Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Cutting my dad out our lives for good?

20 replies

Twocatsonebaby · 19/02/2018 16:40

My dad always makes people feel sorry for him. Which is probably why I've stayed about this long. Our childhood with him was rough. We had our lovely mom who battled social services etc when my brother did his suicide attempts age 11. She worked 27 hour shifts to provide for us on her own and my dad refused to give her money for us because his ex girlfriend told him not to.
He let his ex girlfriend abuse us. (telling my brother with asbergers he was weird and had brain damage for his suicide attempts)
I had gastroenteritis as a baby and my mom left us with dad. He didn't even bother to look after me or even check on me. Apparently mom came to pick me up and found me covered in vomit and rushed me to hospital.
My brothers first suicide attempt he buggared off to ibiza the next day with his ex girlfriend. Didn't care one bit.
Needless to say, he's been abusive. Manipulative and selfish. An ruled by his cruel ex girlfriend who did whatever she could to make our lives hell.

So I've had dd and I'm due ds really soon. I have a lovely dp who okay, isn't the best provider but he will do anything for me and our dcs. We have very little but we're happy.

Today my dad came over and usually he's okay with dd. But today he was vile to her. Saying things to her that he shouldn't have been saying. Nasty things and giving her really dirty looks because he's pissed at me and his reason is pathetic.

The reason is is I found out quite late I was pregnant with ds. Very recently. I told him and he just replied "we will catch up sometime".
Today he's been a real nasty piece of work and he won't even look at me. He didn't ask me if I was okay. Didn't ask me about the baby. If the baby was healthy, nothing. And then proceeded to snap at me that I haven't sorted through my brothers possessions. (my brother committed suicide in 2015 and succeeded) I can't do it now because it's still so painful and I can't bare to go through his clothes that smell like him. And then proceeded to tell me to throw them all.

How do I go about kicking this asshole out my life?

OP posts:

Handsfull13 · 19/02/2018 19:45

I'm sorry for your loss and congratulations on your pregnancy 💐
I would remove all of your brothers things from where ever they are and store them somewhere safe for you to go through later. Loft or cupboard whichever you have access to, there should never be a time restraint on when you have to deal with lost ones belonging.
Then go no contact basically stop talking to him and never reach out to him. If you feel brave tell him you don't want anything to do with him but if not just stop responding and he'll get the hint eventually.

ilovewinterpansies · 19/02/2018 19:48

Not sure what to say other than send love and hope you are ok. He sounds awful, I'm sorry you've had to go through all this with your dad and then the sadness of losing your brother. Big hugs xx

Shouldileavethedogs · 19/02/2018 19:50

I cut my mum out. Best thing I did. Ten years and no contact. She died in that time and I don't care. Good luck OP

Poshindevon · 19/02/2018 19:53

I dont understand when you left home why you remained in contact with your father?
You do not say what happened to your mother.
I cannot believe you would allow your abuser to be in your life and around your children. Does your DP know about your history with your father. ?
Tell him straight you dont want to see him any more. Block his telephone calls and dont let him in your house.If you dont have the strength to do it ask your DP to help you

Iloveacurry · 19/02/2018 19:59

Sorry about your brother and congratulations on your pregnancy. Your father doesn’t sound like a very nice man. Not sure why you’re still in contact with him. He would be no great loss from your life or that of your kids.

placebobebo · 19/02/2018 20:27

Don't let him to do your daughter what he did to you and your brother. He's no loss. Morn for the relationship you wanted with him and look with open eyes at the utter unfeeling twat he really is and move on with your life without a second glance in his direction.

WobblyBanana · 19/02/2018 20:37

Just because he's a blood relative doesn't mean he should be in your life. I remember when we were teens, my best friend getting hurt over and over again by her Dad and her still trying to get him to show some love to her. She gave up when she was in her twenties and went NC, and really it was the best thing she could do.

Her loving, kind stepdad walked her up the aisle when she got married, clapped when she went up to get her degree, and helped her when her children came along. Her biological Dad died never having known his grandchildren, and she made the decision not to go to his funeral.

Sometimes, you just have to say enough is enough.

Mishappening · 19/02/2018 20:41

You don't need this man in your life - so make the choice not to have him there, for the purposes of protecting your children.

RadioGaGoo · 19/02/2018 21:02

I cut my self centred, abusive (to my Mother) father out of my life five years ago.

My only one regret is that I didn't do it sooner. It was the best decision of my life.

outofmydepth45 · 19/02/2018 21:06

If someone is vile to your DD you tell them to FOAD (fuck off and die) - YANBU t hats my top tip.

I'm so sorry for your loss

Original poster

Twocatsonebaby · 19/02/2018 21:07

My family are very small and that family are incredibly close knit and would hound me if I upset my dad. I'm sick of it now. I really want a relationship with him as I'm forgiving and willing go forget. Recently he's been lovely. Picking me up from work etc but after my announcement of ds he's just turned vile again. I genuinely thought after my brother's death as he's so 'grief stricken' he'd want to patch things up. But it doesn't look like it. Still the selfish asshole he always has been

OP posts:

ClemDanfango · 19/02/2018 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yogagirl123 · 19/02/2018 21:16

Many congrats on your pregnancy OP. I cut an abusive parent out of my life, it is one of the best things I have ever done, no regrets whatsoever other than it should have happened many years before, but until you become a parent yourself it’s hard to see. Good luck with making your decision.

HiggeldyPigsinblankets · 19/02/2018 21:35

if it was a friend who was behaving so badly to us we would have no trouble in cutting them out, for a family member who should love and protect us to be so bad it is worse in my book, cut him out and dont look back.

I have been nc with my arsehole father and vile abusive stepmother for 30 years, I'm quite very old, I have no regrets, his behavior caused it and he has missed out on so much, my db has also been nc for the last 5 years

Original poster

Twocatsonebaby · 19/02/2018 21:46

That's the thing, I don't want to regret anything. I want him to go to the grave and me know I don't have any regrets. I don't think people can change anymore. But the main thing in this, he doesn't get me. I can't vax my daughter for various reasons and health concerns and allergies. All confirmed by our family doc who advised us not to. I'm the bad parent for not doing it anyway. I'm a bad parent for not going out clubbing and leaving her with him. I'm a bad parent for not breastfeeding her (which in fact I did, but my supply wasn't enough to sustain her due to my hormones) and I get dug at all the time for it.
Not to mention the fact I'm introverted and don't like clubbing and football is another thing that makes them think it's acceptable to leave me out and dig at me about saying "I'm not normal" and it's "all my mom's fault"
Just fed up with him now. Especially with how he treated dd today.

OP posts:

HiggeldyPigsinblankets · 20/02/2018 08:33

I will put up with a lot, and did, but as soon as I had my dc there was no way they were getting anywhere near them to hurt or damage them. My db had contact until 5 years ago, they were vile to him and caused trouble in his marriage, worst of all they favored one of his children, causing hurt and upset. Its easy to say go nc, but not always easy to do

agbnb · 20/02/2018 08:39

If you need the strength to cut him out, ask yourself, do you want to show your DD & new DS that his behaviour is acceptable growing up?

Cut him out, OP, and do it undramatic ally, just step back, he's no longer someone whose selfish behaviour affects you. If your family get into it, don't engage or explain - just let the relationship go and it sounds like it should have years ago.

You owe him nothing.

Sassydoughnut · 20/02/2018 09:15

Just ignore him. Don't answer phone or door. Tell him to get lost. I've done this with various members of my crazy family and feel great for it.
My dad was very mentally ill growing up, he's much better now. But, I only see him when I want to and don't let him get away with stuff anymore. My mum let him get away with saying and doing anything. Which, no offence, sounds like your mum.
I am NC with older brother, my younger brother has issues, I'm currently not speaking to him unless necessary.
I understand you may have a desire for a dad in your life, but he's not a dad.
Don't let him repeat the abuse he heaped on you and your brother. Your children don't need that in their lives. And it would be your fault if they suffered because of it.
I am sorry for your brothers death, your father should hang his head in shame.

Sassydoughnut · 20/02/2018 09:18

You have the chance to end this man's terrible behaviour in your family. I will not allow any member of my family to impact negatively on my child. It is your choice, you owe him nothing. Please cut contact with him for your kids sake. Be brave.
He is not your dad, he is a bully.

Original poster

Twocatsonebaby · 20/02/2018 18:18

Thanks all, he is a bully. A vile vile man who only cares for himself.

OP posts:

Flip