To think this is a terribly selfish thing to do when you have children

[WinterAx]

A friend of mine has two children and she and her DH (the step father) regularly take drugs. It started with one off use here and there at the odd party or concert but over time it’s developed in to weekly “sessions” where a large group of them go round to their house (when her DC are staying with their father) and are all up until the early hours binging on large amounts of MDMA and cocaine. It’s also become apparent that they sneak off to do these drugs at family parties, weddings, birthdays, basically any excuse. It’s all they seem to think about now and can’t have fun without it. People have no idea this is going on see them as a decent couple with lovely children, a beautiful large family home, both older parents and in very successful jobs.

AIBU in being worried for the children and thinking their behaviour is shockingly selfish and irresponsible as parents? I’m not aware that they actually use drugs with the children present, however, I know they’ve spoken about having to pick the kids up the morning after a heavy night, feeling terrible. I dread to think if anything were to happen to her and the poor children would be left without a mother. I’ve tried to speak to her as an older friend who cares but she is well and truly in denial, apparently everyone uses drugs these days and it’s all perfectly normal and ok to continue doing so as parents. Surely when you make the decision to have children this sort of behaviour should stop?!

[user1494250093]

This used to be me (before I had kids). Me and a couple of family members used to do coke round each other's houses every week, at weddings, family gatherings etc. It was obvious what we were doing, and I'm now horrified and ashamed that they knew and could see what a state we were getting into.
Ultimately, if they're not harming anyone but themselves, I'd leave them to it, and be a bit gentle with them. It's strange, but, having been part of such a group, I really did believe that doing it made me superior to other people, and that I had a cool little secret (that wasn't a secret at all!).
In retrospect I now realise that it was a fucktonne of low confidence and low self-esteem talking.

[HereYetAgain]

What gets me though is the smugness of these people. I know a few bankers wives who shove cocaine up their nose and jet off to Ibiza every couple of months to have a girls weekend in some villa. One of them recently commented on my boring lifestyle by telling me "that's because I've got a life".

I actually worked in 2 exotic holiday resorts when I was in my late teens and early twenties. I then lived on the equator for 17 years somewhere really flash and have had more fun than 3 people put together. Now in my 40's I chose to live a bit more soberly.

A 40 something women cavorting round Ibizan clubs high on coke is really not a good look.

[user1494250093]

Really realated to "everyone uses drugs these days" too. They don't, it's just when you do you surround yourself with others who do too! It was quite a surprise to me to find out how many people don't drink, use drugs etc...

[rocketgirl22]

I would love for someone to come on the thread and tell me what the point is of getting high when you are heading for fifty years of age...

A friend of mine had a party and they left coke in the downstairs loo, her dc were in there the next day. Really terrible behaviour and an accident waiting to happen, needless to say that was her first and last 'big' party.

[KERALA1]

Will they keep doing it? Kids are pretty smart I reckon DD1 would clock it if DH and I were behaving like this (laughable we didn't even take drugs when young). Imagine being the hypocrite telling early teens to stay away from drugs while they witness your come downs?

[PhelanThePain]

I guarantee you that at that level of use they are keeping their stash in the house. You may just hope those kids never find it when no-one is looking.

[rocketgirl22]

Our dc are early teens and all of them switched on enough to see the signs for sure, and also given the drugs education they all receive they would absolutely know.

The worst thing is that some of my friends 'expect' their teens to take drugs....and are very relaxed and complacent about it. When we discuss it they make me feel like a prude, and somehow naive. I am far from naive and have done and seen my fair share and I REALLY don't want any of that for my kids.
It is like the addictions, danger and overdoses happen to other people, couldn't possibly happen to them or their kids. This kind of superior attitude is sickening to listen to. I feel sorry for their kids mostly. They have no chance.

[Lizzie48]

I do recommend flagging this up with SS. It's the fact that they're probably driving afterwards with their DCs in the car that would worry me more than anything else, this is dangerous. And the escalation as well, it was occasional previously, from what the OP said, now it's weekly. That's a sign of dependence, I think.

I've never been offered drugs or been around people who take them either. Maybe I was at uni too long ago, 1989-1993. Things have changed so much, there was a lot of drinking, but no drugs offered, despite it being in London.

[greendale17]

I would report to social services. Their level of dependence seems to be increasing

[Mishappening]

A friend's son died in an accident caused by the driver having residual cannabis in the system from the night before. They are behaving irresponsibly.

[Mrsmadevans]

Report them anon, they will have to investigate and SS will not be able to tell them who did report them.

[JaneEyre70]

Report them anonymously to Crimestoppers for driving under the influence of drugs. Disgusting behaviour when they have dependants, regardless of who is looking after them.

[heron98]

Meh. I think it's ok if the kids aren't there.

[stickytoffeevodka]

It always surprises me how laissez-faire MN is about cocaine, really.

I've never taken drugs and while I know plenty of people who have, it's never interested me. Maybe I'm coming at it from a different angle to a lot of posters on here for that reason, but I don't get these posts saying cocaine is harmless.

Buy buying it, you're essentially supporting drug/human trafficking, organised crime and gang shootings. Classy.

[Wintertime4]

Totally agree sticky - kids getting killed in Columbia as a direct result of the cocaine trade. Anyone who buys cocaine has blood on their hands. It’s no joke.

[mommytoboo86]

From wot uve said the only thing I would worry about is the driving possibly under the influence and that they are mixing the 2 as that's quite dangerous.
I have some experience with coke and base from my younger days (pre kids) and its not the off ur face effect that people assume. I have no idea about MDMA though although I've been told its more intense.
My neighbour takes base everyday. In charge of her kids (not sole charge thou) She acts hardly any different than normal. A tad hyper sometimes but then so am I wen on my tablets from the gp. Nobody would ever know to see or talk to her.
She's had dealings with social services on and off but strangely wenever she takes the base back up (shes given up each time she's got pregnant) social services suddenly have no concerns and close the case. This has happened 3 times. She's not a bad mom when she's sober but her anxiety comes back and she let's things slip (house cleaning, not going out etc).
Anyway, I wouldnt ever report some1 for taking drugs but if they were neglecting or abusing the children the yes I would (and have). But from wot I've sed they aren't so I would leave it alone but keep a watchful eye
X

[OldPony]

I don't touch drugs anymore, but you'd be amazed how many of the highest members of our society take them.

Tara P-T was only outed because she had a serious problem, but she certainly wasn't alone. I include Parliament in this!

[Jessie2445]

Obviously they are escaping from issues and unfortunately, you start becoming like the people you surround yourself with. And they have fallen in with a large crowed of drug takers. So looks like things aren’t going to improve any time soon.

It is selfish to the kids, I understand where you are coming from. I strongly suggest you have a talk to the father, it’s important he is made aware of this situation and suggest he contacts social services. If you don’t know him and are unable to find away you could contact him, contact social services and see what they suggest.

This could be the wake up call they need.

[Married3Children]

Yes I’m also amazed at the number if people who seems to think it’s ok and even normal for 20 somwth8ngsomething to take drugs but when somehow when you are 40 you’re not supposed to d9 that anymore.

As if the pleasure you get from taking the drug was somehow different.

Or as if people had ‘mature’ enough so that they will stop doing silly things such as taking drugs when they’ve reached 40yo.

In reality, I suspect people are more weary of being caught so stick to alcohol instead (the biggest group drink at very high level is now women in their 40s I believe, the ones who see on MN talking about gin o’xlock And who can’t wait for the dcs to be finally in bed so they have a ‘few’ glasses. Forgetting fo Course that drinking like this everyday is exactly what an addictive behaviour is’)

I fully agree. In some circles, this is common. And seeing as an ok thing to do.
When people are surrounded by friends who do exactly the same, they think that everyone does it.
The same way that I am told that I am Just prude because I don’t drink (or not fun, a killjoy or even sanctimonious). Bevuase drinking (often to excess) is seen as the norm in the U.K. in a way that it wouldn’t be acceptable in other EU countries for example.
Different ‘drug’ but same reaction....

[Graphista]

"What a load of tosh. Coke is illegal, full stop. There's no acceptable level for driving. It's not like alcohol." Even a LITTLE googling would have prevented you making such a foolish ill-informed comment.

ashworthmotoringlaw.co.uk/2016/03/04/the-drug-driving-limits-and-how-long-drugs-stay-in-your-system/amp/

www.gov.uk/drug-driving-law

www.rac.co.uk/drive/advice/legal/drug-driving-laws-know-the-limits/

I'm 45, with friends ages 30-60ish of all backgrounds and live in an area with MASSIVE drug issues - I STILL am not friends with anyone who partakes. It's NOT hard.

I've been offered, especially when younger and out clubbing etc. Never even tried got no interest in taking something illegal, unregulated, that funds organised crime including child sex trafficking and that one try could kill me - nope!

As for "it's none of your business" the health, safety and welfare of children is EVERYONE'S business.

[RightOnTheEdge]

Someone I know really well went from a normal Mum to having a massive breakdown and being taken away by police twice and being sectioned three times.

It turns out she has been taking amphetamines at weekends. She is manic and paranoid. She has made her 12 year old ds's life a misery and her ndn's life hell.

Social Services have done nothing. They came, had a five minute chat with her and didn't even speak to her ds.
The ndn have reported it and so has her older ds who has moved out.

Her parents want to take her ds but the police say they can't just take him.
The police take her to the hospital and they just chuck her out again because they haven't enough beds.

It's really not the same as having a few glasses of wine. And yanbu it is incredibly selfish. The damage to her dc is heartbreaking.

[RebeccaWrongDaily]

those of you who say that you don't know anyone who takes drugs- you are deluded. They may not be friends but they're cutting your hair/ teaching your kids/ doing your nails/ cutting your lawn/ working in your office. They just don't tell you about it.

[italiancortado]

did some coke at the weekend with some friends

Why QUEEN, why?

Please help me be non judgy and understand why people do this.

[Graphista]

Rebecca - I don't think anyone has claimed not to KNOW anyone who takes drugs, but to not be FRIENDS with them. And yes of that I am certain.

[BakedBeans47]

YANBU

they’re total fuckwits