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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is teacher treating dd unfairly

22 replies

Wishfulmakeupping · 21/02/2018 09:31

Dd not settling in school struggling to make friendships think part of this may be sudden loss of confidence since starting school. I thought initially it was the adjustment but starting to think she’s taking teacher leaving her out to heart.
Eg never had a certificate, award, headteacher award, xmas awards, badge or class mascot 4 of my friends dc in her class have had most if not all of them. Teacher said at parents evening she’s ahead in reading and maths well behaved and helpful so why not give her a well done every now and then. Obviously can’t say anything as up to teacher who she chooses but think it should be distributed more fairly :( every time someone else gets something it’s dented her self esteem even more.

OP posts:

toolonglurking · 21/02/2018 09:32

Could you speak to the teacher and say exactly what you have here ie that you think it's denting her confidence and is there anything else she could be doing to be considered for one if these awards?

MammaTJ · 21/02/2018 09:38

I actually think you can and should say something to the teacher. They my think your DD is doing well and doesn't need the encouragement that others do, but it can be very demotivating not to have good work recognised.

It doesn't have to be an attack, just say what you have here, that she is losing spirit and needs the motivation.

Original poster

Wishfulmakeupping · 21/02/2018 09:41

Do you think so? I do have a meeting with her next week to talk about why dd not settling i will have to word it very carefully as think the teacher already has an issue with me.

OP posts:

Happened · 21/02/2018 09:43

You should definitely say something to the teacher (I say that as a teacher.) It is very easy for these things to be missed or overlooked. I doubt it has been done on purpose.

Happened · 21/02/2018 09:46

I'd just phrase it as 'Dd has been a little disheartened as she hasn't got any of the following ...'

If the teacher says she hasn't done enough to achieve them ask what Dd can do to help her get one in the future.

Quadrangle · 21/02/2018 09:46

I find phrasing things as a polite question works well. Eg. You could ask how they earn the awards as your dd has been worrying that she hasn't had one or the mascot. That shouldn't get anyone's back up as it's not really a complaint or criticism.

2ndSopranos · 21/02/2018 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Wishfulmakeupping · 21/02/2018 12:53

Thanks all will mention it during my meeting with teacher seems like such a shame that she’s not noticed herself

OP posts:

FlouncyDoves · 21/02/2018 12:58

Teacher will have 30+ kids in the class (if state sector) and only two/three awards a week to hand out. That means it will take a while for every kid to get something. They’re also used more for those kids who have learning needs and behavioural problems.

Absolutely mention something to the teacher, or encourage your child to do so. As a teacher, I would then make sure your kid got one over the next two weeks. For what it’s worth, I kept a tick sheet going, so that I could make sure every kid got at least one reward before someone got two.

The teacher won’t have a ‘think’ or problem with you or your child.

FlouncyDoves · 21/02/2018 12:58

Thing, not think. D’oh

Notevilstepmother · 21/02/2018 13:02

I think that sometimes the well behaved quiet children can be a bit invisible. However the teacher isn’t doing this deliberately so you will get a better response if you handle it as pp described, a question of what can she do to get an award, not why are you ignoring my dd.

frasier · 21/02/2018 13:02

This happened to my son. He is a couple of years ahead of his peers and NEVER got anything for work well done. I spoke to the teacher and they basically said that he'd be getting them every time so there was no point. Ridiculous!

I actually moved schools in the end because the inspection report commented that this school was failing in its provision for gifted pupils.

LML83 · 21/02/2018 13:04

My DD was having a hard time attending school, just a phase seems to be resolving. At the peak of it I spoke to teacher to explain she is struggling (she would never speak to teacher on her own) and next week she was star of week. Never asked or expected it but I am well aware this is a little boost for DD from teacher once she knew it would be helpful.

Generally all the kids get it at some point so I wouldn't assume teacher is being unfair (unless u know whole class has had it) but def talk to her about Dds confidence issue. There may be other ways she can look out/help.

BlueMirror · 21/02/2018 13:06

I wouldn't say anything. My kids have had years where they get these things in spades and other years where they have to wait. They have 30 kids to get through she will get her turn. If you go in and speak to the teacher they will likely find her something to be rewarded for rather than her getting one she's earned. I don't really see the point in that.

Original poster

Wishfulmakeupping · 21/02/2018 13:15

Exactly bluemirror my thinking was the same but it’s the volume of stuff coming out I’m assuming the whole must have at a least 1 of these awards as I say I know personally 2/4 of my friends dc have had the entire lot and the other two had most but not a single thing for dd I think she is being overlooked because she’s so withdrawn and compliant at school as soon as she comes home the tears start :(

OP posts:

MagnaWiles · 21/02/2018 13:30

Make your question really specific, and try not to blame but instead to ask how you can help your DD to work towards the desired outcome. Explain that you're pleased that DD is doing so well, but that she comes home upset because she feels left out of awards and recognition that other children have. Say that you'd like to help her to work towards that too -- what should she be aiming to do or achieve on order to be on track for something like that too?

mrsplum2015 · 21/02/2018 13:37

Yeah just be blunt. My dd hadn't had a reward certificate by the last month of the school year and many people in her class were on their second. Turns out she had been missed off the list the teacher was using to check off the awards so never realised dd hadn't had one 😂 and she awarded it the very next week!
I think it's best to assume the teacher can't notice everything about 30 kids and not to take it personally....

Lndnmummy · 21/02/2018 13:56

I had this in reception with my son who used to get really upset. It took ages for me to saying something as I didn’t want to be that parent...in the end he actually asked the teacher himself, he said “when can I have an award ms x, I am trying sooo hard to be good and I have never had one”. The teacher gave him one a few days later and she hadn’t realised that he had gone without. Now In yr1 he has had loads, but not because of high attainment more for encouragement for effort I think.

snash12 · 21/02/2018 14:00

Surely if everyone gets an award it doesn't mean that much? I can see why she feels left out though.

chickenowner · 21/02/2018 14:02

Every year schools have parents complaining that their child hasn't had the weekly award. Teachers explain that someone has to be first and someone has to be last, which some parents accept but some don't.

Teachers do not pick on children or leave children out. They are professionals and to suggest such a thing is both ridiculous and offensive.

Speak about it to the teacher if you must, but be aware of how you will come across.

widgetbeana · 21/02/2018 14:03

Mention it to the teacher, things get missed and often without meaning to.
In fact a previous head teacher used to make us pick a child who is often overlooked and have them as a ‘lighthouse child’ each half term. The job was to highlight and encourage these overlooked under confident children for half a term.

It does happen, but not often on purpose.

JamesLaceysLover · 21/02/2018 14:16

We had this exact same thing with our DC, including tears, not feeling liked, or good enough, etc. I had a word with the teacher, who was brilliant, and they then had a chat with DC, who has been as happy as Larry ever since, it has really boosted DC's confidence.

I'd definitely go in and have a word with the teacher.

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