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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she ibu about this?

17 replies

sharkirasharkira · 17/02/2018 11:56

I have no say either way so I know that really my opinion does not count for much but I'm just curious to know how others would feel about this.

Dp's ex and mother of his son has recently married her partner and father of her second child. In the months before this she was being quite forceful about getting DSS to call her STBDH 'daddy'. Dp wasn't very happy about this but conceded that if DSS wanted to then he could. DSS is 9 so is able to decide for himself.

Now she is asking dp's permission to change DSS' surname - her, her DH and her younger child all have the same surname and DSS' is double barrelled. Dp is on the birth certificate and has parental responsibility although they were never married. He has contact every week and pays over the minimum maintainance payment without fail every month so is very much an involved father. To my knowledge this is not something that DSS has expressed an interest in or cares about at all so is something that SHE wants rather than DSS.

Aibu to think she is BU and to feel like she is attempting to cut Dp out of their lives? She has also been sending Dp videos of DSS doing activities and can be heard in the background saying things like 'say Hi to [new DH's name]' and 'I'm recording a video for [new DH's name]' - no mention of Dp at all. Aibu to feel like this is a bit mean?

OP posts:
ScootieAllan · 17/02/2018 12:04

No this happened to me age 7, although I didn't have a father on the scene to oppose it. I felt almost as though it was a mark of possession and wish i had opposed it at the time - but was under pressure to be a proper member of the family. DSS name belongs to him now and not either of his parents so if he wants to change it he should have the choice at an older age.

falsepriest · 17/02/2018 12:06

I think I've mumsnet acronym'd out. ~re-reads~

pollythedolly · 17/02/2018 12:06

She's being a twat. Your DP should not allow the name change. He's been there all the way through and now wants to write him out for the benefit of "her" new family.

She has a blended family whether she likes it or not.

falsepriest · 17/02/2018 12:07

I think I'm with ScootieAllan on this one.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 17/02/2018 12:10

Funny the advice is not to allow the name change this way round but when it's a mum posting about changing a child's name to her husband's you are all in favour Grin

pollythedolly · 17/02/2018 12:13

I wouldn't what, not when the child's father is very much being a parent. The only person who should change his name in this instance is the child, if he ever chooses to for his own reasons.

NewYearNewMe18 · 17/02/2018 12:13

Every child deserves to know his/her father; (and it wont make me popular) every child deserves to carry his/her fathers name (an entirely different well trodden discussion) .

There is nothing to stop the child using SDs name locally if it makes life easier as in 'The Smith Family', Rather than Mrs Mrs , Little Smith and A Brown'.

O/T referring back to other threads .... Mr, Mrs Smith, Small Smith and Larger Brown - what happens at the airport where you have children with different names to their parents? All I ever read is that security thinks you're a child abductor and you cant go without 2 x parental consent.

Original poster
sharkirasharkira · 17/02/2018 12:17

Sorry falsepriest, its just so much quicker than typing it all out in long-hand Grin

I agree Polly. It feels very much like she is desperately trying to cut Dp out of the picture so she can have a lovely new life with her new perfect family and 2.4 kids. She is also very keen to receive the CMA money from Dp but conveniently ignores him the rest of the time.

Dp knows that if DSS gets to 18 and decides that he wants to change his name he can, but then that is his choice and one that he can make himself when the time comes.

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Birdsgottafly · 17/02/2018 12:19

Well she's had one failed relationship to her child's Father, what's to say that she won't have another one?

I've known Women to do this and it just leaves the children feeling dispossessed and not really fitting into either Family.

This needs to be something that the children want, not the Parent or Stepparent.

Birdsgottafly · 17/02/2018 12:23

Your doing yourself no favours by constantly bring up the Child Maintenance that he pays, though.

GrannyGrissle · 17/02/2018 12:26

Newyearnewme Every child? So my DD whom i'm lucky i didn't lose when her father attacked me while PG, has turned half his family against DD, lied to Child Maintenance Buffoons about how much earns so contribites a pittance, didn't bother getting her and BDay or Xmas presents yet treats his DS like a prince and to top it all got physical with DD in anger, stormed off and is nolonger welcome in our lives DESERVES to have her father's name? What has she done at 4 years old which is so bad she 'deserves' his name? She has had a chance to get to know him against all advice. He has fucked that up. She may well deserve to know her father she now knows he is a nasty violent cunt and is scared of him Unfkrtunately he deserves a bullet to his head and nothing more. YANBU OP. DP's ex wife is either embarassed she has a differently surnamed child or is trying to wind your DP up and hurt him. Either way she's being a complete bum hole and should leave the lad alone.

Original poster
sharkirasharkira · 17/02/2018 12:27

The thing is, DSS' name is double barrelled, and the rest of the family have one of the names so it isn't like he is completely different eg: He is Smith-Jones, everyone else is Smith.

I also feel like she will push her agenda on to DSS and then try to frame it as something he desperately wants so she can get her own way (she has done this is the past), which is why Dp wants DSS to wait until he's 18 to make that decision with an informed, adult mind rather than an impressionable child mind if you see what I mean.

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LifeBeginsAtGin · 17/02/2018 12:28

I know someone who did this.

Her child had his fathers surname. She then remarried and the child took on step-fathers surname. That relationship ended, friend remarried. Child kept his step fathers surname, but new siblings had new step fathers name. Total mess and embarrassing.

Chugalug · 17/02/2018 12:38

This happened to me also as a child..wasn't a good move in my humble opinion..certainly wasn't a good move for me..I've got step siblings in nc with ,yet was forced to take their name..let things stay the same would be my advice.i certainly wish my name had been left well alone

Oldraver · 17/02/2018 12:42

If I were your DP I would stick to my guns and say it wa sup to DS to change if he wanted when he was 18..

Original poster
sharkirasharkira · 17/02/2018 12:44

The maintenance is irrelevant as that would be paid regardless. I only mention it because it really does seem like she is doing all she can to cut him out of their lives but with that one exception.

I don't begrudge DSS a penny, and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't pay for their child but I just feel like she can't have it both ways. She can't pretend he doesn't exist.

Fwiw I am on the other side of this with my exH. He sees the DC's once a year, has never paid a penny in maintenance and gets his girlfriend to stick some money in a card for christmas and birthdays. He is not a father to them and I would love to change their name to my maiden name but I have to recognise the fact that he is their father and they still love him even if I don't.

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Original poster
sharkirasharkira · 17/02/2018 12:47

Glad I'm not being U thinking that Dp should stick to his guns and not allow it Smile

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