

MatildaTheCat · 22/02/2018 17:54

OP, I always wanted a dog and had to wait until youngest went to uni before the time was right. It’s perfect for us although we do use a dog walker a few days a week.

I joined Borrow my Doggy as I needed help on Sundays. I have a disability which happened since we got ddog. Anyway, I got lots of offer( he’s super cute and super friendly) but on the whole people were flakey. They wanted to just decide on a sunny day that they fancied a walk whereas I needed regularity and reliability as far as possible.

I was just about to give up after meeting several people who just vanished after a few outings. Then I met my current dodgy friends. They are a delightful couple who work full time and live walking. They are also dog aware and very sensible. They now walk him also every weekend and we get on great. So win win.

It took time but if you are able to offer reliable and regular walks there are lots of people who would be thrilled. If you join, put in the effort and persevere ( really similar to online dating!) it can be absolutely wonderful.

You can get your forever dog a bit later.

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