To be pissed off with DH’s laziness

[itsnotterrysitsmine]

Ok so DH & I have been together 15 years & have 3 young DC together (6, 4 & baby under 6 months who is ebf). I’m currently on maternity leave but will be returning to work full time. DH works a strange shift that means he starts work mid afternoon & finishes work at 1.30 am, his job is 5 minutes from home, Monday to Friday. We have absolutely no help at all as we have no support network.

I do all cooking, washing, cleaning, help kids with homework, majority of food shopping, school pick up on foot, school drop off when able, I do bedtime single handedly most nights including weekends, get up with older DC every morning & make sure they’ve had breakfast, school bag as ready, empty & reload dishwasher, express milk if I have time. DH will take DC to school if needed or wake up to look after baby dc while I take them,

He rarely does any household job without me asking him to apart from get the DC dressed if we’re going somewhere, but then thinks that’s all that’s involved in getting ready to go out & will put them straight in the car while I run round like a twat making sure we’ve got coats, wallets, changing bag etc & then have a go st me for not being ready. The overwhelming majority falls to me, all the time. He will always take the easy option like ‘I’ll look after DC so you can crack on with things’ which actually means I’ll take them to a play centre where they can entertain themselves & I can enjoy a coffee while looking at shit on the internet.

Today we were all supposed to be going to a friends house that is an hour away. DH had a very early night last night as was tired from Friday (didn’t get much sleep as baby had hospital appointment) so had over 12 hours sleep. I had sorted all 3 dc at bedtime, tidied downstairs etc This morning had to wake DH at 7.30 as older DC have an activity they go to that starts early, I was feeding youngest DC & they needed breakfast. He went down, brought us a drink up & sat in bed, asked if I would take DC to activity so he could have time with baby. Had agreed last night that I’d have shower & get ready while they he took them & they were out but fine. Get back to find baby in cot & DH sitting in bed with a coffee watching the news Baby needs feeding again so ask DH to get me something to eat, he asks what I’d like, I say toast, he says he can’t be arsed with that. I point out that most nights I can’t be arsed to cook dinner but do, he begrudgingly makes it. I go & collect DC from activity, DH still not dressed. I empty the dishwasher, tidy up, put a load of washing in while DH plays with baby & talks to his mum. I say I’ll forgo my shower as times getting on & don’t want to get back late as want to get DC in bed at a reasonable time, have jobs to do & once they’re settled there is something I’d like to do for myself that I’ve been putting off for a couple of weeks due to prioritising everyone & everything else.

DH then disappears to the toilet for a leisurely 10 - 15 minutes. Fine, I get on with scrubbing stains out of DC’s clothes ready for next load of washing. Baby needs feeding again, I sit to feed baby, DH has a lie down & read of the news on his phone. I ask DH if he’s going to get ready, he says in a minute, 10 minutes later I start to ask him to get ready again & get my head ripped off with ‘I know, stop going on at me woman, you don’t know when to stop’. I said ‘fine, you can go on your own’ I was so pissed off with him as I knew he’d get dressed when he decided in 5 minutes & expect everything else to be magically ready. Baby finished feeding so I went & got on with more jobs while he stay put for another 15 minutes. He got up, asked older DC if they were ready, looked at me & said ‘not you’.

We ended up having an argument with him accusing me of going on at him, whining at him, listing everything I do (as I tried to point out everything I actually do & make the point that it would be nice for him to get off his arse once in a while), told me he’s sick of this, he just needed half an hour to come round etc (he’d had 3 fucking hours by this point) I only wanted to go so we could get back early so I could do my thing, dc haven’t got school tomorrow so it doesn’t matter.

I’m by no means perfect or innocent, but I’m so pissed of with his laziness, it’s actually starting to feel really bloody selfish of him. We’ve both said things we shouldn’t have.

He works crap hours, doesn’t always get enough sleep, is a loving father (& husband most of the time) but his laziness is really pissing me off. AIBU?

God that was long sorry

YANBU. He is enjoying the luxury of a partner who gets on and does everything so he doesn't have to.

You sound very organised OP. This isn't at all to suggest that this is your fault but when you seem to have everything in hand it is easy for the other person to be lazy. You also prioritize everyone else so when time runs out it is your needs which are not met which of course doesn't affect him. I have a tendency to be the same and have to remind myself that there are two of us.

You need to have a conversation with him and agree some new ground rules.

Sounds like you have 4 children not 3; your husband needs to get his shit together and do more but you've probably been putting up with all this for years so any attempt to change the situation will be met with resistance. He's a lazy manchild.

I think you need to explain that you need his support in getting the DC ready and also share some of the housework so it's not all down to you. Sometimes you have to spell it out, e.g. Can you do the washing up whilst I put the kids to bed? Can you sort the dishwasher whilst I'm on the school run?

Did he actually want 3 children and surely he hasn't been like this overnight.

What was he like before you had the baby and was working? Was it similar or were things better?

ShawshanksRedemption

Why do women always have to spell it out? Is there something amiss with men's basic intelligence that they need things to be pointed out?

Op, tell him to buck his bloody ideas up or you're off! One day a week you get a full day to yourself and he does everything.

@Lettucepray Because OP's DH needs to be told if he's not seeing what needs to be done. Now it could be wilful laziness in or it could be that OP's DH is so wrapped up in himself and work that he thinks his very capable wife has got it all under control.

Sometimes verbal communication is needed rather than expecting people to empathically know.

He’s being very lazy & that’s not fair when you have kids.

I’d HATE to work his hours though and if I had a partner that was as organised and ‘onto’ it as you, I can’t say I would be the perfect partner either. However, when it gets to the point of ‘toast’ being ‘too much effort’ you know you’ve got a lazy fucker who needs a serious kick up the arse!

You need to explain to him that your are DONE with being the one that does everything and that he needs to step up or else he’ll find himself with 50/50 shared care and that’ll be a SHITLOAD harder than pulling his weight at home. Make sure he believes you are serious.

He’s got worse over the years, or it just feels worse as there’s more to do. I’m certainly no push over but I feel like I’m hitting my head against brick wall. He will openly admit he’s lazy so at least he knows he is.

If I ask (more often than not repeatedly) for him to do something I’m nagging / whinging / going on. If I don’t ask then how would he know I wanted or needed him to do something —as he’s got selective fucking sight—

I’m sick of feeling like the bad guy or like some whingey, moaning old bag. I get that he’s tired from work, often has shit broken sleep because of the kids, in that sense neither of us have it easy. It does feel like I’ve got 4 DC, it’s a standing joke, except the jokes not funny & it’s wearing thin.

Sounds exactly like my ex. Getting rid was the best thing I ever did!

Have you read "Wifework" by Susan Maushart?

You're doing all the work and it's not fair. Also your children will grow up thinking this is normal.

What would happen if you just stopped? Hand over everything you do for him over to him to sort out?

It’s petty but it might free a part of his brain up that actually thinks for itself on whether he has clean knickers and socks or not. Whether he’s going to get fed or not or is going to climb into bed with all his dirty clothes or not because he’s left them on the floor.

Stop being so super organised and just see to the kids and see what happens when stuff doesn’t get done.

I can see the issue here op , as on the weeks my dh works the late shift (rotating shifts) I do all of the afternoon/evening stuff at home. This means that when he's doing an early shift I just automatically crack on with it all without saying a word, dh does tell me to sit down though and he takes half of the work from me or does all of the housework while I focus on the baby.

What we both realised early on though is that his shift pattern doesn't work for either of us right now. He misses the kids and end up a mess by the end of a week of his late shifts. He's looking for a new job so that he can be around in the evenings. Is this an option for your dh?

I love that you all think I’m organised, I’m really not! More often than not I’m feel like I’m constantly playing catch up, like I’m drowning in stuff that needs doing, I look a mess & don’t have enough time to do things with the kids that isn’t school work

The nature of his profession means that he has to do shifts. He is looking for another job in the near future but this will likely be night shifts as that’s where the money & demand is (he was doing nights before dc3 & we barely saw him at all).

Oh my goodness, he sounds so, so lazy.

YANBU

At the very least, you need to have one full day at the weekend where you get a substantial amount of time off.

IME men aren’t as tuned in to what needs done around the house but when they know what needs doing, a decent and non lazy man will get on with it.

was he like this all the times you were on maternity leave? or just this last baby? It could be that he has a 'she's not working' mentality so just thinks you'll do everything when on mat leave. (He's a lazy arse though, at home, no mistaking that).

What is he like when you're working full time?

Does he expect you to do everything you do, or do you just do it?

How are the finances organised, how do your own earnings stack up?

I'm not even going to bother, after many years of reading threads like these, to offer tips for you making another adult of perfectly normal intelligence magically 'see' how unfairly your 'team' is organised.

He sees it, he knows, but he's a misogynist and he doesn't really care. Inside is someone who because he is male thinks that this isn't really his problem. The wife should really be doing all this stuff. And look, mostly - she does! Yep a part of him can see the unfairness when it's pointed out - but who wants to be made to see that they're a lazy prick? His best offer is to sometimes not be quite such a lazy prick. Can't you just be happy with that? 'Keeping on' - ie not just being happy with the odd crumb but actually, genuinely wanting to not be the person taken advantage of, all the time - is not what he wants.

‘I know, stop going on at me woman, you don’t know when to stop’.

Really? If yes, then what else is there to say? One thing - no, don't fucking stop. Don't fucking stop until you have a fair division of labour, because anything else is not a marriage and not a team.

I have a feeling that your 3rd baby has tipped the balance and no, you won't be stopping - but you won't get what you want, and I think you're probably at the beginning of the end.

Can't be bothered with the faff of toast?

Ibet he's a chef, too.

Forget being lazy he is not kind, supportive, loving or respectful to and of you.

He definitely did more when I was at work but even then it wasn’t loads. He thinks he does loads by taking the bins out & dropping the dc at school

He’s had periods where he has had to do stuff as I’ve not been here to do it & it either hasn’t got done, he’s got someone else to do it or he’s done some of it - he can always find the easy way out e.g a takeaway instead of cooking, washing done but not folded & put away

I do wonder if there’s an element of ‘oh well she’s on maternity’ at play too. I’ve told him in no uncertain terms when I go back to work we’re having a cleaner as there’s no way I can do it all.

He’s not a bad person or husband, he’s just unbelievably lazy.

I think it can be really easy to be lazy when one partner is just the type to get on and do things. My mother and sister are very like this and it becomes so easy to sit and let them get on around you! Also you need to ask yourself if you are critical when your husband does do jobs. I say this because my husband does the majority of cooking, washing and ironing. I can't tell you the the number of times I have tried to contribute and he comes along to 'help' by criticising how I've placed the pan on the hob or how I've put the hung the washing on the airer!! It's so annoying and its now at the point that I only bother if he isn't in!! Likewise I tend to do all the cleaning as he is totally useless at it and hates me criticising him but I can't seem to help it! Maybe take a step back and put a list of jobs on the fridge and say nothing more. See what happens when life stops running so smoothly for him x

He's not just lazy. He's selfish and entitled. These are things that HAVE to be done. These are HIS children. This is HIS marriage and home. But he's happy to dump it all on you.

Think about it. You are his wife. These are his children. He's supposed to be doing his best for all you, family. And yet he isn't.

He's happy to dump everything on you.