Surprise Party

[Partypooper99]

So a friends partner has contacted lots of her friends to arrange a surprise evening of 'events' for friends birthday. It isn't a milestone birthday. He is a fairly new partner & the reason for this was because she hadn't had any surprise events before.

It all sounded nice to begin with, everyone getting together for an evening of fun but as it goes on & different plans are coming out I just don't think my friend will be very happy.
She has allot going on privately at the moment-allot of which nobody else knows about so I cant say anything but I don't think she's coping very well emotionally & Im worried this will completely throw her.

She is being told that she is going out for a girls day out then she will arrive to mostly everyone she knows and the 'surprise'.

Both me & the other closest friend have discussed this, we would both HATE a surprise party/event but obviously everyone is different so appreciate he thinks its a lovely idea. I just think the timing is horrendous. We are now thinking to make our excuses & not be present but realistically we are the ones she talks to so would probably be better for her if we were there. We just don't want any part of it anymore.

As a side note she has lots of different groups of friends from different places/backgrounds etc that don't usually mix aswell as her friends never before meeting his friends so not sure how that dynamic will play out along with other issues.

Not really sure what my AIBU is..what should I do?

Talk to the partner and say she wont appreciate the surprise element - tell her shes will be doing x y and z.

Other than aparty I cant think where you would get lots of different people, his and her friends together in one place, not going to be go-karting or paragliding is it ? A party, or similar, people gravitate to their own kind anyway.

What would you hope to achieve by not attending? Apart from snubbing he partner, and your friend?

I don’t really get your logic for not turning up? You decided she won’t like it, so you don’t want to be part of it, but it will still happen, just without you??

I would sound your friend out and see what she thinks.

I had a friend throw a surprise for me which really spoiled a milestone event. I hate being the centre of attention, surprises etc and it was awful. I feel dramatic saying this but it really left me feeling like I have no real friends and a few years on I still feel that way. Some of my friends obviously didn't know me that well to go along with it and the ones that did know I'd hate it but didn't speak out didn't have my back and tell me so it left me feeling pretty alone.

Please speak to her about it, she'll thank you for it.

Thanks for all the replies. Not go karting but similar smaller scale sporty type events.
I tried to make a light hearted joke to partner about how she’d take it & his response was she might hate me for a bit! I think he is under estimating how much she will dislike it. Danceable/Dilys that’s where I stand, I personally would absolutely hate it, I was worried I’d may be over exaggerated that’s why I asked another friend & she agrees she wouldn’t like it.

Ass that’s my question really as I’m not sure what to do.. I don’t really want to go anymore, I haven’t said I won’t go but I think it will be awful but I’m not sure whether to say anything more to him or to warn her. We usually celebrate all of our birthdays together with one event so this is a little unusual for us anyway esp as it’s not a milestone birthday.

Butt out! Stop being a joy sponge.

Thanks for your wonderful input TableShack, how dare I care about my friends feelings!

A lot*

Please tell him again.Speak to him.Explain you understand how much he wants to do something special for her, but female friends will be able to tell him this isn't it.She would so much love a one to one with him, or whatever.
If you say it's female friends who know/feel different to him, he may not feel so criticised for his,as the boyfriend's , incorrect assumption that she'll merely be passingly upset for a while.Ask him if the risk of her being upset by what he hopes she'll love, is worth it ?
Show you care about both of them.

If you really want to stop it the only thing to do is to tell her in advance.

You’d need to be really, really sure though, the bf is never going to forgive you for it.