to expect DH to put up with having my parents to stay?

[ozchick]

Hi - firstly I should explain that DH, DD and I live in Australia, moved here almost a year ago (eek!). DH is Australian but I am from UK, my folks came to visit for 6 wks last Nov/Dec and my dad has just announced that he is coming to visit in 2 wks time for 3 wks (he did ask if ok first). I am pg with bub no 2 and dad wants to come and see us and help for a bit. DH has gone nuts about it - in fact he's gone a bit hysterical. I think he should just lump it as we are all living here for HIM. I will take DD and dad away for a wk and DH and I will go away for a w/end so DH only needs to spend less that a fortnight with my dad (DH works full time too). What do you think? Unreasonable? moi?

Perfectly reasonable IMO.

I wonder whether your dh had 'plans', or feels that his FIL's visit and intentions are a criticism of his ability to look after you (injured male pride)? Or am I being too generous?

He's being unreasonable. I'm assuming that your dad is a perfectly reasonable person.

Do they get on ok? Do you have enough space?

You say your dad asked first - did you pass on the question to your DH, too, so he felt he had a choice in the matter?

I agree that your dad should be able to come stay, but your DH should be consulted on this, not just presented with the plan.

No, you're not being unreasonable but I can understand how it is difficult for your DH as well. We live in the UK, DH from here, I'm from US and my parents come over once or twice a year. They only come for up to a week and a half and it is still diffiucult (for both of us actually). To be honest, if a hotel were an option I would love it, but my parents won't consider it. Partly for financial reasons, partly because they won't drive when they are here. So we live with it. But the trip before last was so stressful we had to lay down a few ground rules and the next visit was a bit easier.

At the end of the day there really is no choice when you live so far away from family. But it might help to talk to your DH. Tell him you are not going to tell your parents they can't come but ask what you can do to help make the stay easier. Is a hotel an option? I'm not sure I would throw the 'but we're here for YOU' card at him. Instead I would emphasise the fact that you are far from your family and as much as you might love oz you miss them and home etc, etc.

You have my sympathies, it's a tough one!

Hmmmmm - well I can understand this. My DH is Australian and visiting parents/them visiting us is always stressful and difficult. Did you say they stayed with you for 6 weeks last time?! That's a long time. I would go nuts if I had my in laws staying for 6 weeks... it's different if it's your parents but if it isn't you can't really truely relax in your own home. I sympathise with your DH. Perhaps he struggled a bit with them staying for so long last time and now the thought of having to go through some of that again so soon has sent him a bit crazy!
Both myself and my DH have moved around the world for each other and trust me, you have to completely get rid of the thought that you have done anything for HIM. It is negative and destructive and besides this, it is completely untrue. You aren't in Australia only for him, you are there for you too - because you want to be with him. If not, you wouldn't be there.
I am not saying that he should be able to nad your dad coming but just that perhaps you should try to see things from his point of view. Discuss with him why he is upset about it and what the possible options are.
I turely sympathise with both of you. I have been in this situation and it isn't fun.

My DH's parents live abroad and come to stay a few times a year, only for a long weekend at a time. And even though they are perfectly nice people it drives me nuts! I KNOW I am being unreasonable and DH never complains when we see my folks who live an hour or so away. I try to behave but I do feel put out when they come to stay. (Partly because they can afford a hotel, and also that they used to pass through London (where we are) in order to visit his siblings and not even bother to see him until we had a spare room, partly also cos we have to host family gatherings which cost money and involve organisation and work for us, and the onus is always on us to do so).

Anyway, just like to say I think your DP is being unreasonable but he def has my sympathies - 6 weeks, my goodness he's a saint already!

My DH's parents live in Ireland, they come and stay a couple of times a year. If his mum phoned him to ask if they could come and stay, he wouldn't ask me just tell me after the phonecall when they were coming. I would find it odd if dh said to me 'can my mum and dad come and stay'. I think your dh is being really unreasonable.

in-laws can be stressful but as your dp wanted to be in aus, he needs to lighten up

Thanks heaps for the support and advice. I do sympathise with my DH, he has been very good having them stay with us for 6 wks already. Unfortunately I can't just pop round and spend time with them as i would like to - and I REALLY want them to be a big part of my childs life. You are right about me not dwelling on the 'I moved here for you' point. It does come over all brattish, as we are here for all of our benefits. I guess I want DH to feel as happy as I am to have my folks here and that just isn't ever going to happen. I must make sure that the next house we buy has a granny annex that I can stick my folks in. They wouldn't stay in a hotel (too tight). I think DH is scared/intimidated by my dad (a Buddhist), but he (dh - a heathen!) won't talk about it and just gets shirty. It's all so frustrating.

How long have you been married ozchick? We're coming up to 9 years now and DH used to have real trouble getting on with my parents (not his fault I have to say!). But over the years he has learned to "handle" them and they now think he is wonderful! He helps make their visits easier and I don't complain if he moans to me behind their backs.

Seriously though, although they have somewhat different views on life they have found enough common ground are now able to share and exchange their views on things.

Next house is definitely having granny flat though - or at least a spare bedroom!

Dh goes very depressed when my parents are here, but we are managing it better now ds is older and they can take him away for a week in the middle, and we can go away for a weekend as well. Next time they come dh will be home alone for a fortnight as we go on holiday - hopefully the 2 weeks we are all in the house together should be better because he's had his space.

Now taking dh and ds to STAY with my parents next month - that will be hideous.

Very unreasonable, imo. Moving to Australia obviously entails relatives coming to stay for concentrated periods since they can't just pop over to see you for an hour or so. That's the way it works and is part of the deal, I'd have thought. Is dh generally controlling about who you see or just protective of his personal space? Or do you have a very small house? I have felt very resentful of my parents in law in the past for coming to stay without giving us any choice in the matter at inconvenient times. We have a 2 bed flat so it meant that the main family room had to be given up to them leaving me no space to complete projects to tight deadlines. Now that I am working rather than studying it's not such an issue. So I suppose it's worth checking that dh doesn't feel put upon because he has a lot on?

Scummymummy we have a 3 bed house so in theory plenty of room as only DH, me and dd in house for now. Prob is that rest of house (apart from loo obv ) is open plan so no escape for DH once in-laws are here. Although we did buy an extra tv for our bedroom when they came last time. Sugarmagnolia we have been married for 7 years but DH always been a bit threatened by my close relationship with my folks tbh. He is rather more distant from his own family (although they now live down the road from us).