To not know how to deal with homophobic sister?

[ProblematicWonder]

Name changed as this could be outing if coupled with previous posts!

I am really struggling with my sister’s homophobia. She is older than me and is a single mum to an 11 year old, my DNephew. DN spends a lot of time around women and picks up a lot of our mannerisms which could be considered a bit camp for want if a better term. He is often singing and dancing around the house, prancing around as kids do. Whenever this happens, DSis glares and tells him off. He isn’t being disruptive but she simply won’t have it. Any slightly feminine thing he does is ‘wrong’.

Our DBrother is gay and has been with his boyfriend for 4 years. When he came out, she was less than impressed and their contact cut to a minimum. She constantly makes digs and sly comments about his sexuality and has often said she doesn’t agree with it all.

I am starting to find it increasing difficult to deal with, especially as DN asks questions about DB’s sexuality and DSis brushes them off. If I try to explain anything or elevorate further (today, DN asked about gay marriage), I get shut down immediately, ‘I think we should stop talking about this now don’t you?’, was the response I got when I declared that ‘boys can marry boys and girls can marry girls if they want to’.

It’s almost as though she doesn’t want anything other than being straight to be normalised.

I have tried to speak to her about it before and she has said that she isn’t homophobic. I think her behaviours say otherwise.

How would you deal with this?

God I have no idea, but it would really bother me too.

Carry on being normal.

Think you're going to have to step up and tell her she's homophobic,you love your brother regardless and you won't be silenced if the issue crops up.

Let her get on with it. You cant make her think what you want her to think just because you think differently to her. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, however right/wrong other people believe them to be.

And it's her son, she can bring him up with whatever values she sees fit, again however right or wrong anyone else perceive them to be.

All you can do is counter what she says/Give your nephew another viewpoint.

Basically always challenge her when she says a bigoted comment. Not in a dramatic argument way, that's probably the attention she wants. But a calm refutation so she knows her comments don't go unnoticed and won't go unchallenged. especially when your nephew is around. He needs to see an adult who doesn't normalise those views!

So, she says 'stop prancing around like that, it makes you look gay' to nephew. You comment lightly with a smile 'oh I think you look fab! Nothing wrong with a good prance' or whatever is appropriate in the moment.

Do you get chance to spend time with him alone? Wary of encouraging you to undermine her parenting but seriously it would be the kindest thing for him to see you at least modelling kind non homophobic attitudes even if not aimed at him in a sit down chat.

If she says 'I think we should stop talking about that don't you?' respond with a genuine quizzical 'oh, why? Are you okay?' in a way that means she has to say out loud why she has a problem with it. Don't pussyfoot around her as if it's normal to avoid discussing something like being gay! It isn't. Let her own that.

Whenever she says disparaging remarks about your brother I think you ought to take it further. 'I'm not going to sit and listen to you disrespect our brother for his normal natural sexuality', if she stops then great. If she carries on you leave. It's not about changing her mind, you can't do that and it's up to her what she believes even if it's bigoted. But you can stick up for the victim of her bigotry and be a safe role model for your nephew and show her that it is not okay to say those things.

Reminds me of the peep show episode where mark's new friend Darrel is saying awful racist things like it's the most casual thing in the world because to him it is, and Mark is like 'no Darrel, you can't say that sort of thing anymore' and he's like 'oh yeah bloody PC eh!' And Mark responds with 'what? It's nothing to do with being PC :/'

Massively paraphrasing and probably only makes sense to other peep show fans but I reckon at least someone will get what I'm talking about!

Ask her why she always changes the subject when DB or anyone's sexuality is mentioned, and say you get people can be uncomfortable thinking about homosexuality, but you wouldn't want DN to feel there was anything wrong with it, especially as who knows, he might be gay or bi, so many teens are now.

I predict foaming at the mouth and ranting that DN is not gay, before hopefully seeing the point and trying to be more reasonable, so best mention it when he's not around.

Be calm and factual with your nephew and show your brother unconditional support. You'll not persuade her if her homophobia is that entrenched but you can demonstrate love and tolerance in the hope a little bit rubs off.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=PiLVAz-Jczg

m.youtube.com/watch?v=qapVb1aHR0w

Okay it's re racism not homophobia but I am just picturing it going down like these guys for you OP!

I have found, when someone doesn't agree with anything against the 'norm', it is almost impossible for them to ever see their behaviour as 'wrong' unless they are faced with a family member coming out. However your sister has already dealt with this... Or not in this case.

Some don't want their children to be gay as it is still a more difficult lifestyle to lead. Yes we (as a nation) are more accepting in general, but a gay person can and are attacked for no reason at all. No one wishes that on their family members and loved ones so they try and 'guide them' to 'normality'. Others are just dicks who are homophobic and can't event admit it.

I would tell your sister that it is none of her business who your brother's shares a bed with. You will not deny your brother the opportunity to be himself around his family. I would also ensure that your nephew always knows he can talk to you. Say he did end up being gay, he will need someone to talk with, clearly it won't be her.
I would also ask her what exactly she doesn't agree with? No one cares about her opinion and unless someone is trying to force her into a gay relationship/encounter, it literally has nothing to do with her.

Whenever she makes a homophobic comment, try challenging her directly by saying "Sorry, I don't understand and neither do your DC, can you explain it to us?" with a hard stare.

Carry on. Your voice might not be heard as often by your DN but it will go in. As he gets older he will realise his mother's attitude is a different stance to his family, the legal set up and a lot of people he'll know.
She sounds awful. I take it she has no other reason to be so vile about her brother?

Thanks everyone. I do try to challenge her but it falls on deaf ears; the general consensus here is to carry on, I think!

Lemon I completely agree and think that’s exactly what would happen!

Oooeeeerrrrr No other reason that I’m aware of, he’s quite an inoffensive person!

I doubt you will be able to change your sister views, but you can discretely say to your dn if he ever wants to talk to let you know.

I think you need to allow your sister to raise her child as she sees fit. If she doesn’t want to discuss sexual matters with her 12 year old you need to respect that.

you can let your DN know your views, but your sister is entitled to her own. Lots of people ARE anti-gay marriage and not much you can do about it.

5plus appreciate what you have said. Some people are anti-gay marriage and a huge number of people who are against it, are against it for religious reasons. That’s not the case here, it’s just an extension of being anti-gay.