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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this means he doesn’t fancy her.

30 replies

Whatdoesthismean1234 · 20/02/2018 18:39

My DSis has been talking incessantly about her senior manager. They’re both single, he’s late 40s and she’s early 30s. She’s very attractive and apparently, so is he? They’re constantly texting out of working hours, she’s shown me messages during which they talk about how much they rate each other, how close they are, about their connection.

They had been due to attend a conference in the coming weeks - just the two of them. Now the senior manager has decided to invite other team members and he’s encouraging everyone to travel with them on the weekend, rather than being alone with DSIS. Entirely his decision. DSIS is devastated.

AIBU to say that this is a clear signal that he is no interested in her? I have suggested this and told her to move on and stop fantasising about an imaginary future. She’s angry with me.

Was I BU?

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Notevilstepmother · 20/02/2018 18:41

Maybe he is just worried about being accused of harassment?

PinkHeart5914 · 20/02/2018 18:41

Maybe this conference will be of interest or benefit to other team members too so that is why a senior manager is inviting them?

ScreamingValenta · 20/02/2018 18:41

No, I think your interpretation of the situation is probably correct. It sounds as though he's distancing himself, for whatever reason - perhaps he doesn't think a relationship with a colleague would be a good idea.

Original poster
Whatdoesthismean1234 · 20/02/2018 18:42

I think the thought of it as the time he’d finally make his move Hmm

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Original poster
Whatdoesthismean1234 · 20/02/2018 18:43

*she

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Smidge001 · 20/02/2018 18:45

Was she thinking that going on a course was actually just so they could get it on??! If that's what she was thinking then that would mean he's very unprofessional! Surely if he wanted to make a move they could do so outside of work. If their workplace means they have to mention it to HR that's hardly the end of the world. If they haven't had this discussion even, then she needs to grow up!! How hard is it for two single people in their 30s/40s to say hey, do you fancy going out for a drink? If that hasn't happened so far, then I assume he IS professional, and as other poster suggested, simply thinks this is a course and other people will benefit from attending - as will she.

crackerjacket · 20/02/2018 18:46

Maybe if there's loads of other people at the conference they'll be able to sneak away and have a cheeky shag

Might be seen as dodgy, Jim and Jane going to a conference together, no?

Smidge001 · 20/02/2018 18:48

Ah - cross post.

I definitely don't think you were being unreasonable in what you said. If he wants to make a move, he will / would have done already.

But there's nothing stopping her from asking him out and finding out if he was just shy and/or worried she'd knock him back - or in fact that it would look unprofessional/like sexual harassment in the workplace for him as the senior manager to ask her out.

Original poster
Whatdoesthismean1234 · 20/02/2018 18:55

I feel that he’s been leading her on and now that there’s an opportunity for them to move forward, he’s realised he’s not as interested as he pretended to be. I haven’t told her that though as she would be devastated.

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icelollycraving · 20/02/2018 18:56

Is he single? All the texting etc may have just been a bit of flirting and he knew the time was coming for him to crack on.
Alternatively he may think professoabout his job and want others to attend as it would be beneficial to the business and to the team.
If he was seriously interested, wouldn’t they have just gone on a date?

Queenoftheblitz · 20/02/2018 18:57

I think it's more likely he's a mature man who is prepared to wait for the right time with your sister.

CharisMater · 20/02/2018 18:58

A distancing tactic yes.

Is he even single though? A LOT of men pretend to be single at work and then when questioned they finally mention a gf or wife that they left out of the first twenty five conversations.

Original poster
Whatdoesthismean1234 · 20/02/2018 18:58

Queen, that is what my sister is thinking. She’s besotted with him and can’t even consider that he might not be interested.

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Original poster
Whatdoesthismean1234 · 20/02/2018 18:59

Definitely single for about 4 years. He has an ex-wife who used to work at the company. No children.

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Crispbutty · 20/02/2018 19:01

He is her senior manager. It would probably cause no end of shit if they had a relationship and that is understandable too. He has probably realised this. If she wants to have any chance of a relationship with him she should get a new job and then see if he is still interested.

Queenoftheblitz · 20/02/2018 19:03

Whatdoes, maybe you shouldnt burst her bubble until he tells her he's not interested.
Not all men want to rush the intimacy, especially at his age.

Original poster
Whatdoesthismean1234 · 20/02/2018 19:04

I think the communication between them had already gone too far, I’d said that to her previously but she just let it continue. Now we’re here and she could’ve stopped that months ago.

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Original poster
Whatdoesthismean1234 · 20/02/2018 19:05

Queen, I wasn’t trying to be unkind. I want her to move on and meet someone available so
That she’s happier. She’s miserable not knowing.

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CharisMater · 20/02/2018 19:07

She's been thinking that he is this fantastic guy, but really, he's been fanning his ego with the adoration of a younger and more subordinate colleague. I reckon he does like her enough to communicate with her and spend time with her at his own convenience but he's suddenly realised that a mature adult gets closer to somebody understanding that there will be expectations and attractions and that all of the communication will have formed a bond. Now he's panicking because she quite understandably thinks they're on the road to becoming a thing. I'm sure this distancing stuff has been done to me a hundred times because I used to go for unavailable men (I don't mean married, I don't mean cold, I mean men who were perfectly capable of forming a connection but who just chose not to commit)

Queenoftheblitz · 20/02/2018 19:11

Whatdoes, she needs to ask him if there's potential to take the attraction further (not just a fling).
Sounds like she's being a bit passive

CoraPirbright · 20/02/2018 19:12

When you saw the text messages, what impression did you get? Was she leading the conversation eg “we have a great connection, dont we?” And the boss replying “er, yes I guess so” or was it more both of them saying these things? Did he strike you as flirtatious?

Original poster
Whatdoesthismean1234 · 20/02/2018 19:14

Cora, the texts were equal I would say. He talked about how much he likes her personality, how clever and generally wonderful she is. Apparently he’s told her she looks beautiful at times too?

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Viviennemary · 20/02/2018 19:31

I think he's realised that this flirting is in danger of developing into an affair and wants to make sure it doesn't but inviting those other people. Sounds like he's been flattered by the attentions of a younger woman and has responded but is now drawing back. And very sensible of him under the circumstances.

donquixotedelamancha · 20/02/2018 19:35

and she’s early 30s

AIBU to say that this is a clear signal that he is no interested in her?

Fucking hell, she's in her 30s, is she not past this playground shit yet?

He's her boss, which makes it hard for him to ask her out (if he's not a sleazy dick). Tell her to get on with it and ask him out or get over it and move on.

Original poster
Whatdoesthismean1234 · 20/02/2018 19:36

But, You’re probably right. She’s so infatuated by him though she can’t see it.

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