Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be irritated by this?

21 replies

harman · 03/05/2007 10:07

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
harman · 03/05/2007 10:08

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
GreebosWhiskers · 03/05/2007 10:18

YANBU

But then I've experienced this sort of thing too. When I left ex-h ('cos he was having an affair with my 'best friend') we were both on benefits. She moved in with him straight away even before all my stuff was out & she was working but claimed to still be living with her mum. He was getting his dole, his rent & council tax paid & they were spending her wages on decorating, going out etc. Difference is, he was boasting to me about going out & spending £40 in pizza hut when I was raising his kids on nothing. He only ever made one payment too after he started working & still owes me £4k thro' the CSA.

Sorry, rant over. If he is paying you a pittance but apparently earning loads can you go to the CSA & see if you can get it increased?

throckenholt · 03/05/2007 10:21

understandably irritating - however you don't say how much the girlfriend pays for - assuming she lives there now - maybe she is funding much of it.

Maybe time to tactfully revisit how much maintenance your kids gets with ex.

harman · 03/05/2007 10:35

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 03/05/2007 10:42

"I know he has taken out loans to get the work done". So it may look very nice but who are they trying to impress and if they have to borrow money to gain all of that materiality I would feel slightly appalled, especially since giving you extra maintenance is something he won't do. A friend's xh does this- won't increase payments because he doesn't want to see my friend with the money as she doesn't 'deserve' it. No mention of the children then. He buys lots of nice cars, holidays, jewellery for his gf etc.

And what must the kids think when they come home to you? That they love you and you are doing a fab job probably.

He's not living in luxury, he's living on borrowed money.

harman · 03/05/2007 10:49

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
edam · 03/05/2007 10:52

Harman, think your kids will see that you are working hard for them and their dad is flashing his cash and obviously not spending it on them. I remember my dad getting his sitting room recarpeted TWICE while mucking around with maintenance (my stepmother said the first brand new carpet 'smelt fishy'. We were not impressed.

Boco · 03/05/2007 10:54

When my dad left and moved in with a wealthy woman with horses and a big house, i certainly wasn't impessed! Kids want to feel at home and loved and appreciated, adn if he's paying you a pittance he's not doing that, and they'll realise soon enough. I'm sure they'll see through the material things.

powder28 · 03/05/2007 10:57

Not unreasonable. Let him have his luxurious lifestlye, its only material things. If he decides these are more important than his own children then he is a very sad case.

MrsThierryHenry · 03/05/2007 10:58

Sounds to me like he's thinking with his groin and trying to impress his gf without considering the long-term conseqs. If he really is earning as little as he says, and is relying so heavily on loans, then you can rest assured he's not just on borrowed money but also borrowed time. At some point (maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day...) he will be forced to face the fact that the original loans plus exorbitant interest fees are towering above him and far too much for him to handle.

He may well then bury his head in the sand and hope the problem will go away, but you and I know it won't. His gf and your kids will then realise what an ass he really is, and he'll probably end up either having to declare himself bankrupt - in which case he'll be forced to sell all those lovely assets and no more loans, matey! - or he'll end up on one of those humiliating sort-your-life-out TV progs where people on benefits with a designer clothing addiction end up looking like right monkeys while the experts help them sort their lives out.

I know none of this changes your financial situation, but it might be a good opportunity to explain to your children the importance of financial wisdom and dangers of living on credit.

bossykate · 03/05/2007 11:00

yanbu. you are better off without this charmer for sure! completely agree with powder28.

MrsThierryHenry · 03/05/2007 11:07

Oh - and by the way, when I was growing up we didn't have much money and I was always jealous of my friends, who could shop at places like Benetton and Next, while I was stuck with Edam and Chelsea Girl (remember them?!!...ohhh...trip down memory lane). It really bothered me until I grew up and became an adult. I realised how incredibly hard my wonderful mother had worked for us and how meaningless material things really are, and I am so glad that I had the opportunity to grow 'as a person' by NOT having all the material whatnots handed to me on a plate.

Your kids will probably find the money thing tricky for a while, maybe even for a few years; but to be honest all children go through one difficulty or another. If it's not money it's something else - and it never lasts. If like my folks you are imparting sound values about life, respecting people and what really matters, you will most likely find that when they get through the difficult childhood/ teenhood patch, they come out much stronger and more sorted on these issues than the kids who are given everything.

harman · 03/05/2007 21:51

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
NKF · 03/05/2007 21:58

A £200 present isn't spoiling him. It's money and stuff. And everyone is right. That isn't the stuff that matters. I think you were very restrained. I'd have found it hard not to snoop.

NineUnlikelyTales · 03/05/2007 22:03

Edam and Chelsea Girl (Sorry MrsTH)

YANBU but your exp is an idiot.

MrsApron · 03/05/2007 22:04

sorry but rofl at Edam

and you are not being unreasonable. You are probably annoyed because it is a clear indication of his priorities.

lucykate · 03/05/2007 22:06

i don't think you do need to be in a position to repay the money in order to borrow it. these days its incredibley easy to borrow money, lots of it, and before you know it wind up in debt.

you should pity him, how does the saying go?, the one about knowing the price of everything but the value of nothing.

Blu · 03/05/2007 22:12

YANBU.
But I have to say I admire your chutzpah:
Harman "Hello, builder, I am the owners ex wife. We are just passing and I wonder if we could nip in so that I can borrow a pair of his girlfriends knickers for my daugter to wear"

harman · 03/05/2007 22:15

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
hatwoman · 03/05/2007 22:26

good post from Mrs Thierry. There's also the possibility that they don;t even have the "difficult" time coping with it/not quite seeing through it. I never ever liked my dad's house. It wasn;t my home. It didn;t have my things in it. I didn't feel welcome. It actually wasn't a nice house but I would have felt the same way about it whatever it was like. My home was with my steadfast, loving, hard-working, devoted mum. And even at age 14 I recognised all those things in her and adored her for it. (ok I might not always have let her know but I never stopped feeling it). Children aren't daft.

Blondilocks · 03/05/2007 22:37

I'd have thought it's pretty easy to acquire money - I know mates with mediocre jobs yet several credit cards with £14k limits. Don't really see the point of flashing the cash if you can't really afford it as it'll only come back to bite you later on- you don't know if she is pushing him to do it or contributing or whatever or if it's a show-off thing to do.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread