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AIBU?

To think this is a terribly selfish thing to do when you have children

149 replies

WinterAx · 21/02/2018 22:55

A friend of mine has two children and she and her DH (the step father) regularly take drugs. It started with one off use here and there at the odd party or concert but over time it’s developed in to weekly “sessions” where a large group of them go round to their house (when her DC are staying with their father) and are all up until the early hours binging on large amounts of MDMA and cocaine. It’s also become apparent that they sneak off to do these drugs at family parties, weddings, birthdays, basically any excuse. It’s all they seem to think about now and can’t have fun without it. People have no idea this is going on see them as a decent couple with lovely children, a beautiful large family home, both older parents and in very successful jobs.

AIBU in being worried for the children and thinking their behaviour is shockingly selfish and irresponsible as parents? I’m not aware that they actually use drugs with the children present, however, I know they’ve spoken about having to pick the kids up the morning after a heavy night, feeling terrible. I dread to think if anything were to happen to her and the poor children would be left without a mother. I’ve tried to speak to her as an older friend who cares but she is well and truly in denial, apparently everyone uses drugs these days and it’s all perfectly normal and ok to continue doing so as parents. Surely when you make the decision to have children this sort of behaviour should stop?!

OP posts:

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VladmirsPoutine · 22/02/2018 00:00

Well, it seems as though they pick and choose their moments. If they were snorting a line whilst making one of their children breakfast then I'd certainly judge. But if they fancy a line at a wedding or whatever then so be it. And the fallout / come down is horrific. Especially when you get older.
What could you even feasibly do?

Reallycantbebothered · 22/02/2018 00:01

With so many companies doing random drug testing these days they're very foolish as could risk losing job....never mind the fact they're probably driving when still under the influence

Queenoftheblitz · 22/02/2018 00:14

So many older people doing it. I did some coke at the weekend with some friends - we're in our 40s and 50s.
I don't do it weekly but i felt so bad the next day i've decided never again.

deptfordgirl · 22/02/2018 00:19

Can't believe this is common in some circles. I have never done drugs and don't know of anyone that does. The only time I have seen it was at uni.

ScipioAfricanus · 22/02/2018 00:27

I’ve never done drugs or been offered them/around friends taking them - I obviously give off a very prim vibe. I personally think it’s irresponsible of these parents and and I’ve always believed the risk of dangers of drugs for me would outweigh the benefits. I feel that’s especially true when you are a parent as I tend to be more risk averse in all respects than I was before (and I was obviously always uptight). I did have a mums’ night out where it became apparent severanif the other mums smoked pot regularly.

I’m curious as to the cost of the drugs - anyone give me a ball park figure for the cocaine or ecstasy? I would imagine it is expensive unless you’re on a good income. Have to admit that would also put me off as I save a lot of money not drinking as it is!

4yearsnosleep · 22/02/2018 00:33

I find the blase attitude towards taking illegal and frankly dangerous drugs in this thread baffling. (I used to work on an ambulance and worked on a 36 year old that had a heart attack and was a regular user of these drugs; he died)

It's certainly not common in my social circles and I would not be friends with anyone with this attitude towards taking drugs, kids or not. I do think it needs flagging somewhere as they are driving with drugs still in their system. Could you flag it to the school?

Monty27 · 22/02/2018 00:42

I have friends who do this. No young children but their come down is horrendous. I have seen them a day or so after a weekend session and they are not in a good place. I don't think they would do it if they had children. I don't know how anyone could cope with children in that frame of mind
Maybe they can and if so, well who are we to say?

NeepNeepNeep · 22/02/2018 00:48

I'm with you depfordgirl Call the NSPCC or child protection officer at their school. Ffs. It's not normal.

SleightOfMind · 22/02/2018 00:56

It’s not ideal, if its as frequent as you say, but being censorious won’t win your friend over or influence her.

I agree with the PP who pointed out that it’s not so much being lean that’s the problem. It’s the aftermath.

The hangover your friends are experiencing will make them snappy and intolerant of their DCs. The children won’t understand why. It’s a terribly corrosive way to grow up.

Try and talk to your friends if you must but I doubt it’ll do much good.
Be there, reliably, for their children as and adult who enjoys spending time with them and will listen.

SleightOfMind · 22/02/2018 00:57

an adult

WinterAx · 22/02/2018 07:14

Thanks everyone. I agree there’s not really much I can do, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while and can’t get it off my mind

OP posts:

ClaryFray · 22/02/2018 07:16

It's irresponsible however if it's not around the kids then, not a lot can be done. No different to parents that over eat putting themselves at risk of heart disease.

Chienrouge · 22/02/2018 07:18

I'm amazed that adults take drugs, I thought it was just a teenage/student thing!!

Me too. I have a fairly wide social circle (school friends, uni friends, ‘mum’ friends) and only one who has taken drugs regularly, and she’s stopped now she’s in her 30’s.

PastaBakeForever · 22/02/2018 07:19

Yes it's absolutely ridiculous, but no doubt you'll get a lot of replies saying it's no different to a glass of wine and you should mind your own business.

EllebellyBeeblebrox · 22/02/2018 07:21

Even if they aren't caring for the children at the time, drugs like that effect (affect?!) you well into the next day. I'm fairly liberal about drugs but this strikes me as pretty selfish.

TheletterZ · 22/02/2018 07:28

I strongly recommend you report it, as others have said it is unlikely that SS will 'do' anything but it will be logged and can be used to build up a picture of the home if needed.

If, as you imply, their drug use is increasing, then it can escalate to a point it is affecting their children. School might have noticed a couple of things and someone else others but only if all the puzzle pieces are put together can a picture be formed.

4yearsnosleep · 22/02/2018 07:30

It's quite a lot different clary as it's illegal (and can immediately cause health problems!)

I just don't understand this attitude at all

claraschu · 22/02/2018 07:46

One of my daughter's friends died after taking MDMA- cardiac arrest almost immediately. Apparently it was unusually strong. This is in no way comparable to a glass of wine or too many Big Macs.

mathanxiety · 22/02/2018 07:53

YANBU at all, WinterAx.
They are still going to feel the effects of the drugs the next day, they risk death from a tainted batch or from ODing, and it seems that what started off small is now escalating. No doubt they think it's completely under control since at the moment they manage to compartmentalise it (or they believe they do - ignoring the after effects).

If you know the father of the children, could you inform him?

Otherwise, I would talk to the NSPCC.

Tid1 · 22/02/2018 08:01

Agree with savagebeauty73. I dabbled when I was a teenager but grew out of it and am now a doctor. However I know of lots of friends of friends/ acquaintances who are professional people- assistant head teachers, doctors, solicitors (with families) who would regularly use drugs and are mostly aged 40+. It's not right but there does appear to be a lot of use within 'middle class' , professional circles.

PatchworkGirl · 22/02/2018 08:03

Geniunely curious about all the 'not much you can do' or NSPCC comments - is this not a police matter? Taking/driving under the influence? Curious - it's not something that's ever happened in my circles either.

Personwithhorse · 22/02/2018 08:03

I remember reading an article about middle class drug takers - they get hysterical about healthy, organic, ethical food but are quite happy to take illegal substances when they not only do not know what the substances are and could not care less about the destruction to people’s lives caused by organised crime. Think about all the killings in Mexico not to mention the connection to slavery and people trafficking .....

I have a near relation who got involved in serious drug trafficking and in currently in prison in a foreign country.

ChaosNeverRains · 22/02/2018 08:11

Cocaine is illegal. I have no qualms in judging anyone who does coke,

Married3Children · 22/02/2018 08:20

On side I agree wth you. It’s irresponsible.

On the other, how many things do we all do that could put our health in jeopardy? Driving perhaps not as safely as we could, drinking wine everyday, not eating enough vegetables etc etc. Some pople have dangerous hobbies (Hill walking in winter, caving, diving etc etc). Some women will not do a smear test, which, I know, a lot of people will see as irresponsible too.
It’s hard to live a life that is perfect and where you take no risk at all.

My main worry wouod be that the ‘habit’ will have some effect in the children. Maybe because a lot of the money is used to pay for the drugs. Maybe because actually they don’t function as well as they think they are (errors at work which will lead to loosing said job for example). Or the habit will become so strong that it’s now nit just having fun but a full on addiction.

Flomy · 22/02/2018 08:20

What does their dad think?

I bet they are shoved in front of the t.v all day with snacks whilst the parents comedown.

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