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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to want to do these things myself

21 replies

pinklemonade84 · 17/02/2018 11:49

Last year for dd’s first birthday mil informed me that she had ordered a cake from her friend. She didn’t ask me, just went ahead and did it. It really upset me at the time as I was dealing with the loss of my mum and had wanted to make the cake myself. Turns out this cake wasn’t very nice and the only one who enjoyed it was mil

Anyway, dd’s birthday is coming up in April and I’m quite excited to make the cake myself. I’m just doing a simple vanilla sponge layer cake with very simple decoration to make it nice and easy on myself. I’ve made it clear that I’m making the cake and all I’ve had since is lots of sulking.

We’ve also got a wedding coming up in May and I have been on the hunt for a pretty dress for dd. Dh mentioned when we were round at theirs last night that I had taken dd to monsoon to size her up, and showed mil the pictures that I had taken and sent to him and she seemed to immediately go in sulk saying that they had seen some pretty dresses when they were out shopping (bearing in mind our choice of style for dd is totally different and they choose what they think is pretty with no thought to dd’s comfort rather than comfort and then how pretty it is second).

Now aibu to think that these are things that I should be allowed to do myself without her taking over? Or am I being selfish in wanting to do so?

OP posts:

user1474128210 · 17/02/2018 11:55

Yanbu

Tink2007 · 17/02/2018 11:56

YANBU.

I would thank her for her input and let her know you would like to do these things for your DD as you are her mum.

twoplytwoply · 17/02/2018 11:58

No yanbu. MIL should ask, not assume. It sounds nice the first time because you were going through a hard time, but then the sulking this time young makes me question her motives the first time. My mum would do exactly the same though, and call me ungrateful to boot! You have to assert yourself.

alotalotalot · 17/02/2018 11:59

Set strong boundaries now or it will only get worse as she gets older.

NomsQualityStreets · 17/02/2018 12:02

YANBU.

Ignore the sulks and act oblivious if you have to.

falsepriest · 17/02/2018 12:03

Your kid, your rules.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 17/02/2018 12:05

I don't know how people have the energy to get worked up about stuff like this. A free cake, great, saves you a job. Make a cake anytime. The bday is in April and you are planning the cake now??? She's seen pretty dresses? Great have a look at them and still buy the one you like.

TheSnowFairy · 17/02/2018 12:05

Can't you work with her on these? She obviously wants to be involved - can she find your DD some jewellery / shoes / bolero jacket / cardi instead?

Don't forget, if your MIL only had sons she might be over the moon at being able to shop for a girl.

for the loss of your mum.

DeathStare · 17/02/2018 12:06

Ignore. And don't engage.

If she turns up with a birthday cake for your DD or says she's going to make one just say "Oh I've made one specially. we can have yours afterwards"

If she buys your DD an unsuitable dress just say "thank you very much. We've already bought one. She can wear this another time" and stick it in the wardrobe.

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 17/02/2018 12:08

Whatshallidonowpeople to be fair it isn’t really that far away. I want to give myself enough time to do a small practice run (not with the decorations or amount of layers). And it was a free cake that nobody liked apart from mil

OP posts:

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 17/02/2018 12:10

TheSnowFairy I like that idea as she is generally good about shoes, so I could always ask her to look for some nice shoes to help her to feel a bit more involved

OP posts:

Hotdoggity · 17/02/2018 12:10

Bloody MILs. Mine’s the same. She responded to our plans for small wedding by asking if she could put on a ‘second reception’.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 17/02/2018 12:12

Yanbu. Making a birthday cake and shopping for clothes are part of the enjoyment of having a child. GPs shouldn't try to take over. I can't abide sulkers and would deliberately do the opposite of what they wanted for that alone.

UpstartCrow · 17/02/2018 12:20

Yanbu. There's a difference between wanting to be involved and wanting to take over, you don't have to be grateful when people are being selfish.

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 17/02/2018 12:22

I just want to make it clear that I don’t want to deliberately shut her out of these things like she seems to want to do to me. But, we have such different ideas that it’s very hard to compromise and let her have involvement without her trying to take over

OP posts:

Motoko · 17/02/2018 12:31

Ask her to get the shoes then, it sounds like a good compromise and should allow her to feel involved.

TheRebel · 17/02/2018 12:31

My mil is the same, her taste is all pastel colours and lace where as I prefer more modern designs. Also she can’t cook, she knows she’s a terrible cook and happily admits it yet insists on doing the food and cakes for birthday parties and family get togethers, I find it really frustrating but I just take any gifts of clothes with a smile, take one photo of dd in them and put them straight in the charity bags and for cakes I just distract her with a different job like making sausage rolls and make a big fuss of how much I love her sausage rolls (I don’t, they make me want to throw up!) so I can make the cake I want!

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 17/02/2018 13:05

TheRebel mil just seems to want to stick dd in a dress that she can’t move in, but as long as mil thinks it looks pretty that’s all that matters. Whereas I just want her in something that she can move about freely in and then I’ll look for something that she looks nice in. Dd has never liked dresses, she is much happier in leggings and t shirts and I often get comments that she doesn’t wear clothes that are girly enough

OP posts:

Angrybird345 · 17/02/2018 13:08

No, yanbu. Set boundaries now!!

Gibble1 · 17/02/2018 13:39

My MiL is the same. She bought DD and DN their first bikes. When they were 2. And both families lived in upstairs flats. And I had a week old baby.
Icing on the cake was when we went to the restaurant for DH’s 40th Birthday meal. I had to go and pick her up and as she got in the car, I got DD to hold onto his cake.
Halfway through the journey she pipes up “I’m going to have to say something. I already bought a cake and took it in this afternoon. I hope that’s ok?” Ffs. So my cake got left in the car. What a waste of money.

Original poster

pinklemonade84 · 17/02/2018 14:00

Thankfully this year she won’t be able to pull that on me. They’re kindly letting us have their caravan for a couple of nights and will join us the evening of dd’s birthday for the weekend, so my cake will already be up there

OP posts:

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