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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To detest partner’s mother. Help me before I explode!

55 replies

RLOU88 · 21/02/2018 17:16

Firstly apologies for any typos, I am on my phone and shaking with anger. I’ll try to keep it short.

DPs mother is pretty much a liability. Never around, never calling to see how he is and extremely self cantered. Tbh I think she is a bit unwell so I have so tried to be reasonable and offer her help. She is obsessed with having a man in her life and when she has one DP won’t hear from her for weeks on end, until she is too much for whatever man she is with and he blocks her and she goes into a mental state and needs my DP to “help her” crying and begging him to contact the man in question for “answers”. She has been known to beg my DP and call him 30+ times to come over while he is at work.

We are expecting our first child his mother never calls to ask how we are getting on and has absolutely 0 interest in her upcoming grandson.

My mum has kindly given us £10,000 to see us though our first year rent etc I will pay her back. DP Mum however has constantly asked him for money. She never pays him back. It’ his wage but IMO the priority should be to give my mum a gesture ? Maybe I am wrong ?

Anyway, this morning DPs mother has called and said she needs money now and if he doesn’t give it to her don’t bother speaking to her again. I am in shock and very upset for DP. She has even gone so far to say that it’s his fault she needs the money because he moved out and she can’t pay rent. AIBU to message her this:

“I have just heard from (DP) about the situation of money. As you know we are expecting a baby and my mum is putting up thousands of pounds to secure us rent for the year I am not working. we simply have no spare money. To say you won’t speak to your son if he doesn’t give you more money is ridiculous and I am honestly shocked that you would treat him like this. It is not his fault you need to make rent, he is an adult and entitled to move out. Rent your spare room out, my Mum had to do it when she fell on hard times. DP and me need to pay my mum back some for the £10,000 my mum has kindly given us to take the stress of DP's wage and that’s the priority here, as welll as our forthcoming child. Contact citizens advice for help. I am sorry if you find my message rude but I simply can’t understand your logic and am devastated for (DP) in this situation so had to say something. I understand you can’t help us with our baby but to ask (threaten in this case) for more is terrible in my opinion”

To be clear, I am not suggesting she feel bad that my mum is in the position to help (to be honest my mum isn’t actually made of money I will just make sure to pay her back every penny).

What would you do?

  • [NB: Posted edited by MNHQ to remove DP's name]
OP posts:
Mossbystrand · 21/02/2018 18:25

I'd stick the money in an account in my name only so your dp won't be tempted to lend his mum money from your mum's loan. I'd actually invest the entire £10k into premium bonds until you need it because then it's securely locked away. Also, you'll be put forward for a monthly draw to win upto £1 million.

ButteredScone · 21/02/2018 18:28

You need to speak to your DH, not your MIL. It is absolutely not for you to deal with her and there is no way you can allow a situation to develop where she thinks you and DH are singing from separate hymn sheets.

Original poster
RLOU88 · 21/02/2018 18:29

She doesn’t know about the money from my mum and it’s probably a good idea it stays that way as it’s neither here nor there. I don’t think DP understands my view on the money aspect of it to be honest. I strongly agree that it’s like my mum almost paying her but don’t know If I’m thinking unreasonablly ?

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 21/02/2018 18:29

You could tell her you’ve had to have a loan to help you out, so obviously you are not in any position to help her. She doesn’t need to know the origin of the loan.

ChasedByBees · 21/02/2018 18:58

The first three sentences would be sufficient (although change the second sentence so it says you’ve had to take a loan).

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 21/02/2018 19:28

This is why you don't yell people your getting thousand of pounds she is shirt Nd instead of taking steps to help herself she is focusing on the money you Have been given

SersioulycanitgetWORSE · 21/02/2018 19:44

Sorry just seen you post she doesn't know... Are you you sue your partner hasn't told her..

Avasarala · 21/02/2018 19:55

The thing is, you're about to have a baby. You're living a life together. You're a partnership so you have every right to step in and talk to her. Do it with him if it helps ease your feelings on it, or sit down and show him that message. Show him how you feel, ask how he honestly feels and come up with a message together. This is his mum, no matter how much he resents what she's doing, he will need support to come to terms with saying no, telling her the truth about her behaviour and possibly have her walk out his life. Your baby is priority and to ensure that, you need to work as a team.
If you've had to borrow from your mum, then he shouldn't even consider giving money away because you guys don't have it to spare so you're not lieing to her or being selfish - you're planning your future. Work together.

Bluelady · 21/02/2018 20:01

It's exactly like your mum paying her. And if I was your mum I'd be furious.

Blackteadrinker77 · 21/02/2018 20:05

That messages just reads "My Mum is better than you" to me.

That really won't help any thing. Your DP needs to be strong and tell his Mum he loves her very much but he has responsibilities now and can not afford to pay her bills.
Get him to print off an SOA and workout her finances with her. Maybe help set up direct debits.

He can support her much better by not actually giving her cash.

EggysMom · 21/02/2018 20:12

“I have just heard from (DP) about the situation of money. As you know we are expecting a baby and we simply have no spare money. To say you won’t speak to your son if he doesn’t give you more money is ridiculous and I am honestly shocked that you would treat him like this. It is not his fault you need to make rent, he is an adult and entitled to move out. I would suggest you look at increasing your income, for example by taking a lodger; or contact CAB for debt advice."

rothbury · 21/02/2018 20:21

I expect DP has told her about the money your DM has loaned you.

Does he have access to it? If so, you need to change that ASAP.

Original poster
RLOU88 · 21/02/2018 20:25

Thank you everyone.

Yes she doesn’t know about the money from my mum and I didn’t mean it to sound like “my mum is better than you” which is why I said I understand if she can’t help out. I was going to mention the money my mum has put up so it might make her understand that we have had to borrow (I.e we don’t have money to spare). I didn’t send the message in the end anyway I wrote it in anger but have decided to let my partner deal with it. I will step in if he struggles to emotionally though as he is my partner and I care for him very much.

And I know his name is in my OP, whoops he knows I have posted anyway but I will message MNHQ!

Thanks all

OP posts:
Original poster
RLOU88 · 21/02/2018 20:26

I have control of the money my mum has lent and have used it to pay all rent up front so it’s not there to be wasted away.

OP posts:
Versorecto · 21/02/2018 20:32

Don’t give her any detail. I’d be tempted to send her

Dear MIL, hope you’re well. I wonder could you clarify something. DP seemed to think you were saying that if he doesn’t give you money then you will never speak to him again. Surely that’s not right and someone is confused here?Wink
As you know, your grandchild is on the way and I know things are tight, but anything you could get for the baby would be gratefully received. This child will be so lucky to have such caring and generous grannies!

Lots of love

DIL”

Chew the fuck on that.

Original poster
RLOU88 · 21/02/2018 20:44

Hahaha that’s cheered me up! Tempting!

OP posts:
SunshineAfterRain · 21/02/2018 20:56

You need to sit down and have a serious chat with dp and ask him.
What would he rather his child have a warm home.
Or his mother to have a warm how.
That is literally the bottom line.
He can't afford to keep 2 homes afloat.

Original poster
RLOU88 · 21/02/2018 21:03

I have tried to talk to him on many occasions and he says he agrees with me but last month gave her some money even though I said it wasn’t fair. Now he says he doesn’t want to talk but I think he just doesn’t want to hear bad things said about her. It’s tricky.
Most of the baby’s stuff I have planned for and got some good deals but that money should go on his baby’s nappies and needs IMO

OP posts:
PilatesSuck · 21/02/2018 22:06

Your dp would rather take from his partner and child then stand up to his mother? If you have paid the rent up front for both of you what has he paid?

Think long and hard if you want this for the rest of your life as it will only be more upsetting when he puts your dc last.

Original poster
RLOU88 · 21/02/2018 22:10

Well he has told me that he will not give her another penny, I just have to trust for now that this is true, and if I find out otherwise deal with it then.
DP is trainee plumber so we have one more year of low income, but he will be paying bills and food, necessities etc and then I am back to work too x

OP posts:
PilatesSuck · 22/02/2018 08:26

Has he replied to her message? If she carries on talking to you both that will be your answer...

I really hope he sticks to it op but when it comes to family like this you often find they are very much in the fog and so will say what you want to hear. It might be worth googling the fog, it will explain about your dps reluctance to tell his mother no to anything.

LizzieSiddal · 22/02/2018 08:45

I expect your dh has out uo with her selfish, narsassitic behaviour since childhood, so he is probably too afraid to stand up to her.
I feel sorry for him, but he’s got a child coming along and he needs to change his mindset.
Have a chat to him, not about this specific thing but about his Mum in general. Ask him why he thinks he can’t say no to her, does he talk about his childhood with you?
Hopefully he will come to the realisation that she’s a controlling and manipulative and he needs to stand up to her.

As far as this incident is concerned I’d encourage him to text “Sorry Mum, but with the baby on way we have no money.”

LizzieSiddal · 22/02/2018 08:46

*put up with her

flumpybear · 22/02/2018 09:12

You both need to put a barrier up and move on. If she can't afford rent she needs to move
To a cheaper house or get a better job as it'll never stop if she can't even make rent

I'd get your DP to say that's all she's getting as your family and baby come before somebody able to work, your family currently relies on his small income

She's an entitled cheeky fucker by the way I'd have lost all respect I may have ever had for her

MachineBee · 22/02/2018 09:25

There’s a thread about a DM worried that her 3yo’s tantrums aren’t normal. She’s being reassured they are and being given some great advice for how to deal with them.

Your MIL sounds like an adult tantrummer. The same advice given about ignoring and sticking to promised sanctions will probably work with her.