To think the grass is greener?

[causeimunderyourspell]

Please give me a verbal slap on the head for these thoughts that are running through my stupid brain!

So I'm married to a man I've been with for almost 8 years, married for nearly 1. We have 2 children. We met when I was 20 and he was 37, I'm now 28 and he's 45. I feel sometimes that maybe I did a lot of changing as a person in that time and sometimes wonder if we have anything in common anymore. I quite often think 'is this it now?' Which I know is horrible. He's not an affectionate person and he's a closed book in terms of disclosing feelings. He's also a self confessed grump. Mostly negative about things really. I don't feel particularly attracted to him anymore, I can't remember the last time we were intimate. Sometimes I wonder if he's even attracted to me tbh. However he is a good bloke with a big heart, a good dad and doesn't do anything to deserve these thoughts I keep having. He would never do anything to hurt me and I know this hand on heart. I just feel like we are just friends at times. We don't talk deeply about anything, conversation is just the day-to-day stuff really but mostly I'm talking to the backside of his iPad!!

Now - the grass greener bit. I work with a man who is closer in age to me. I'm ridiculously attracted to him and we just click. He makes me laugh, is very kind and that's that really. I can't help it but I sometimes find my mind wandering to the what ifs. I know that if I were single we'd be dating if not in a relationship by now. It's so wrong to even think this but I can't help it! Plus I would never hurt my kids and hubby by leaving through my own selfishness. Obviously I know that even having these kind of thoughts would hurt my husband but I guess maybe I am craving something that I'm not getting at home, affection, intimacy and just conversation!

So give it to me straight, what do you think of me? Is this just normal that all married couples go through at some point or am I just a crap person who doesn't deserve my husband?

You're only 28...way too young to settle for a marriage which basically just sounds like companionship.

I'd water your own grass, before breaking up a family because of lust.

Two choices. Leave your husband, let the dust settle and see if a relationship with this other man is possible.
Or, put your energies into fixing your relationship as it stands and forget the OM.

Cheating is never a good choice. It will not bring you lasting happiness and puts your entire family life at risk.

I'd water your own grass, before breaking up a family because of lust

Weird comment

Oh I'd never ever cheat, I couldn't do that to my husband, nor would I want to anyway. I still love him but the old cliche, love you but not in love with you, I think applies unfortunately.

I also wonder if I'm to young to settle to this but then I also think so I need to forget what I'm too young for now that I have 2 children who need their mum not to be a selfish bitch. I'm not sure I can say we'd be together now if we didn't have kids. We went through a really tough 6 months where I really thought I'd have walked if I didn't have the little ones to think of.

We don't fight at all, so there is no impact on the children in that respect, nor are we both wandering around miserable. It just feels not near enough at times (most of the time)

Life is about change. Relationships change, people change. What is happening now could very well be temporary. You need to talk to your husband.

I think this is just the start of your dissatisfaction with your marriage the 17 year gap is beginning to show. I’d go to couples therapy and get closer.

Have you actually spoken to your dh about how he feels?

Sounds like you're in a rut and have had your head turned. It happens, long term relationships and marriage have their hard patches.

You were very young to settle down with a much older man.

Can you afford to separate? Would your job cover the mortgage, bills and day to day living? Can you afford childcare? Can you afford to continue paying into your pension?

I'd leave your husband, he's not going to get younger and that's where the problem is.

Ruts are so common especially after children but can be turned around. Agree with try and "water your own grass" but don't be hard on yourself for feeling like you do. The fact you're questioning how you feel and are being honest with yourself is a good thing. Is there any chance you and your husband could have a "no gadgets allowed" weekend away together with the aim of reigniting your spark?

But IHaveBrilloHair it's not that simple. There are now 2 children to think of. Is it fair they their parent should separate and have to spend EOW in a different house?

Can the OP afford to leave, or is it down to the taxpayer to support her 'becaused she is bored'? Or is the older man wealthy and able to keep the family comfortable.

I do wonder why the OP committed herself to a much older man at only 20 and if any family or friends were concerned.

It was mainly the llack of intimacy a damn good fuuck which led me to leave DH. At 33 i just couldn't settle for sex on high days and holidays only. We discussed this repeatedly (amongst other issues) and nothing changes so i cleared off. There were no DC involved which obviously made things a lot easier.

You only married him a year ago though? I would definitely put some energy into making it work first because often the grass isn't greener. Talk to your dh about how you feel, you might as well, it will be less of a shock than you leaving him

I don't even get it on high days and holidays! There have been plenty of opportunities but he doesn't seem to have a sex drive at all. I have mentioned this to him before but he doesn't really say anything at all, just makes excuses.

Truth be told, no I couldn't afford to separate. But is that reason to stay? Is that not effectively using somebody? He's not well off either so a split would be difficult financially for him too.

To be honest when I was 20 I had extremely low self esteem and put up with a lot because of this. He was very closed and cards to his chest even then. The warnings were all there. But he was and still is a kind guy who treated me well. I do think I settled and a lot of my family were surprised but not concerned. He wasn't some kind of predator preying on young women or anything like that. His self esteem was poor as well.

I know several very active 64 year old women and they aren’t married to 81 year old men! I guess you've thought about this. Marriage is difficult at times and when his aches and pains eventually kick in I hope your a understanding and kind woman. You can do this if it’s what you want. He deserves a dedicated woman and your children deserve to see happy parents and what love between two people look like.