Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To expect more of DH when I'm pregnant?

15 replies

Flippetyflip · 20/02/2018 10:56

Can I ask if you were treated any different by your DP during your pregnancy? AIBU to expect a bit of extra care and attention?

This is my 3rd pregnancy and I'm in the final month, that bit when you feel tired, sore, heavy and maybe a bit emotional. I have two young DCs to look after with currently no extra childcare and no family or close friends nearby (we relocated 3 months ago).

I don't feel that DP has gone the extra mile or made me feel cared for in any of my 3 pregnancies. He is amazing with the kids when he is around. He does 50% of his share of childcare when he is here but works long hours. He will do the washing up and he does put laundry on/ hang it out etc. But he doesnt help with any cleaning. He has very half heartedly seen me doing housework in the last few weeks and said 'why don't you sit down' but he doesn't actually offer or intend to do the cleaning job himself. He was off work yesterday and we agreed to clean and tidy the house together. I got stuck in and he decided to set the clock on the microwave, then start googling how to clean the filter on the vacuum cleaner and then finally did some hoovering. Meanwhile I was on all fours cleaning the bathroom and toilets! Not once did he say maybe we should swap jobs and he could do that.

I've struggled with pregnancy related insomnia for the last 3-4 months and I think he has offered me a lie in on 2 occasions. This morning we had a blazing row because I woke him in the night because he was snoring. He told me I was selfish and should have found ear plugs. This led to me calling him selfish due to all the above.

I suppose I just want to feel loved and special to him. When my mum came to stay a couple of weeks ago she seemed genuinely worried about me and noticed how tired I looked. I just feel DH doesn't seem to see me. I dont feel he gets how I feel emotionally or physically. We've had sex about twice in the last 6 months and I feel we've lost our connection somewhat. It has been a stressful time relocating. AIBU to expect a bit more?

OP posts:

APontypandyPioneer · 20/02/2018 11:09

You're at the end of a pregnancy and by the sounds of it feeling stressed and tired. He isn't going to understand emotionally and physically how you feel because he hasnt been through it. He's there with you though and by the sounds of it trying to do his bit - even if it does mean faffing about with a hoover filter. Tell him exactly what you want him to do and try and both get some sleep even if it means him on the sofa for a couple of nights!

Rosiie · 20/02/2018 11:33

No YANBU, but at least he's done more than what STBEXH has done. He didn't lift a finger, when I was pregnant with youngest DS I would get up, clean take DC to nursery, pick them up, feed them and bath, bedtime then clean some more. This continued up til the day I gave birth. I spent 3 days in hospital, got home and did the same thing the day after I got home from hospital. He never took care of me or told me to relax. All he did was sleep and eat.

You need to tell him exactly what you want him to do.

Nikephorus · 20/02/2018 11:45

You need to tell him exactly what you want him to do.
This ^. If he wasn't a mind-reader before then he won't be now either.

ElspethFlashman · 20/02/2018 11:50

Meanwhile I was on all fours cleaning the bathroom and toilets! Not once did he say maybe we should swap jobs and he could do that

A) Fuck that at 8 months pregnant. Why would you do that??? I was squirting some bleach down and swiping a wet rag around the floor with my shoe at that stage. You're doing too much. Ditch the scrubbing.

B) If someone has to do that intensive a clean, tell him to do it.

LivLemler · 20/02/2018 11:52

It doesn't take a mind-reader to realise your 8 months pregnant wife might be better off not on her hands and knees cleaning floors and bathrooms.

OP, YANBU. I'm about a month behind you (but our first so life is a big hectic). We tend to be pretty 50/50 anyway, but DH has stepped up, because as you say, he can see me and knows when I'm not feeling the best.

LivLemler · 20/02/2018 11:53

*life isn't so hectic

Steeley113 · 20/02/2018 11:53

I’m in a very similar situation as you. Heavily pregnant with my 3rd and I feel exactly the same. He constantly moans he feels ‘drained’. Last night, the kids vomiting big caught up with me and the minute he walked through the door I went upstairs and got into bed. I didn’t say a word! He did everything that needed to be done so sometimes I think being forceful helps. That said, he watched me struggle to put the Christmas decs in the loft after I’d asked him for over a month to do it.

Original poster

Flippetyflip · 20/02/2018 12:05

Wow rosiie sounds like you really had it tough. Makes me realise perhaps DH is not so bad and is trying to help. nike and pontypandy I agree I should be clearer and just ask him to do jobs. I guess I know he doesn't want to do them and then feel guilty/ feel I shouldn't ask but then resent him for not offering. I think I'm a bit tired and fed up.

I also think we probably have wider issues and perhaps just aren't connecting. We dont really seem to have much time for one another, all we do is work, take care of the children and flop into bed. Probably the story of many relationships.

OP posts:

diddl · 20/02/2018 12:10

"He was off work yesterday and we agreed to clean and tidy the house together. "

I'd assume then that you'd chosen the jobs you wanted to do.

There was no need for you to be scrubbing the floor!

Original poster

Flippetyflip · 20/02/2018 12:19

diddl we agreed to sort the house which was a state (youngest DC has been really unwell all weekend). We didnt divide jobs. I found him reading microwave manual and asked him to do something more helpful. I then found him on his phone googling the vacuum manual to find out about cleaning the filter. I prompted him again and he started hoovering kitchen floor. I then said the toilets and bathroom needed cleaning. He said he would hoover the stairs and living room. I said I really wouldn't mind doing that if he would do bathroom or toilet. He already had hoover out and was doing kitchen so said he would do the stairs. I agreed he never moved on to doing toilet or bathroom and as this is a job he never ever does (me being pregnant or not) I just decided to do it. Hate the idea of being nagging wife

OP posts:

diddl · 20/02/2018 12:27

" I just decided to do it. Hate the idea of being nagging wife"

How is saying that you can't do something due to being 8 months pregnant nagging??

I'm a short arse & sometimes I ask my husband to reach something rather than me fetching steps.

He does it to save me the bother-why wouldn't he?

londonmummy1966 · 20/02/2018 12:28

YANBU but as you have just relocated is he in a new job and feeling very stressed/preoccupied? When DH is stressed he is completely unware of anything going on around him as work becomes the be all and end all until I stick the boot in. Could you employ a cleaner/childcare for a few weeks? Maybe you just need to spell out how you feel in words of one syllable and suggest a cleaner as an alternative option to him doing more? Also you need to ask him to think about how he is going to support you at home over those first tricky weeks with a new born.

petalsandstars · 20/02/2018 12:36

My DH was very much like this in my second pregnancy, I almost threw him out because of it, and I’m not willing to have a third as I truly believe it will lead to divorce if he behaves in that way again. Despite spelling it out again and again he talked the talk but actions never followed through. He’d try for another tomorrow but I don’t trust him to pull his weight and that’s a really sad place to be in. YANBU to expect more from him - I don’t understand how these men can be so selfish and blind to the obvious.

Rosiie · 20/02/2018 12:47

One thing I've learned over the years is that men and women think different. So one thing that is important and obvious to you might not be so important and obvious to him, that's when you need to tell him what's needs to be done, if he doesn't listen to you or respect you, and you find yourself telling him the same things over and over again, and nothing changes. Then that's when you need to ditch the scumbag, sorry.

I had a friend who was pregnant, her DH wouldn't let her do anything around the house, he did everything and would think nothing of going out at night just to get her the food she craved. ( I'm assuming this is what you want OP ) while I had a husband who couldn't give a flying fuck about if I was on my knees scrubbing the floor.

keely79 · 20/02/2018 12:52

I find lists really helpful with DH. Write down all the tasks you need him to do and a deadline, then he can work his way through them. DH seems to function better with clear instructions. It feels less like nagging to me as it isn't me whining at him verbally...

It would be lovely if it spontaneously happened, but I've realised over 10 years of marriage that his brain just doesn't function that way.

Flip