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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to hire help in this situation?

28 replies

MartagonLilies · 22/02/2018 08:48

I'm a SAHM, with 3 DC who are all at school age. One of them has SN (autism currently being diagnosed, school treating them as such in regards to extra support for them there)

I have utter exhaustion, not sure what it is yet, still having scans / tests etc. I'm on supplements to help.
I'm really struggling. I'll admit that I am slightly lazy too, however I am having trouble with my constant tiredness.
I don't know how to manage DC's meltdowns properly and now one of my other DC is copying the behaviour.

The place is fairly tidy, just have a pile of 'stuff' in each room. I can't seem to manage a day where everything is done - dinner prepped and ready, house neat and clean, children played with/ bathed etc, myself showered and looking semi presentable. Something (normally more) always falls short on that list.

Its making me unhappy, and I feel guilty about the amount my DH will do when he comes home from work. It feels to me that we should be a team, and that I'm letting him down.

We not rich by any means, however we're not horribly skint either. I was wondering about outsourcing or hiring in help, but what? Is it even really OK to do that, when I'm at home? Is there alternative way that will help?

OP posts:

Original poster

MartagonLilies · 22/02/2018 08:49

I've NC for this btw.

OP posts:

halcyondays · 22/02/2018 08:54

Yes of course it's ok.
Why not get a cleaner if you can afford it?
Simplify things, meals that need little prep, etc.

goodnessidontknow · 22/02/2018 08:55

If you're struggling and can afford it then why not? If it will reduce stress and make your home a better place to be that is worth a lot. I would send out the washing/ironing and maybe have someone come in to help do the bigger cleaning jobs once a month.

It depends what you find most difficult. I'm disabled so struggle with housework but also get quite down that I can't do it! I have found that someone coming in to help means I feel I have achieved as I do what I can and the whole house still ends up clean.

Original poster

MartagonLilies · 22/02/2018 08:55

I think it's also the week to week things too - meal planning, shopping, ironing, budgeting, deeper cleaning, paper work, SENCO meetings, etc.

I just can't manage it all, and our weekends are pretty boring because of it. I'd like to get out a bit more as family too. Perhaps it might help, and break up the monotony.

OP posts:

halcyondays · 22/02/2018 08:57

Don't iron clothes or do deep cleaning unless absolutely necessary. Shop online and mostly do the same meals in rotation so less planning to do.

Original poster

MartagonLilies · 22/02/2018 08:59

I crossed posted.
I was thinking of along those line too, cleaner or sending ironing out.
Maybe getting someone in to help with the DC? Not a nanny though.
We can't afford it all though, so just whatever will make the most impact. I was just trying to understand if it's justified, with me being at home, and DC in school.

OP posts:

Welshmaenad · 22/02/2018 09:02

God, do it.

I have ME, I'm also still recovering from surgery. I'm a single mum to 2. 1 who is disabled, with no family help (my parents are dead). I'm also working full time in a very stressful job.

My cleaner keeps me sane. It's so lovely coming home to a sparkly house after she's been. She does stuff that most 'regular' cleaners probably wouldn't do- cat litter trays etc - she's an angel.

I don't give a crap about ironing but if I did I would outsource it.

I get all my shopping delivered by Ocado and pretty much everything else courtesy of Amazon Prime.

Do whatever you need to to make life easier for yourself! Good luck xx

Original poster

MartagonLilies · 22/02/2018 09:29

Welsh You seem more than justified in needing a cleaner though. You work FT, have ME, a disabled DC and are a single parent.

I was considering whether someone to help with DC may be OK? School runs are difficult, as I often arrive to find my DC with SN is somewhere else in the school, having a complete meltdown. It takes ages to get home if this happens, and the rest of the evening is a write off as a result.
It's hard to give them all the attention they need, which also makes me guilty.
Mealtimes don't happen as family any more, it was too stressful, even though I miss them. I'll admit I'll hand out devices / allow screen time after they've eaten as it's just easier
It's all very disorganised, even though I try my best to keep to a routine for DC.

OP posts:

Enuffsenuffsenuff · 22/02/2018 09:34

Of course it's justified OP - you have a lot on your plate, and it's too much for you to be full time carer to your kids and manage all of the housework and cooking on top of it. Especially if you aren't totally well. I would get in a cleaner once a week and have them take your ironing away weekly as well. It will free up a huge amount of time for you and give you your weekends back to do meaningful things with your family.

Women today are told we can have it all, but often that actually translates to 'having to do it all'. There is no shame in recognising what you actually have the time and energy to accomplish and outsourcing the rest. It doesn't mean you're lazy or have failed - it means you know the best way to maximise your family's health and happiness.

halcyondays · 22/02/2018 09:34

You don't need to justify it. Although if you do, constant exhaustion and 3 dc, one with SN is plenty of reason to.

Enuffsenuffsenuff · 22/02/2018 09:35

Sorry, cross-posted - doesn't have to be a cleaner, you're justified in hiring whatever help you need x

ElsieMay123 · 22/02/2018 09:41

First off I'd say don't make a decision based on how other people cope - they are not you and it doesn't matter what they do!
Second, instead of/as well as home help have you thought about counselling support? Congnitive behavioural therapy or mindfulness are two I've tried that really helped. You do have a lot to deal with (everyone does, that's life!) so learning some ways to handle it might give you the confidence to get the washing done, or stop feeling guilty about getting a cleaner!

ssd · 22/02/2018 09:43

its like anything in life, if you can afford it and it makes life easier do it

just be grateful you have the money to make the choice

Birdsgottafly · 22/02/2018 09:47

I don't think that you have to justify it, if both Partners agree on it.

We need money circulating in our Society. People need paid work.

How you run your household, do the best for your children and keep a good relationship/sex life going with your Partner (or for yourself) is no one's business.

BrutusMcDogface · 22/02/2018 09:48

How about a childminder to do your school runs? Also- are you sure your children aren't entitled to transport for Sen?

BrutusMcDogface · 22/02/2018 09:49

I'm sorry I've just reread your op and I guess you won't be entitled until your child has an official diagnosis.

Lanaa · 22/02/2018 09:51

You don't need to justify having help. You seem to be beating yourself up a bit. You're not lazy and you're not a failure. You sound like superwoman. I have no DC and still have someone to help me.

Do what you need to do to restore happiness. You sound like you're doing amazingly as is - just imagine how much better it could be. I used to help a woman out like who's when I was at uni. It worked well for us both - I did things like ironing, light cleaning, school runs, cooking and some overnights - not everyday it just fit around my uni hours. It took some of the pressure off her and I was paid which helped fund my studies.

KerplunkChampion · 22/02/2018 09:53

Get whatever help you can afford. Do bare minimum cleaning. Sandwiches are a legit dinner

PositivelyPERF · 22/02/2018 09:55

Apparently you can still hire housekeepers. I don’t know how much they cost but there was a discussion on here about them a while back. A housekeeper will give you help with loads of stuff, including ironing, paper work, etc. If I ever get my house to look less like a shit tip, I’d love to have one.

Btw, OP, you’re not lazy, you’re tired. I hope your health improves soon. 💐

Fosterdog123 · 22/02/2018 09:57

You do NOT need both partners to agree to it. YOU are struggling, so get some help in and don't for a single second feel guilty or as if you've failed. Even if your OH disagreed with you doing so, fuck him - it's your health/well-being that's suffering. Clearly, it's better to be united in decisions but can you imagine the scenario where he said, no way are you getting help in, you can shoulder it all yourself, even though you're telling me you can't keep on like this. In what way would that be acceptable. Do it OP - the sooner the better. Start with a cleaner and see how you go from there. Find someone you like and trust who seems flexible and you may well find that they are able to muck in a bit more over time with other tasks (laundry, shopping, food prep etc).

thecatsthecats · 22/02/2018 09:58

Cleaner and simple prep meals are probably the silver bullet here.

I adore my cleaner, and we chose to hire her to free up my hobby time in the evening, rather than always feeling that something had to be 'done'. (OH usually works late/travels, so is back by 8. I could do all the cleaning on the grounds we'd have equal free time, but both of us would rather I didn't, because he doesn't want me sniping and pissed off at doing all the housework, and wants me to have time for my hobby).

Allfednonedead · 22/02/2018 10:06

DO IT! Your mental health matters immensely, and if you can get someone to take some of the burden, you will be doing your whole family a favour.
Incidentally, I could have written a lot of your OP (3DC, one with ASD, totally overwhelmed) and after many years of engagement with MH services for depression, I was recently diagnosed with ADHD.
This is not to say that you have it, because t I’d suggest reading up a bit about executive function. Understanding that there is a specific aspect of ones brain that looks after decision-making and organising really helped me. It means that, instead of beating myself up and continually trying harder (banging my head against a brick wall), I can step back and look after myself, which means my executive function improves.
Long story short: get whatever help you can afford that will ease your burden. And don’t you dare feel guilty about it.

FlexTimeCheekyFucker · 22/02/2018 10:10

I was in a similar position and advertised locally for a 'Mother's Help'. Such an old fashioned term but it felt right. Got a lovely girl with references. She would come twice a week and do whatever I needed on the day. Washing, ironing, playing with baby, fetching older child from school (after a while), tidying or hoovering. It was such a help. She also came on a few days out in the holidays when I felt I couldn't do it on my own. Be kind to yourself.

sonjadog · 22/02/2018 10:19

You don't need to justify anything. If you can afford help then get as much as you can! There's aren't any awards handed out for the person who wears themself out by doing more than they can manage. Get the help you need so that you can enjoy your life more.

Welshmaenad · 22/02/2018 10:37

Of course is justified, if it makes life easier. Managing a child with SEN can be challenging. If you can afford help, get it. My cleaner started when I was on sick recovering from surgery and she cleaned around me as I lay on the sofa and she brought me cuppas, it felt indulgent but it made SUCH a difference to my quality of life.

What are your options - childminder, after school club? Do you have a room for an au pair even??

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