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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re riends singing DD

45 replies

FluffyPineapple · 19/02/2018 01:17

My best friend has a 15 year old DD who sings. She s a decent singer - as young singers go. Her DM lets me know whenever her DD has a singing event and expects me to show up to support her. I have supported her in the past but lately I feel
a. I don't really want to support friends DD at every event she is involved with (because there are too many)
b. Friend and her dp have never actively supported any of my dc's following their achievements, even when they have gained high college qualifications.

OP posts:

Nyetimber · 19/02/2018 08:15

There is a balance to be had. I don’t get the miserable ‘she doesn’t watch my child, so I won’t watch hers’. I do think that’s a bit of a miserable attitude. I would never have expected friends to watch every show, every performance but certainly for special events it’s nice to go as a small group and make it excfor the child.
One of mine danced with BRB (and at school on a dance scholarship) and friends/relatives asked to come and see her on stage. It was nice. My eldest sings and we’d join with other parents/friends to go to see them if it was at somewhere like the Cathedral or the Albert Hall. Friends always still pitch up to watch our son play rugby. It’s a good evening with a decent game, proper stands and clubhouse and even a band sometimes. Similarly we e friends whose son has toured with the Simon and Garfunkel story recently. It was lovely to be able to go and see him when he appeared somewhere we were staying.
I don’t think you can be expected to make an event every week but it’s churlish not to go once in a while.......and just imagine if they’re the next Adele!

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 19/02/2018 08:30

and just imagine if they’re the next Adele!

Even more reason not to go

CobraKai · 19/02/2018 08:30

They never are the next Adele though - if they were people would want to go anyway. The OP has seen her sing and she's a 'decent' singer and she doesn't want to keep going. Why would she?

Parents do often understandably see their children through a bit of a filter. There are a few 'proud stage Mums' on MN and whenever they post vids or clips I'm never blown away by the talent. I don't say that obviously, just close the thread and carry on but I certainly wouldn't want to go and see one of their performances.

Nikephorus · 19/02/2018 08:33

Enter one of your DC in multiple recorder-playing events & invite her along, and don't forget she'll have to come watch them practice too. Your invites to her DD's events will disappear!

specialsubject · 19/02/2018 09:12

If she's the next Adele , or indeed any of the alleged talent on the TV - she must be really painful to hear.

SofiaAmes · 19/02/2018 20:23

Saskia the OP is talking about her "best friend's" child. I think that warrants a little more attention than some random acquaintance's child.

Nike I do agree with you about the recorder....I banned my poor dc's from bringing home their recorders from school. However, ds did go on to play the clarinet and that was lovely.

Cobra - how do you know they are never the next Adele? Why so negative? It takes the same amount of energy to be positive and it makes the people around you feel better.

ThePinkOcelot · 19/02/2018 20:26

Think I’d rather eat my own liver than attend a friend’s kid singing!

DoJo · 19/02/2018 20:33

DM lets me know whenever her DD has a singing event and expects me to show up to support her.

How does this expectation manifest? Does she pester you to book tickets or make arrangements?

Pretenditsaplan · 19/02/2018 20:42

I only go to my bf kids things if her or her husband cant get the time off work and only because theyre still little and look out for a friendly face in the crowd. My own kids stuff i try to make but if im going to miss it for some reason hes old enough to understand he gets an extra treat on the way home while he tells me about it

Original poster

FluffyPineapple · 19/02/2018 21:13

Friends DD is not an only child. She has a younger brother who plays rugby.

I have gone along with friend to watch her DD in various competitions and charity events mainly because early on she had nobody to go with. So I have had to sit through 2 hours of watching all the competitors sing at £10 a ticket.

Now friend sits with other competitors parents she has met in the Singing world yet still asks me to go with her. These events happen around once a month. As friend now has other people to keep her company I think it’s time to bow out.

I was a bit 😳 when she asked if I could take her DD to an “important” event she had been asked to sing at on the weekend, as she had to take DS to a rugby match as her DH was offered overtime in work! It turns out it was a fayre, raising funds for her DD’s dance school. I made my excuses.... Just wondering how I can let her know I’m not really into singing competitions and no longer feel the need to support her DD, as company for her mum.

In all fairness her DD has a nice voice but other peoples singing kids are not my priority.

My DS and DD are into music theatre. I love to watch any show they are involved in - once! They are involved in performances about twice a year. I wouldn’t want to sit through them performing every month.

It seems that by me offering support in the early stages it has somehow now become expected for me to attend every event. Friend has 2 sisters. I’m sure they would love to support their niece and keep their sister company. I think I’ll have to plant the seed.... They haven’t been very supportive so far 😞

OP posts:

CobraKai · 20/02/2018 05:55

Sofia - not true. It takes much, much more energy for me to attend an event I have no interest in and pretend to find it entertaining to soothe someone elses narcissism than it does to not do any of that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/02/2018 11:04

Can’t you want to spend time with your family? Or say she has her singing mum friends now and you feel like a third wheel. Be firm and insist she should spend time with them and engender friendships with them and offer an alternative such as a lunch catch up with you.

Lancelottie · 20/02/2018 11:08

You could always say, 'Look, I like hearing your DD, but I don't want to sit through all the others!'

viques · 20/02/2018 11:24

I would go to the next one and video it on your phone just on the off chance that she turns into the next big thing, then at least you will have something to sell to the tabloids, you could also nip into her room next time you go to their house and pinch a few future bits of memorabilia, a couple of eye shadows, a t shirt, a page or two from her English jotter or diary..........

Original poster

FluffyPineapple · 20/02/2018 13:52

My youngest is 17. She’s very rarely at home at weekends or in the evenings - spends all her time with her boyfriend.

I think I’m just going to have to keep repeating “I can’t sorry. I have something planned”.. or words to that effect. And maybe tag along every 6 months or so - to the charity/fayre type events where I don’t have to sit through about 20 other budding stars as well.

Viques I already have videos on my phone - we’ll, they are on laptop now. Because friend always has to video her dd’s performance and always asks me to video from the opposite side of the room to see which turns out best so she can share it on social media.

I don’t mind going every now and again but every month is getting a bind now. Especially when it’s the same couple of songs she sings over and over again. The Adele songs make my ears bleed 😫

OP posts:

Thistlebelle · 20/02/2018 13:56

Just say “no”.

Politely, kindly decline.

There should be an MN campaign given how difficult people seem to find this.

Topseyt · 20/02/2018 14:04

No, sorry I can't make it.

Make that your stock phrase. Seriously, I really couldn't think of anything worse or more boring. I've been prepared to support my own DD as much as I can through her interests, but why would I support someone else's, especially if none of my children were even involved.

Knittedfairies · 20/02/2018 14:08

I can’t make it (...and I don’t want to)

Original poster

FluffyPineapple · 20/02/2018 14:38

Thistlebelle. If it were an acquaintance I would have no problem saying “No”. But this is my closest friend. I really don’t want to be rude about it and I don’t want to keep saying “No”. The problem I have is she has always been there for me and vice versa.

I honestly don’t mind supporting friend and her dd in her endeavour to become the next big thing. However, I think monthly nights out to watch a load of “The next big things” is too costly, time consuming and downright boring! I don’t really want to hurt friend or dd’s feelings. I just need to bow out graciously. I love my friend and I don’t want the friendship to end by me being blunt (and cold).

I will “have something else planned” for the next few times and take it from there.

OP posts:

Thistlebelle · 20/02/2018 14:45

Why not say something like this:

“I’m so sorry I can’t make it. Never mind you don’t really need me for the monthly ones now you made all those lovely friends through the other Mums. Let me know when the next really big one is and I’ll try to come along”

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