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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

how involved are your in-laws: what do you think of this?

15 replies

bronteE · 02/05/2007 19:18

How much do your in-laws do to help? My mil and fil never, ever offer to have my two boys, nor do they pop in to see them, unless I set it up. They never invite us up for a meal, and today I called in on them, and I wasn't even allowed out of the car, because they had someone coming, and 'if you don't leave now, you'll get blocked in.' So, I left.

OP posts:
mosschops30 · 02/05/2007 19:20

we have the same thing, my in-laws live 5 minutes away but have probably been to our house 5 times in the 7 years we have been here.
We never get invited over for lunch, and they never 'offer' to babysit

I find it a bit weird because my parents even though they live 3 hours away are much more hands on with the grandchildren, they come and visit, babysit for whole weekends and help out during holidays

FioFio · 02/05/2007 19:22

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
bronteE · 02/05/2007 19:30

I wonder if its premature ageing you know. Oh dear we couldn't possibly come and help you know, my back, my knees, I'm just so tired... Yet not too tired to traipse round 'Matalan' on a Saturday. What also gets me is that my parents live in Ireland, always flying over to help when they can. Yet in-laws live 10 minutes away. And to top it all they have their daughter's children on a regular basis: collecting them from school for her, and having them to stay over. Grrr!

OP posts:
Freckle · 02/05/2007 19:31

My MIL lives a 10 minute drive from us, but we only see her on birthdays and Christmas, plus sometimes Easter.

My parents who live about 30 minutes away are here far more often and actually make a specific effort to come and see the boys if they haven't seen them for a week or so.

Do you think it's because we are daughters that our parents make a bigger effort, rather than DILs? I know that my MIL sees far more of my niece than she does of my boys. She talks about her endlessly and has her to stay, takes her swimming etc. I sometimes wonder if she remembers which ds is which.

suejonez · 02/05/2007 19:32

some people are just not very family oriented - my father once put a christmas card through my sisters letter box without out knocking on the door. It was obvious they were in from the lights on apparently some people are just strange, they find family a bind.

Original poster
bronteE · 02/05/2007 19:36

Yes, I think it has a lot to do with being a dil. Especially, the whole oedipus thing with me taking the son away. Thank goodness my dh finds them just as irritating. I know as the dil I need to show willing, and be welcoming, and show them that they are wanted etc. but today was just such a smack in the chops. ds only two was pretty upset/confused.

OP posts:
powder28 · 02/05/2007 19:36

Mil died three years ago and fil has been very little help. eh has just announced in a very cruel email that we will probably never see him again because he will be too busy SKI-ing (Spending the Kids Inheritance)

This was after I sent him an email asking him to help us out financially, if not for our sake, but for the children. He said that was emotional blackmail! So he thinks helping his family is emotional blackmail. Screw him, he will never see us again, what a sad man.

Freckle · 02/05/2007 19:37

Well, my boys are old enough to draw their own conclusions now. It's quite telling that, when they see my parents, they spontaneously run to give them a hug. They have to be prompted to give MIL one.

Original poster
bronteE · 02/05/2007 19:40

Do you know to add insult to injury, my dad went into hospital this week to have an operation, so I phoned them up to tell them last friday that this was happening, and they didn't even bother to ring to see how it went etc. Meanwhile, I run round after them when dog dies, hospital visits, doing jobs for them, making dinner for Mil on mother's day and on her birthday. Grrrrrr!

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 02/05/2007 19:44

MIL moved two hours up the motorway so that she didn't have to babysit for us - and that really was one of the reasons she gave for wanting to move. In the five and a half years that she lived three minutes drive away, she babysat for us exactly twice - and then only for two hours at a time because she wouldn't use the stairs. Not couldn't, wouldn't.

When we go to see her now, she barely even speaks to dd - usually she tries to get her to sit in another room and do some colouring so that she's out of the way. Like Freckle's dss, though, she's beginning to draw her own conclusions and while she adores my parents, she can take MIL or leave her.

It's my MIL's loss.

Original poster
bronteE · 02/05/2007 19:46

I don't know whether all this is tragic or funny: a tragicomedy? Perhaps, I should just stop having expectations and laugh at it all.

OP posts:
powder28 · 02/05/2007 19:48

Exactly WWB, and the sad thing is they will never change

rantinghousewife · 02/05/2007 19:51

I guess I must just be lucky then. My IL's are great and if I needed her to sit my MIL would drive the 40 mins from her house, gladly to do so. Am a bit at the indifference of some of your ILs tbh.

NoodleStroodle · 02/05/2007 19:51

I'm the other way round - pil are very good and put themselves out for us. My parents aren't very good at all - I am not quite sure why they ever had children in the first place. Superficially interested in us

powder28 · 02/05/2007 19:54

The positive thing about this is I know I would never give up on my children, no matter what they did. I probably think this way because my parents are so utterly fantastic.

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