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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to my graduation? *possible trigger*

26 replies

Ilovecoleslaw · 22/02/2018 08:12

I've just finished my university course (yay) and my graduation ceremony will be this summer.
I have absolutely no intentions of going, main reasons being:
I really struggled with my mental health in the first year and half, but made some amazing friends who really supported me until I was raped by my friends friend. Those 'amazing' friends didn't believe me, subsequently making me feel 1000x worse, withdrawing my police statement and attempting suicide.
I then moved back home to finish my degree, and now have an amazing partner and great job.
My university is split across different towns, so I changed to a different town to finish my degree, but as it's the same university, we would all be graduating together.
I have been back once to the town where I was raped since it happened, and I was an emotional wreck the whole day, and never want to go back.
My problem is that my parents keep mentioning graduation and that I have to go, they want a picture of me in the gown etc. And I'll regret it if I don't go. My partners parents have also said the same thing, and have said they would also like to attend, and mention it almost everytime I see them. My partner supports me either way.

So aibu to not go back to the town where I was raped, and where my rapist still lives whilst also seeing the very people who were my best friends and didn't believe me? Or is it some right of passage that I must go to, no matter how difficult the day will be?

OP posts:
HopscotchShots · 22/02/2018 08:15

You don’t have to go but I would also see if there’s a way you get gets gone and have some photos done for your parents

RedHelenB · 22/02/2018 08:16

Sometimes what you dread turns out to be nowhere near as bad as you think. Have you friends at the other campus that will be graduating with you?
However if you have no intention of going you need to unequivocally tell your parents that's the case.

Dragongirl10 · 22/02/2018 08:18

So very sorry for what happened to you OP, please tell your parents and try and go with lots of support.

Handhold from here

RJnomore1 · 22/02/2018 08:19

Oh that's a hard one. Usually I'd say you must go, it's the celebration of all that hard work and you deserve the photos and memories.

But in your case I can see going would make you ill and you shouldn't have to do that.

I'm bloody angry on your part that you will miss out on something else because of what happened though when you are the innocent party.

I'm so sorry for what you have been through, you are incredibly strong Flowers

LizTaylorsFabulousTurban · 22/02/2018 08:21

I'm so sorry this happened to you Flowers.

Do your parents know what happened to you? If so, could you explain to them? Your partner's parents will have to respect your choice I'm afraid. They have no say on this.

To be honest graduation is quite boring for a graduand. Sitting around for hours clapping, dressed like Batman. The best bit is the party afterwards but obviously this is not something you will want to do. Why don't you suggest that you, your partner's parents, and your parents all go out for a nice lunch on the day of your graduation (but where you live now). That way you are marking the day, but you don't have to feel wretched or on edge. After all the day should be about you and your wishes.

SurferRona · 22/02/2018 08:23

Defer. Graduate the year following. Will be easier without those 'friends' there. Take a celebratory holiday instead, parents get their pics next time. Frankly, I found these ceremonies deeply dull.

AnoiaUnstickMyDrawers · 22/02/2018 08:26

You absolutely do not have to go.

If photos are important to you - my brother's graduation took photos of each graduate long before the ceremony when they first picked up and put on their cap and gown with a plastic tube 'degree'. You could do that bit only or could probably arrange that anywhere, not even in the same town as the graduation.

Have you considered speaking to the police again now that you are outside that circle of 'friends' ? Is that something you would like to do ?

blueskypink · 22/02/2018 08:29

You poor thing - of course you don't have to go.

My ds graduates this summer. The ceremonies take place over a week and the timetable has just been published. His is on the very last day and clashes with something else he does abroad with a group of friends each year. I'd love to see him graduate but I fully intend saying to him that if he wants to choose the thing with his friends that's absolutely fine with me and DH. He's worked extremely hard and his happiness matters far more to me than a photo of him in cap and gown.

Presumably your parents don't know what happened to you or they wouldn't want you to go back there.

Fekko · 22/02/2018 08:32

Dows your family know what happened though? It really is your call.

Blaablaablaa · 22/02/2018 08:39

Can you ask to graduate at a different ceremony....say you can't make yours. Sometimes a university will let you transfer to a quiet ceremony if you can't make yours for whatever reason. You wouldn't need to tell them why. Just say your on holiday or parents can't make your date

wornoutboots · 22/02/2018 08:46

I didn't attend mine - I just died the box on the forum to say I wished to graduate in absentia and that was that. My mother did sulk about it though.

You do not have to attend to be graduated with your cohort.

21 years on i still don't regret it.

wornoutboots · 22/02/2018 08:48

Aggh autocorrect! I ticked the box on the form, not died the box on the forum!

TheLastMermaid · 22/02/2018 08:58

I'd defer the ceremony too - but make sure you get your dated qualification from the institution this year or the 'proof' won't match the dates.on your cv. I've had this problem.

Sorry if someone else has already said this; no time to RTFT. Good luck, be kind to yourself.

PortToTheLeft · 22/02/2018 09:07

I'd defer the ceremony too - but make sure you get your dated qualification from the institution this year or the 'proof' won't match the dates.on your cv. I've had this problem.

Yes, this! I deferred graduation for a year and have to explain dates each time I get a job. It’s easily sorted, but important. Deferring would avoid the group of people, but doesn’t sort the problem of returning to the area. I can understand how hard that would be and you don’t owe it to anyone to atend the ceremony. Do or don’t do whatever is best for you.

HardAsSnails · 22/02/2018 09:25

I don't understand the issues with dates and stuff as I've never been to my graduation ceremonies. Surely graduating is the actual completing/passing the degree, the ceremony is just a ceremony.

OP, if you want to do the ceremony (and you have every right to do this) it's probably worth asking the university of you can attend another one. Good luck and well done Flowers

Haint · 22/02/2018 09:27

Graduation ceremonies are incredibly dull. I’d skip it

Enuffsenuffsenuff · 22/02/2018 09:39

You definitely don't have to go, and I'm so sorry about what happened to you.

You earned that degree and did something amazing so I can see why your parents want to celebrate, but you know yourself what you're comfortable with.

Could you hire a gown from Ede and Ravenscroft and just get some pictures done with your degree when it arrives? It wouldn't cost any more than the actual graduation and it would let your parents have a picture for their mantelpiece. You could just get them taken in a nice part of your own town.

Huge congratulations on your degree OP - especially after going through something so traumatic. You're a star xx

Bluelady · 22/02/2018 09:40

My stepson announced he wasn't going to his graduation. We were disappointed but had to suck it up, it wasn't our decision to make.

weaselwords · 22/02/2018 09:43

I didn’t go to my graduation ceremony because I couldn’t be bothered and was too tight to hire the gown etc. Your reason is far more valid! Don’t go. F

Charmatt · 22/02/2018 09:45

If you don't want to go, then don't. Too much is put by what things look like to other people and maintaining a front for an occasion. If you aren't happy and comfortable, it will show on the photographs anyway.

It's what you do with your degree that counts, not that you have a photo showing you holding it!

...My graduation photo is in a draw and that's the way I prefer it - I look awful on it.

squarecorners · 22/02/2018 09:52

I didn't go to my graduation- I pulled myself through my degree by the skin of my teeth after suffering mental health issues after being attacked in first year and the university offering absolutely zero support. If you have the certificate that is all you need.
Don't go if you don't want to. Graduate in absentia and get on with your life. Your parents will have other things to be proud of.

Allfednonedead · 22/02/2018 09:55

I went to my graduation and wish I hadn’t. Nothing traumatic, in my case, just very dull, expensive day with people I am no longer in touch with.
Graduate in absentia - it may be a pity for your parents, but it’s your degree!

Babdoc · 22/02/2018 10:05

It’s easy to get the photos done separately- when I DID attend my graduation the pics came out with my eyes shut (this was in the days before digital cameras!), so I simply made an appointment with the photographer a few weeks later and they provided the correct gown and did a re-shoot.
Your mental health is far more important than your family’s wish for a ceremony. It’s up to you, not them.
The only thing I do wonder though, is will you feel that the rapist and the shitty friends have “won”, by spoiling your graduation and making you stay away from fear of triggering? Would you, with lots of support, be able to attend, hold your head high and metaphorically stick two fingers up to them? It’s entirely your call, only you know what will be best for you, but good luck with whatever you choose to do, and please feel proud of yourself for completing your degree, with or without a ceremony! Big hug.

TerfyMcTerface · 22/02/2018 10:13

If it's seeing your "friends" that's the main problem, it may be possible to defer your graduation to the next ceremony (which would probably be in the winter / spring). Many universities offer this option.

meredintofpandiculation · 22/02/2018 10:20

I didn't go to mine because I was young and "cool". Realised in later years how much it would have meant to my parents. In your situation, it doesn't look possible for you to go. Talk to the gown hire people, see if it would be possible to hire the gown in another town and get the photos for your parents. (The ceremony itself is beyond boring so you're not missing anything)