To not bother contacting best friend?

[Kellyorob344]

About 6 years ago my best friend met a guy from Poland who told her in his country men didn’t wear condoms (I know!!) anyway she soon fell for him and 7 weeks later she was pregnant.
Fast forward 6 years later and I can’t stand him.
We used to meet every Thursday for tea and a catch up until he “conveniently” took every Thursday off so she had to spend it with him.
Then we changed to fridays meeting up (as he started work at 11am) then he changed to starting work at 4pm so we can’t meet up now.
She says she feels guilty leaving him alone and he always looks sad.
I noticed recently it’s always me texting her etc(she used to text or call most days) so I made a point of not texting etc for 10 days (to see if she bothered) and nothing.
Would you even bother?
Or just wait for her?

Leave it. She'll be in touch when it all goes tits up.

I can't believe she's fallen for some of the things he's said.

Friendship has to work both ways. If you are the one doing all the running then take a step back and you will soon see how much she actually values the friendship

It actually sounds like he may be a bit abusive. She will need your support. In your place I would make an effort to stay in touch even if it is just one sided texts. At least that way she will know that you are there for her if she needs you.

Me either,that’s the tip of the iceberg but I can’t say it on here.

I would send her a text letting her know the door is open when she needs you but for now you are taking a step back as it hurts that a longtime friendship has gone so one way.

Her world now is just him and her little boy.
You still need friends surely?
How many years can you do that without getting very depressed.

I think she's in an abusive relationship
Leave the door open so she can call you or text you even if he makes it hard to meet. Hopefully she'll see what he's really like

If it was me I would make sure I saw her without him just to piss him off.

This is controlling behaviour, People who do this aim so separate the person from friends and family. It is psychological abuse and is recognises as domestic abuse in this country.
She may be unable to contact you at the moment or more likely has been persuaded she does not want to. Without making any comment on his behaviour (read her texts) Try and let her know that you miss her and are available any time she wants to speak to you. These situations can escalate into violence

She won’t meet up,says she’s busy as he isn’t in work so they are together.
The only way we can meet up is if he gets called in early and even then he texts all the time.

I appreciate that this is really crap from your point of view, but from what you have said, I suspect the reality is that she is being controlled by him, by subtle or not so subtle means, and so is really not in a position to be making free choices.

I would just just keep in touch and let her know that you are there for her if she needs it.

Its very hard to care about someone and not know what is going on with them though so I don't blame you for feeling frustrated and upset

I'm not really sure what else you can do if she refuses to meet unless he's at work and there's literally no time you can do when he isn't there. I'd try to send regular texts saying something random and cheerful and reminding her you are keen to meet up when she's free.

Ive lost my best friend to a waste of space from a country outside the EU. This is relevant as he cant just settle here easily.

He hasnt even married her (unmarried partner visa), not sure he wants dc has 2 already by 2 different women and she bank rolls the show. Subbing his child support and always on holiday when I know he is broke. He is several years older than her and into his 40s so the longer this goes on the less likely he will want to start again with dc. 6 years and counting.

She barely bothers with me now. Shrugs. It's her life. Ive stopped contacting her completely.

One of the criteria considered for "coercive control" is
"•Stopping or changing the way someone socialises"
(from CPS website)

From the snapshot you have given it sounds like she may be in an abusive relationship. He has twice undermined your attempts to meet to your knowledge. How much more is going on behind closed doors.
I would keep the door open but accept she may not be in a position where she feels she can stay in touch in the way she would like.

I feel your pain, there were 3 in our friendship - even when they split up!! I walked away 3 years ago .
Once when i was bleeding and had to go to hospital (during pregnancy) he wouldn't allow her to answer her phone as they were eating out.

At McDonald's.

I had a similar experience with one of my friends. I kept getting in touch in a gentle way saying things like 'thinking of you, hope you're ok'. She'd moved away so it was a bit different. I didn't make a massive effort with her but made sure she knew I still cared.

After a while I got a random message in the middle of the night saying she was sorry and she was going to be better at staying in touch now. Our friendship got back on track, and she later confided in me that she'd left him that night after he assaulted her and threatened her life. He'd forbidden her from seeing me, because he said I didn't like him (I didn't) and was undermining their relationship (I was, rightly so). She's married to a lovely man now and they have two dc and we're still friends.

Hang on in there OP. Keep showing her you care, its possible she really, really needs you right now but can't say.

Crisp seems to be offering sound, logical advice here. I'd go with that. Send a message saying something to that effect (if you want) or otherwise just leave well alone. I'm not sure what I'd do if it were me.
Not much help I guess.

Thanks everyone..
I really don’t want to seem “clingy” as such or demanding attention.
I’m going to see if she contacts me in the next week and if not give her a text.