Page 2 | Why don't men learn?? (Relatively lighthearted

monkeysee100 · 2018-02-19T09:52:12+00:00

Fed DD- the cereal bag is wide open Went to put dishes away. Half need re doing Went to wash dishes- rubbers gloves are soaking. On the inside! He doesn't even use them. The shopping bags are left in the kitchen. Instead of being returned to the boot. 😡😡😡

stickygotstuck · 19/02/2018 11:06

DH has that tendency too, but I do not let him get away with it.

Also, the word 'nag' is forbidden in our house. Often, when a man says nag he means his mananger is telling him to get on with his bloody job (that would be a 'verbal warning' in real life, no one should need reminding to do their job). Nobody pays me to be the manager of DH, therefore I expect not to have to manage for free.

And repeat. Long term, it is well worth the tediousness of it all. I don't resent DH or live life pissed off, DD is learning not to be taken advantage of when she grows up either, and DH slowly becomes a more decent, useful, rounded human being. Win-win-win situation.

allegretto · 19/02/2018 11:07

Because he thinks it's your job and his time is more valuable than his.

This! Some of these men who are half-arsed at home would never dream of being the same at work. I was discussing this with a friend. Her husband is a surgeon, pretty responsible job, but at home he can only take one child to swimming lessons at a time as it is too complicated to take two! (He is not in the pool btw, he just doesn't want to keep an eye on two children in the changing rooms).

What you need to do is find his weak spot, something he does care about. My husband has a thing about stacking the dishwasher properly, so I stack it "wrong". He has taken over that job now.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/02/2018 11:07

Standing over them to make sure they do it right?

Hmm. You see, I don't give a damn about the inside of my car. It's filthy, dogs have been covered in mud all over the back seats, there's chewing gum packs/papers/money all sorts left in it. I do tidy it, now and again but it simply isn't important to me. My OH, on the other hand, has an immaculate car, and often tells me I should clean mine out.

If he stood over me to make sure I did it right, I'd kill him.

I know nobody (much, except me, him, my kids occasionally, and the dogs) have to travel in my car except me, but...even so. Standing over someone to 'make sure they do it right' just doesn't it right with me...

JaneEyre70 · 19/02/2018 11:11

I'm not even going there. I'd still be typing in 3 hours time .

I have come to the conclusion that living with a man is a daily tolerance test. I fail miserably every fucking day. And of course, I'm perfect and have no faults .

drspouse · 19/02/2018 11:14

My DH was trained well by a tidy mum and (crucially I feel) a tidy dad. Hopefully we are feeding this forward to our DCs.
Finding things that are right in front of him without asking me - work in progress.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 19/02/2018 11:16

OP, in saying he left home late and was never shown, you are offloading the blame onto your ILs. Put it squarely back where it belongs, which is on your dh. He is, either subconsciously or on purpose, taking thr view that his time is too valuable to be doing trivial shit like clearing up after himself - that's your job!
This isn't lighthearted and you need to knock it on the head now.
My dh is not like this, neither is my dad or my brothers, so not all men are.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 19/02/2018 11:18

Meant to add that no one needs showing how to put bags back in a car or how to wipe crumbs off a worktop. If he can hold down a job and do the stuff he wants to do, thrn he can do this.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/02/2018 11:22

Also, surely, if he left home late he had more time to observe how it was done?

Or he just didn't bother because it was 'somebody else's job'.

RavenLG · 19/02/2018 11:24

Thats not "men". Might be your man, but no need for the stupid sexist stereotyping.

Yup. I do half of this. I’ll fully admit it’s because I’m lazy and I hate doing it. Or I’m rushing around in the morning because I didn’t sort my shit out in time.
Luckily DP doesn’t mind and does the other half of the things himself so we learn to put up with each other’s shit ha!

DoJo · 19/02/2018 11:28

Because they get away with it by being enabled by the women around them. Reinforces their behaviour, no incentive to change when there are no consequences.

So it's women's fault if men don't pull their weight? Because they don't want to waste food/live in filth/neglect their children so they fill the gaps in the contribution made by their husbands? Surely the consequences should be that they are unable to enjoy a pleasant living environment, that they feel bad that their children are missing out or that their wife is overburdened? In general, and certainly on this type of thread, women don't need to be incentivised to do the things that make co-habiting bearable, so why do men?

darceybussell · 19/02/2018 11:33

God I find threads like this depressing. Lighthearted or not. Does he have so little respect for you that he thinks it's your job to clear up after him?

If my DH treated me like this I'd have left him years ago. It's 2018, how are there still men who behave like this!

UpstartCrow · 19/02/2018 11:35

Blaming women for 'enabling' them is just shifting the blame away from men and on to the women around them.

The fact is some men dont give a shiny shit about consequences and will throw a massive mantrum. So women have to deal with shit not getting done, sulks, and mantrums.

Blame that immature behaviour, not women.

AirandMungBeans · 19/02/2018 11:38

Yes!! DH is a bloody nightmare. He's MA level educated, yet seems to be unable to wipe the side after making crumbs, has no clue where to put the laundry away, he doesn't even know which item of clothing belongs to which child. And don't get me started on putting the recycling on the side above the bin, rather than in the recycling bin itself. I can't even blame the fact that his mum did it all for him at home, because she didn't, although his dad's standards aren't great so maybe it comes from there.

UpstartCrow · 19/02/2018 11:39

AirandMungBeans Its called 'strategic incompetence'. If your partner thinks he is too good for certain tasks and leaves them to you, he does not see you as his equal.

LemonShark · 19/02/2018 11:40

So it's women's fault if men don't pull their weight? Because they don't want to waste food/live in filth/neglect their children so they fill the gaps in the contribution made by their husbands? Surely the consequences should be that they are unable to enjoy a pleasant living environment, that they feel bad that their children are missing out or that their wife is overburdened? In general, and certainly on this type of thread, women don't need to be incentivised to do the things that make co-habiting bearable, so why do men?

No, the responsibility continues to lie fully with the man acting like this. But enabling is real. A family member enabling someone to take drugs by giving them cash and protecting them from the natural consequences of their actions isn't responsible for the drug taking, that lies solely with the drug user. But they are responsible for their part in the behaviour continuing, by removing any natural consequences that may make the person realise it's not worth it for them.

My point is that as a partner of a man like this you're not responsible for his behaviour but you are responsible for whether you choose to stay with him and enable it by chasing around after him, or whether you acknowledge you deserve better and walk away.

MsSquiz · 19/02/2018 11:50

The time I asked DH to "put the washing in the machine" as I had sorted it in our room but then moved on to something else... then went into the garage expecting a washing machine full of clean clothes to be hung out, except there wasn't! It hadn't been on.
When I asked DH if he'd switched it on, he replied "but you just asked me to put it in the machine, you didn't tell me to switch it on"

I don't know where that came from as he put the washing on many times, whether I've asked him to do it or he has just decided to do it

drspouse · 19/02/2018 11:54

So it's women's fault if men don't pull their weight?
I blame the parents but that's parentS plural. As well, of course, as the adult men behaving like this.

I say this because I can see that DH is a fully functioning adult human being due in part to the good example set by both his parents.

Iooselipssinkships · 19/02/2018 11:56

My ex used to poo with the bathroom door wide open. He'd usually be in the buff too and with it being a small flat the smell would penetrate my soul. He'd shout me in each time (?!) and then demanded I keep the door open when having a poo! I starting using public toilets instead. Oh he was so so so vile.

However out of me and DP he's the more tidy one. With two DC he understands the importance of a clean, organised house. So I don't think it's necessarily a male/female thing.

AmyGardnersContemptuousGlare · 19/02/2018 12:07

Its called 'strategic incompetence'. If your partner thinks he is too good for certain tasks and leaves them to you, he does not see you as his equal.

As above, it's also in no way limited to men. For example, DW bought herself a bike last month (which I had to assemble) - goes out for a cycle yesterday, and comes back saying "the front wheel seems a bit sticky".

Me: "The brakes probably need adjusting a little, and they'll certainly need oiled. Have you tried any of that?"

DW: "Oh no, I wouldn't know how to do that."

And walks off. No, "show me how to do that". Just "get on with it, then". 'Strategic incompetence' at it's best.