To ask for help - incident with son at school

[BuntyCollocks]

Our just turned 7 DS has a note home today that he put his hands around another child’s neck and squeezed. I’m utterly horrified. He is generally a kind and loving boy, and we practice gentle hands. He and his little sister, our DD, fight, but I’ve never had anything like this.

I asked him why he did it, and he said the other boy kicked him in the nose first, so he retaliated. I don’t know if it makes a difference, but he’s one of the youngest in his class (we are Scotland), and he does lack emotional maturity, though he’s academically bright.

I’ve told him how disgusted I am with his behaviour, I’ve sent him to bed, and he will be having no electronic time for a long time, but what the actual fuck do I do?

I’m so, so upset that he had this in him. I’ve phoned and left a message with school to get an appt with his teacher to discuss the incident.

Help please. I’m so utterly at a loss.

Are you rather overreacting? He’s been sanctioned so the matter should be finished. I’m afraid little boys (in particular) scrap sometimes. It’s not right but it happens. It sounds like six of one, half a dozen of the other. Let it go. Don’t descend into a cycle of excessive punitive measures. Fresh day tomorrow.

Keep.giving a clear message that violence is never the answer but enough of the punishment.

Presumably the school will mete out some punishment, so don't do more than you have done! He's done the wrong thing, you are backing up the school and reinforcing the behaviour was not acceptable, but you don't need to punish him repeatedly. Draw a line under it, tell him you do not expect it to happen ever again and move on. He's a kid, these things happen.

This really isn't a note situation, someone should have phoned you. I would just calmly contact the school in the morning. Leave a message saying you would like someone to phone you regarding this incident and that you would like more information.

Its the kind of thing they do once and then see the fallout and realise they can't do it again, in my experience. I think DS did it once, to his sister, but never seen him do it since.

You speak to school, see what they have to say. You’ve already told your son that you sonny condone his response and have punished him for it. Unless it happens again consider it closed.

Calm down. He's 7. The school has acted. You have acted. Don't punish him repeatedly as ^pp says. Talk about it tomorrow maybe, but don't over dramatise this. I repeat, he's 7. My DB was apparently caught with matches trying to burn the school down..... allegedly... the school that our mother taught in... He's now a very wealthy stockbroker and never (to my knowledge) tried to burn anything down again.

Don’t!! For some reason my phone autocorrects to sonny every time I write don’t!

You're right to be upset, OP, I would be too and actually, I have been in your position so I know what it's like.

YY to punishing him but 'a long time' sounds a bit harsh, he's only young and he's still learning. Talk to him about why he's being punished and explain why that behaviour isn't acceptable. I always told my DC that I wasn't trying to be mean when I punished them, I was teaching them right from wrong.

Don't beat yourself up and try not to over react, he's a child and they do stupid things. I hate to tell you this but there will probably be more

Bet he doesn’t get kicked again though! Apart from an education in why strangling/ tying things round necks is really really not a good idea I’d lay off him a bit. It’s not like he just randomly decided to act aggressively or he’s doing it all the time.

He does need to learn it's not acceptable - my ds had a couple of incidents years back where he reacted to provocation from other kids but schools don't accept that and often the original perpetrator gets away with their cruel actions and the child who reacts is the one who gets punished.

7 is very early to learn the lesson and it may be a one-off or it may take longer to learn it. I can't see how taking away electronic items will help, though.

I also think what happens in school should be punished in school, within reason.

I am quite surprised that the school did not phone you because he was also a victim. Being kicked in the nose is not a minor incident, either.

Kids have to put up with stuff that would never happen in the wider world, yet we expect them to behave much better than adults would in the same situation.

I think telling him you are disgusted and no electronics is an overreaction

In effect 2 boys had an fight, one started it the other retaliated and finished it.

What you should be doing is explaining why strangling is so bad and what he should have done (tell the teacher)

OP, no real advice for you but i just wanted to say how great it is that you’re taking this so seriously and not just making excuses for your child.

I can’t help but feel that it’s half the battle. Too many parents (some of my relatives included) are too quick to try and cover up for their children, and unsurprisingly there are some very childlike, selfish adults in the next generation down. Not saying I am perfect- definitely not- but when my DD recently stole something from a large shop, I made her go back in, hand it back and apologise. She was utterly terrified, the staff were great at being a bit stern without being unkind, and she will hopefully have learned a big lesson.

Hope it’s sorted soon- your DC is lucky to have such a caring parent

Please dont tell you 7 year old he disgusts you. That is appalling.

I think a strong talk about what he did, a suitable punishment and then a note to school to say you are v disappointed and have spoken to him. As for being kicked in the nose, I would be asking him for more details but would be v clear with him that it doesn't excuse him and that you don't want him to exaggerate or make something up to take the heat off him. Kids do sometimes invent something as they have learnt that this will distract from their actions and divert the adult dealing with the issue. I would be interested in how he was kicked in the nose. Was this a high kick in football? Was he fighting on the ground? It is quite hard to kick someone in the nose deliberately unless in sport or unless they are actually lying on the ground at your feet.

Thanks everyone, this is where mumsnet is great because honestly I don’t know how far I should punish this. I’m the first mum in my social circle so no experience to draw on.

School haven’t actually punished him at all - new teacher as previous is on maternity leave. They’ve only been told to use gentle hands and kind behaviour. Just been told a third boy involved and confirmed that with his mum.

DS didn’t tell the teacher he had been kicked, so at the moment it just looks like he and his friend ganged up on the other boy.

I’ve explained now how serious strangling is, and reiterated (as he has been told many times) not to hit back and tell the teacher instead.

I didn’t say here or to my DS that he disgusts me, C0unt I told him his behaviour is disgusting. It’s two very different things, but feel free to clutch your pearls.

Thank you, corblimey - it’s a really fine line, and I don’t always get it right, but I’m trying.

cansu apparently the other boy was sitting on a raised platform, and kicked his leg up, DS was in front of him and caught it full whack.

I think you start tomorrow as a new day
Put it behind you both and move on
It's no big deal and it happens
It's a normal part of growing up
Tomorrow find a way to praise him for something positive he has done and how proud you are of him

Does he watch the Simpson's at all?

Thanks insancerre - that’s a good plan. He’s in bed now, I’ve told him how much I love him, and I don’t think we’ll have a repeat.

nobrain not one of the things we watch in this house - we’re actually very Disney which is low on strangulation!

I had a phone call from my DS school a few years ago, he was 9. He had punched a boy in the face. It was so totally out of character, I was horrified. He said he'd been grabbed from behind when kneeling down and just swung his arm. He was as shocked as I was. I made him write a letter of apology to the boy and took him in to apologise to his teacher the next morning (I cried and felt a dick!). Nothing has happened since and he's 14 now. Don't beat yourself up. Xxx

I once got a call from an irate mother that my ds, 6 at the time bit her son. I asked ds and he said the boy (easily 30 lbs heavier than ds) sat on him and the only part that wasn't sat on was his head. While I did tell him never ever to do that again secretly was glad he defended himself. Then I called the mother back and was just as irate with her for her kid sitting on my kid.

Your son was punched in the nose, that is So painful he just retaliated. You told him not to do it again, it's over.