AIBU to be mad/disappointed in STBXH?

[AdrasteiaAthena]

Long post to try and avoid drip feeding. Beyond outting but I can't find it in myself to care.

Split from STBXH late 2016 at the time I worked weekends (currently 4 weeky rotation of 2.5 x 12 hours shifts) and he looked after DS (now) 2&5 - he works Mon to Fri (half day Fri). The agreement was that this would continue after split 1) so I could still work to support DS's and 2) so STBXH had contact. It has been rocky - arguments, fights and everything in between. Recent argument sent my mum to hospital due to high blood pressure (she was involved as he wouldn't leave me and DS 5 alone) I feel like this has triggered the change in situation.

Solicitors on both sides to make everything formal and done by the book regarding divorce and child arrangements.

STBXH has now hit us with, he would the the boys EOW instead of weekly as he "needs a life" - his words. I feel like I've been very flexible and offered to have any dates covered at the weekends if he needed as long as he gave as much notice as he could ie not the same day! Which has happened.

His reasons are;
I need weekends with them - I work every weekend and have done since they were babies. It's the only time I can work with childcare. Don't get me wrong I would love every second with them but I do need to support them. I also do everything during the week (school, swimming lessons, taekwon do classes and soft play sessions) to spend as much time as I can while earning enough to live.

He needs to take over time at work - I can count on my hand the amount of overtime he has done since we got together, it has never been compulsory. He hardly gets asked and he is technically only missing out on 5 hours on Saturdays as he picks DS's up from nursery ~5pm Fridays. So overtime could be done Mon to Fri if he is that desperate.

I'm basically struggling to see why you would lower the amount of contact with your children. He has them for only 45 hours weekly at the moment and about 24 of that they are asleep!

Sorry for the long post - I needed the rant. So MN AIBU?

Maybe he’s seeing someone now who is off on weekends. It is rare to find decent people nowadays.

That was one of my first thoughts Rosamund1. I doubt that is the case atm but I have no issue with him finding someone else at all, I just feel like the boys time with him shouldnt suffer as a result. He has plenty of time to spend with a SO and I've offered to arrange alternative care for the odd weekend if needed with notice.

Shameless bump as I really would like to hear people's opinions! 😊

YANBU.

I am told it is really common for H's to leave their families and all arrangements have to suit them.

I am in a similar situation and it is shit.

No advice, just massive sympathy

Point out to him that less contact means more maintenance?

Does he pay the correct amount of maintenance based on his current income? If he is reducing nights and increasing overtime make sure you contact CMS.

Sadly I doubt you can rely on him. He’s yet another pay a paltry amount and spend a few hours playing with your children type of parent.

Can anyone else assist?

PrefectlyDone
Thank you for your reply! I'm sorry you are having a similar experience.
It's a really shitty situation and I really feel for any DC involved in something like this.

Coolaschmoola
The solicitor and I have pointed it out to him. He is bitter about paying what he pays atm which also baffles me. So he knows it will increase by however small it maybe

43percentburnt
I'll be making the adjustment when it happens. He already knows about it changing and is pretty bitter but still wants his "life".

I know, that describes his parenting quite accurately although he boasts on FB otherwise!

Thankfully my DM, DF and DB are stepping in for help. DC love them - so win for them in my eyes.

I’m not a huge fan of every weekend. I don’t think it’s great for either parent. One parent gets all the ‘fun’ days and the other gets the week slog with no opportunity for anything other than school, clubs and bed. I find that unfortunate for the kids too not getting the ‘fun’ time with both parents. Also never having an opportunity to socialise in the weekend, yet the RP has every weekend to maybe catch up also seems unfair to me. Can he not have two nights midweek one week, weekend the next?

SD1978
I 100% see where you are coming from. Hence the reason I've said countless times to him if he needed a weekend or night all he needed to do was ask and I'd sort it out. His response to that is he is fine spending time with boys and saves him money anyways?
On the side of me having more time to socialise, I don't really bar one Friday a month and a couple of hours here and there. With 12 hours shifts and a ~45min commute either side - I'd rather sleep more than anything else! DC and I's fun day is Sundays after pick up.
He wouldn't be able to do mid week as he has an early start at work so him getting school and nursery runs are a no go.

Tell him that due to your work commitments you need the arrangements to stay as they are. However, when the children are older and can care for themselves you are happy to re negotiate.

If he needs to do overtime when the children are with him he need to find childcare himself. ie his mother?

LifeBeginsAtGin
I did approach the idea of waiting or outright saying this won't really work atm but he told me "that it's my problem, not his" to sort out my working hours.
His family swing between never seeing the boys and making a minimum effort. I know from past experience they would never help out at all.
The more I think about it, the more I feel like it would be better if DC were to be with people who wanted to see them - STBXH has said he would fight in court to get what he wants.

I did approach the idea of waiting or outright saying this won't really work atm but he told me "that it's my problem, not his" to sort out my working hours

Surely then you say the same to him when he needs you to have the DC as he wants to work overtime.

I really feel for you op- but I doubt there’s anything you can actually do about it.
One of my dc sees his dad every weekend without fail. He messages during the week and when away with work he FaceTimes our toddler because he misses him. He would absolutely never resent every weekend- in fact, he resents it if I want to take the kids off for a weekend (not that he’d ever say so, but I know he’s gutted)
On the flip side my other dc sees nothing of his dad. And it’s so hard. There’s no break and my dc is heartbroken that his dad doesn’t see or ‘like him’ in his words.

52FestiveRoad
I have tried, believe me. At times it's like talking to a brick wall. I'm accused of ruling his life and being awkward. Although I'm told all of this far less politely. He won't go to his parents or family to help.

Ellendegeneres

It's like being between a rock and a hard place. It's wonderful one of your DC has so much contact with their dad - they must have a wonderful relationship.
My heart breaks for your other DC I fear this is what will happen in time for my own DC. The only thing I can pass on is what I've been told by friends and family - He is ruining the relationship and in time DC will know exactly who was there to support and care for them.