Jealous of my lovely niece

[BoDidley]

NC here because I know I am being pathetic so this is more of a 'Why am I so pathetic' rather than AIBU.

My niece by marriage is 19, gorgeous, great figure, loads of friends, boyfriend, always out partying and loving uni life. I've been in her life since she was 12 (DH is her mum's brother).

I obviously care about her and she is a lovely girl but I can't help feeling a teeny bit sad and jealous. When I was her age I was overweight, wore glasses, didn't have many friends, had some minor health issues and still lived at home. I didn't have a proper boyfriend until well on into my 20s. I'm now very happily married to DH with DS and like to think I look quite nice and have good friends.

DH is close to his niece and they regularly chat on WhatsApp etc and he always shows me pictures she sends him of her ready to go for nights out. While I always say the right things, I can't help but feel sad that I didn't have her life at her age. I feel sometimes as though I missed out on so much in my teens and early 20s.

I just need to give myself a shake, be grateful for what I have and actually be thankful i'm not her age again, don't I?

Don’t be jealous of today’s teens, they are under insane pressures from social media.

Also, as an ugly duckling myself i’ve come to realise that beauty can be a curse as well as a blessing. A friend of mine is truly, staggeringly beautiful, but she gets a lot of harassment and seems to attract awful men who are superficially charming but just want her as a trophy.

Try to make friends with her a bit more. You'll see her as a whole person with her own struggles, not just a gorgeous picture on a phone.

I do understand, OP. I feel envious of our DDs' 19 year old French au pair. She will be starting at university back in France in September. She's young, free and single, as well as very attractive and fashion conscious. It makes me feel middle aged and passed it. I feel like it would be lovely to have my youth all over again.

But then, my life hasn't turned out too bad, I have a lovely DH and 2 precious DDs, 8 and 5, and there aren't any decisions I really regret.

I don’t think it’s the lassie per se,it’s what she represents. You feel you’ve missed out
You've idolised her,her life. She represents a life you feel perhaps you’d have liked
FWIW,doesn’t make you bad person.envy is human.but maybe this is symptomatic of a malaise

'Wistful', I think that's the word, as TrustNaeFucker said. Jealousy isn't accurate and it's a horrid emotion, you come across as very self-aware, BoDidley. Perhaps you are taking stock of where you are and what you're doing? Maybe measuring yourself against your husband's niece as a yardstick. Don't do that, it's a waste of time and emotion.

Perhaps plan something a bit challenging for yourself, something for you to achieve and don't measure yourself against other people, whoever they are, they're not you. :)

Don’t be jealous of today’s teens, they are under insane pressures from social media.

Oh god yes, this. I feel sad for the teenagers I teach and the world they live in. They can't make any sort of mistake it feels without someone whipping out a phone and putting it on the internet.

I think wistful is actually the right word more than jealous. I don't wish I was her or wish I was 19, just more looking back. I don't want to be a regretful person either.

Bet people in third world countries aren't wasting their mental energy on this rubbish. You sound ungrateful.

Just checked with DD20 and asked her if she had ever/would ever send photos of herself ready for a night out to her uncles?

Her reply "Eww - NO! Why would I do that?"

I asked if she thought any of her friends would do it - similar response. It's definitely rather odd.

Anyway - I agree with PP. Think about how you can improve your life now and going forwards, rather than dwelling on the past.

Sorry I agree with the rest who say it's funny to send pics. I went to uni and did the whole selfie thing but not for my family. I think that normally you wouldn't have to look at your dh niece getting ready and know much about what's she's up to at all really apart from an odd conversation.

I agree with pigeon it's fairly impossible not to feel a bit jealous when you compare yourself to a beautiful 19 year-old!

I disagree. I have nieces and DDs who are slimmer than I was at their age. ..not an ounce of jealousy.

I'm so proud that they are so beautiful and uniquely talented.

They're a different generation than me, so I can't be jealous of that.

I've had my time, done the all night parties and clubbing.

I think you have some insecurities and him having a closer family than you is part of the problem.

Just checked with DD20 and asked her if she had ever/would ever send photos of herself ready for a night out to her uncles?

Her reply "Eww - NO! Why would I do that?"

Your DD clearly has a different relationship with her Uncle/s and is not representative of all 20 year olds.

Every family is different.

My DB is very close to all his nieces. .but to one imparticular.

Don't make this what it isn't.

Sounds like you have regrets about your teenage years, not that you are jealous of your niece. I have many regrets of lost opportunities, making the wrong choices and many wasted opportunities, my list is long, For a time I beat myself up about these things and I had to make myself stop it. Enjoy your life now or you might be regretting wasting a your present pining for your lost youth.

Go and do it now! Why do you have to be 19?

OP, please be careful. My DSIL has a similar thing going on with my DD. It’s something that has been rumbling on for years and has deteriorated rapidly over the past 2 years.

It happens that my DD has had a strong start to her career- a combination of hard work and good luck- and has had a brilliant time. My DSIL loves my DD, but just lets the most appalling, judgey criticisms leak out every time they’re together. When my DH raised it with my DSIL, she apologised to my DD and said that she just struggled because her early 20s had been such a struggle. Yet the next time they were together it was just the same, snidey and unnecessary remarks from my DSIL.

My DD now refuses to see her when she’s home. Can’t say we blame her.

Not saying that you would be this extreme, but I do think that your resentment and jealousy will come across in some way if you keep on like this- body language, tone of voice, or little criticisms.

Please don’t make this mistake

I agree with pigeon it's fairly impossible not to feel a bit jealous when you compare yourself to a beautiful 19 year-old!

Genuinely I never feel like this, in fact the opposite, I'd assume they envy me if anything. It's really tough for today's kids. My Daughter is twenty I can't image envying any of them and they are all gorgeous, smart funny women.

Anyways, agree, I can't imagine my daughter sending my husbands brother, her uncle, a pic of her going out. It's weird. You might send it to your mum if it's a special night out, but that's about it. I know of no 19year old who would do this. They are usually far too self absorbed and sending their mates their selfies.

YABU. Enjoy your life now. Don't dwell on the past!

BeHappy there's always one of you isn't there?

Corblimey, yes I would never want to ruin our relationship. I am proud of who she is and what she's achieving. Maybe it's because i'm an only child myself? I often think that I don't understand what the brother/sister relationship is like because I've never had it.

Thank you to the rest of you who have been helpful. To those who seem to want to make an issue of the photo thing, all families are different. I think she looks up to DH a bit and he has never been inappropriate.

Totally understandable to feel a bit envious, OP, especially for us late bloomers. Good on you though for having the self awareness to recognise it and nip it in the bud to stop it potentially turning into something ugly.

You're extremely brave or crazy for admitting it on MN though...nest of vipers and all that!

Comparison is the thief of joy.

You know this is true OP. These sort of thoughts are negative and lead nowhere. You seem to be in a positive place yourself with a relationship and a baby and friends - focus on that.

Don't connect how your niece is now with how you where at that age. The past is over and gone. Think about now and live in now.

Being wistful and wishing and comparing is getting you nowhere. You know that.

Banish those draining thoughts OP. Take pride in your niece and then quickly move on. Look
Around and take pride in yourself and how far you've come since you were a lonely 20 year old.

Yes, Spiney, that's the phrase I was trying and failed to think of yesterday. "Comparison is the thief of joy". That is SO true.

OP I would give anything for a very happy marriage...