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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be peed off hurt upset etc

21 replies

Justonemorecuppa · 21/02/2018 19:40

My mum has been ill for a while. She was waiting for routine surgery when further tests showed routine was now urgent so yesterday was told surgery would be today.
OH (refuse to call him DP at the mo) had previously arranged to pick his ds up and take him to his grandparents for dinner this eve (they've been on hols).
My AIBU is this:- I'm upset that when we found out the surgery was today, OH didn't offer to adjust his plans so he could be here with me this eve (his ds is staying at gp's on friday eve as well so not like he wont be seeing them for ages). Nor did he offer to look after my youngest ds (either here or at his parents) so I could go visit my mum at hospital (my only babysitter is my sis who's just as worried as I am). Nor has he rung or texted all eve to ask how mum is or how I am. He finished work at 4 so has had plenty of time. I'm so upset and feel really let down. Am I overreacting a bit?

OP posts:

Blackteadrinker77 · 21/02/2018 19:54

I don't think you are no, he should have brought his son back home and watched your son also so you can go to the hospital.

Did you ask him to?

ChoudeBruxelles · 21/02/2018 19:57

Yanbu. It’s at times like that that partners should just pick up things. He’s not a child. He’s an adult who surely can imagine what you must be feeling and could act accordingly. Tell him he’s being a knob

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2018 19:59

I would be very hurt. Now you know what to expect when the chips are down and you need support. You just have to decide if you want to live like this.

NailsNeedDoing · 21/02/2018 20:04

Do you live together and is your youngest son his? Is the surgery expected to be relatively straightforward? I don't think this automatically makes him a bad DP, there could be lots of fair reasons why he wanted/needed to be with his child tonight as he usually would.

I'm sorry you're upset about your Mum, and I hope all went well with her surgery.

Original poster

Justonemorecuppa · 21/02/2018 20:58

Thank you nails - she is out of surgery and recovering well. Fingers crossed things will improve from here although she has a long road and more treatments ahead of her.

We do live together but dont have children together.

Aqua - thats my worry - mum is going to need further surgeries and it would seem that I cant expect any support from him :(

I didn't ask him to help although have since pointed out to him that he could've offered. He didn't even offer to be here with me nor has he phoned me to see how I'm holding up.
It's now nearly 9pm - still no 'how's your mum, any news?' or 'how are you?' nothing. He wont be back til closer to 10pm tonight by the time he's dropped his son off and come home.

Once my youngest DS is settled I'm off to bed to try and sleep on it.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 21/02/2018 21:04

Especially as he already had plans then I think asking for help is always better than not. Yes a text would have been nice but I do think expecting him to know what you want without you asking was slightly unreasonable

NailsNeedDoing · 21/02/2018 21:21

You seem to be understandably feeling very upset and worried about your Mum, and I think you might be judging your DP quite harshly because of that.

I wouldn't have expected him to offer, but maybe be more understanding if you'd asked. I can see why it wouldn't occur to him to have your children for you when he has his own child to look after today, and his son shouldn't have to miss out on seeing his Dad because you need company or childcare.

I can see a message would have been nice, but presumably you'd have called him if there was a problem and he knows that, and you will see him soon. If he doesn't ask when he gets in then he's a thoughtless twat, but so far I don't think he's done anything that bad. Maybe he will be able to be more supportive with future treatment dates if he's not committed to his child on those days.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2018 22:38

I am the first one to tell people that their partners aren't mind readers, so therefore you need to communicate how you're feeling or what you need. However, NO ONE needs to be a mind reader or should need to be prompted to be concerned for their other half when a serious event takes place. It's just basic courtesy and concern. If they can't even muster that, it's a deal breaker.

Ubercornsdiscoball · 21/02/2018 22:42

I understand how stressful it all is. I have been there. A discussion with you pointing out what you expected would have been far more useful though. Rather than dyeing over it now. Discuss the future issues and what you expect.

Original poster

Justonemorecuppa · 22/02/2018 05:52

Well he came home and never asked how everything was. Walked in said 'alright' then went and pottered about doing stuff. After half an hour I pointed this out to him and he tried to justify it by saying he knew I was angry so anything he said would've been wrong. No apology no acknowledgment that he'd been thoughtless nothing. Guess I know what I can expect in the future.

And no, I don't expect him to have offered to look after my son (although I do think most people would've - I certainly did for him when his mum was in hospital) but surely when you're partner tells you their mum is going to have surgery a reflex response is 'is there anything I can do / anything you need?'. And then on the day surely you'd ask how things were wouldn't you? Or maybe that's just me?

OP posts:

Stella60 · 22/02/2018 06:08

Your expectations are perfectly reasonable. He sounds distant and uncaring. Time for a serious conversation.

EllieMe · 22/02/2018 06:13

Of course you aren't BU. He should have left his DS with his parents and come to be with you and look after your DS so you could see your mum. He knew it would upset/anger you, yet still he didn't offer to help.

He just doesn't care enough. I wouldn't be able to get past his selfishness and lack of support.

pictish · 22/02/2018 06:41

I think it depends on the surgery tbh. If it’s something relatively minor like gall bladder removal for example (which I have had) then I don’t imagine he saw the need to stop everything so he could comfort you over it.

Without giving too much away, how serious was the surgery? I don’t know if you are being unreasonable or not without knowing more.

NoKnownFather · 22/02/2018 06:46

Have to agree with Stella60....she took the words from me!

All the best for your DM. Not sure what I'd do about OH he's being very unreasonable. ;-)

Leyani · 22/02/2018 06:47

I'd be just as upset as you are

Gizlotsmum · 22/02/2018 06:53

That’s really inconsiderate of him. Is he normally quite self absorbed? I can’t imagine being in that situation and DH not checking I was ok. However I did forget to ask if his mum had been to see the dr today having spoke to her yesterday and knowing she was going to try.. so I think it needs to be part of a bigger picture before he is judged. Would his ex have given him grief for changing plans? Would your son be welcome at his parents?

babba2014 · 22/02/2018 07:00

That is odd. Alright? Alright what? He needs a more direct approach but maybe a calm one.

Tell him that you expect him to at least ask how your mum is.

Also don't expect him to take your son, ask him, tell him. Say, please could you look after him so that I can be with my mum.

Don't be a warrior and do everything for his son but he gets a pass. However he's a man so you just have to tell him what to do.

One thing that stood out to me is you kept saying you have to expect nothing from him in the future. Are you sure your relationship is good? Don't settle for less. Try to talk about these things heart to heart and solve it before moving forward.

newcarsmell · 22/02/2018 07:00

My dh would have been all over asking if I was ok, did I need anything, picking my son up if I needed him to (not his son). Yanbu
He sounds like a selfish git.

Original poster

Justonemorecuppa · 22/02/2018 07:06

Whilst yesterday's surgery was relatively minor and straightforward, it's come about because my mum's minor health concern has now developed into potentially life threatening. So she was expected to be fine but we'd only been told very end of last week about the changes so is all still a bit of a shock. It's the first of 3/4 surgeries over the next year or so.
My son would've been very welcome at his parents but I do accept that he's not a mind reader and I probably should've asked directly.
But I still can't get over the fact he didn't even ask if any news or if I was ok. Even one of my work colleagues who knew about the surgery texted me to say hope all goes well. I spoke to him during the day and he didn't ask, it was only when I mentioned that I was still waiting to hear that he said anything about it. And to not acknowledge anything when he gets in and he's now stormed off to work in a huff because I called him a selfish thoughtless prick. (Not the best way to handle things I know)

OP posts:

pictish · 22/02/2018 16:59

Nikephorus · 22/02/2018 17:23

So it was minor surgery and you knew she was going to be fine. I wouldn’t expect anything beyond a passing, “How did your mum get on?’...if that. You expected him to adjust his plans with his child so he could be there for you?
This ^^ My mum is going in for surgery soon (straightforward but involves a general anaesthetic which isn't ideal given her health conditions) & it's not occurred to me to tell anyone. Ditto the previous surgery she had last year. I'll be worried but I've arranged to keep myself busy that day so I don't spend the day fretting.

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