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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Refuse This

28 replies

SunsetInParadise · 18/02/2018 18:25

NC'd for this as it's outing... It's long, bare with me..

FIL is remarried and DP and his two DBs have 3 step siblings. We're all in our twenties and are close, we do things together and one of DP's step brothers is also his best friend. We also have DD who is a toddler.

Yesterday FIL's wife found out he has been having an affair. FIL has now left his wife to be with this new woman. Everyone is obviously devestated. The family has been torn apart. One thing that became apparent yesterday was how all of step family don't want to lose us as family and can they still be uncles/auntys to DD. Which is what we want too.

Now the AIBU. FIL is coming here tonight to drop off DP's brother. He's asked us if he can bring his new partner...

I thibk DP wouldn't mind as he'd do anything not to upset his father but I've refused. I'm a bit Shock and think it's way too soon and raw for that. First of all I don't want to see FIL because I'm angry for what he's done and secondly I think it would hurt the people who are already hurting if they found out we've already met and accepted the new woman in FIL life.

AIBU to say no, it's way too soon bearing in mind he only left his wife yesterday?

OP posts:
DeathStare · 18/02/2018 18:27

Yesterday???? Gosh. No it's definitely unreasonable to say that it's too soon.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 18/02/2018 18:28

YANBU. It would potentially upset the other members of the family so I would not be ok with this. (Yesterday FFS Shock)

Pecano · 18/02/2018 18:28

I think it’s fair enough if it makes you feel uncomfortable - just say you think is a bit soon and you’d like some time to process it before you meet his new partner.

One day after leaving his wife is extremely quick to introduce everyone to his new partner!

BigBairyHollocks · 18/02/2018 18:28

No bloody way-maybe way way down the line but not after one day!!

Allthewaves · 18/02/2018 18:29

Everyone found put yesterday he was having an affair and now he wants to introduce her to everybody. Quite frankly I'd tell him to sling his hook

notsohippychick · 18/02/2018 18:29

You’ve done the right thing. It’s so soon!! It’s your house and you can decide.

MrsHathaway · 18/02/2018 18:29

That's revolting. Shows how long ago he checked out of his marriage; shame he didn't let his wife know at the time Hmm

I wouldn't say never but certainly not today/this week/month.

But he might use it as part of a "my family never understood me" narrative so expect pushback.

Toast3 · 18/02/2018 18:29

Waaay too soon. He has obviously transferred his emotions and had time to get his head around it where’s as it’s new information and a big shock to you which, will of course, take time to process... he Is being very insensitive and unreasonable

altiara · 18/02/2018 18:30

YANBU!

Guavaf1sh · 18/02/2018 18:30

It is much too soon and I imagine the atmosphere is crazy but I would just let her come. Refusing would potentially cause a massive bust up and allowing her to come does not in any way condone what has taken place.

Ikanon · 18/02/2018 18:30

FIL left DH's DM 18 months ago and we've still not met the OW and I have no intention of doing so but DH is more laid back

YANBU. Yesterday?? FFS. Rubbing his soon to be ex wife's face in it!!

ohfourfoxache · 18/02/2018 18:31

No fucking chance

Perhaps a long, long, long way down the line but definitely definitely not now

Snowydaysarehere · 18/02/2018 18:32

So fil means fuckwit in law? Your dh needs to find the balls to tell him no way.

Decemberqueen · 18/02/2018 18:34

No Fucking Way. My friend's exh introduced their DS (10) to the OW 2 weeks after he'd left my friend. Shocking behaviour.

Original poster
SunsetInParadise · 18/02/2018 18:37

I'm glad it's not just me! Honestly, I'm bloody disgusted. I will be upstairs when FIL arrives.

OP posts:
Frombothsidesnow · 18/02/2018 18:37

Absolutely far too soon. His poor wife and family. I also feel very sorry for your DH that he feels too insecure in his relationship with his father to tell him how angry he is. I think your FiL needs to be made to understand what an overwhelmingly upsetting thing he has done.

BuckysRoboticArm · 18/02/2018 18:37

How could anyone be so heartless? The next day for goodness sake!

Trialsmum · 18/02/2018 18:40

YWBU TO agree to letting the OW come round. It’s would send a clear message to the step family that you support fil/ow over them.

GrooovyLass · 18/02/2018 18:46

Jesus! You may end up having to accept her into your home one day but the next day? Smh as the young people say!

ohfourfoxache · 18/02/2018 18:46

Sorry but neither of them would be setting foot through the door

Gide · 18/02/2018 18:52

Neither would be welcome and your dh is stupid if he allows it.

LemonSqueezy0 · 18/02/2018 18:54

Wow, he's a cheeky one isn't he. Probably trying to hothouse it, so things can "settle down" thinking it'll be like before, with everyone getting along famously. What a prick. Hmm

Original poster
SunsetInParadise · 18/02/2018 19:01

DH has told FIL that the new woman isn't to come over. Let's hope he doesn't have the cheek to bring her anyway.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 18/02/2018 19:05

You've definitely done the right thing. I have a colleague whose father ambushed her with the OW, having caused an incredible amount of hurt to her, her sibling and their mother. She hasn't forgiven him and the relationship has likely been damaged irreparably.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 18/02/2018 19:06

Sorry I’m going to echo, FFS Yesterday?
Anyway, if you think it’s too soon, it’s too soon, FIL will just have to live with that. I’m a firm believer that your family are the people you chose to be your family. My ‘Step’ mum has been of a mother to me than my own mother ever was, and (no with my mother for 30 years) she is the only GM my children have ever known. She adores them and they her. I’m very close to my step brother and his family, more so than I am to my own DB and DS (due to circumstances that none of us siblings were in control of). My Step GPs were as much my DGPs as my biological DGPs and I was as upset at their passing, if not more because d been in my life longer, than my own DGPs. Basically, if your step family are important to you, and it sounds like they are, do what you think is right.