To think I am a shit Mum?

[cheekymonk]

That's it really. DS was diagnosed with high functioning autism at 12. He had quite a temper at 5 and we saw CAMHS but were advised there weren't any real issues apart from discipline and to manage it within the family. So we carried on, had another child. Still though, I had a nagging doubt. Fast forward us moving to a new area and both children receiving Autism diagnosis. DS was always so popular, sociable and high achieving.
It all fell apart on starting secondary and he now is receiving home tuition from LA as he is too anxious to go to school. He is getting CBT from CAMHS but not sure it is helping. He spends most of his time on Xbox and does not see any friends face to face, only chatting on Xbox/social media. He stays awake in night and will often eat during this time. He is only 13 but weighs 15 stones. He has stretch marks on his body. He only dresses if going out (once or twice a week at best) and has no quality of life at all. He is asleep now after being awake all night.
I have been to parenting classes and tried several things to address things.
When I questioned him about stating up he said 'well it is half term!'
I just have lost sight with what is Autism and what is typical teenager behaviour. The rest of us went swimming this morning and he just refused to come. He's too big for me to force him.
Am I just a shit Mum???

Any thoughts?

No you are not. You also aren’t alone. What kind of support do you have for yourself? You could do with some. Is ds okay with you? Does he do his schoolwork?
for you. It’s bloody hard.

You’ve just more or less perfectly described my dd who is 13 and has ASD. She has just left school. Her social anxiety is getting worse and worse and she is less and less willing to do anything that involves leaving her room. I don’t really have any advice but you’re not alone.

Did the change in personality coincide with change of school/change of routine or was it after the diagnosis?

You’re far from a bad mum it’s so damn hard fighting to get a diagnosis, like you it took us years and there is very little actual help or support

It is also difficult deciding what is the asd and what is typically teen behaviour

Your ds sounds very like dd, rarely dresses due to sensory issues, so what! If he’s clean comfy and able to focus these are the main things

Hours on the PS4/Xbox etc is typical for all teens asd or not, ds (neurotypical) would be permanently attached given the choice

Are there any charities near by who run youth clubs for asd teens? We have one and it helps them socialise in a supported setting

I think half term particularly the winter ones always seem harder, hopefully as the weather and day light improves he will get out and about with you

DS was diagnosed when he was in Year 5 and he was ok until year 7 where he began having more and more time off school, couldn't participate in after school clubs etc. I do think there is an issue with feeling different and he has made comments about it being being good that he doesn't have to pretend to be happy all the time now. I think he didn't find moving harder than He appeared to. Sorry to hear others are going through similar 😩

DS and I have a good relationship generally. He is on Sertraline and been more affectionate since taking this. He text me and told me I was his hero.
All family live away. DD accesses additional needs club but DS hasn't liked any of the things I've tried...

He loves the lessons at home but homework can be an issue, causing lots of anxiety. His EHCP is being drafted as we speak.

Cheeky you are doing fine. Have you ever heard of Early Years?
I have had ongoing problems with 15yo dd and I can’t praisr them enough, non judgemental positive support, they have made a huge difference. You can self refer, they are part of your local authority, might be worth a try.

Yes I have heard of Early Years/help. Found them quite judgmental unfortunately. Thanks for your replies.

That’s a shame, I was lucky I think.
What about a parent support group?

You’re not a shit mum at all, it’s all really hard going! Access every bit of support you can, at some point you’ll come across something that you feel works for you (as in a group or charity etc) and see if you are able to get on a Signet Course in your area. You’ll get lots of examples from all corners of the spectrum, so it will be easier to pick apart the reasons for the behaviours.

Oh cheekymonk please don't think it's you. My situation is not dissimilar to your own and I feel similar feelings of self doubt. It won't be anything that you have or haven't done. People tell me that the early teens are worst for children with aspergers and I cling to the hope that 'this, too, will pass'.

Please don't call yourself that! I think you're fantastic. I can totally understand why you'd be having self-doubts though, as we all do. I think you need - and deserve - some support, so do make sure you try and find the relevant groups. Wishing you well x

I would talk this through with the people at NAS
www.autism.org.uk to help you get a handle on what's teenage angst and what's ASD.

I work with kids with ASD and could say more about what else you could do, but your child is an individual and what works for the kids I work with may not be the same for your DS.