To feel like this isn't healthy?

[Mindhunter]

My ex was emotionally and sexually abusive to me. He was very selfish and hated me spending any time with our children.

We split up last year which he hasn't really accepted. He lives with his mum and what's worrying me is the things they say to the children. He's always saying in front of them how they don't care about him or make an effort to call him ect (They are 7 and 9) which I don't think is right. 9yo is shy and they are always telling him stuff like "you don't like crowds do you" or "oh you can't stand up in front of the school in assembly as your too shy" instead of encouraging him. There is a massive amount of favortism for one over the other which has caused the one treated better to pick on the other.

My ex also does stuff like call oldest ask if they want to go somewhere nice and then say but only if mum comes. Then I get the brunt of their anger when I "ruin it for them".

I just need an outside view as I don't feel this is healthy for them but don't want to make a massive scene if it's just me being over protective. When I confront him about it he says I've taken it wrong or he's just trying to do something nice for me as he knows I'm not well off.

Stupid app there was paragraphs when I wrote this.

The good news is that he is your ex.

The bad news is that he is well out of order and a knob. Not sure how to put a atop to it but something needs to be said.

That's the thing it's like talking to yourself as his defence is deny deny deny even if he's just said something he will deny it.

9yo has gone backwards lately with his confidence and he's stopped sleeping at night. Also their behaviour gets better over the two weeks they are with me then 2days just wrecks it all again. It's just a never ending cycle.

It's just so hard as I feel they are being damaged by them. Guess I should count myself lucky it's only ever other weekend.

Any advice? Anyone?

Contact the NSPCC or SS and explain your concerns, ask if he can be sent on a parenting class. You need an outside agency to be involved, you cant fix this yourself.

Have you got full custody? Sounds like you need some external advice with this. Your ex is using your children as a weapon to continue the abuse. Seek legal support to help protect yourself and your children.

You could start by recording all the phone calls and keeping a record of all conversations
try and communicate via email or text rather than face to face

Perhaps you can gradually freeze him out of your life also look up the grey rock technique to help you to not engage with him

Accept that he has a poisonous influence and try and limit the damage that he can do but don't engage with him or fight him head on because that just feeds him

Could you do some sort of mediation with the two of you - some way to agree a way forward and a neutral party to help him see how unhealthy his approach is?

First of all OP, what a rotten, rotten situation.

I agree with not engaging with your Ex as it would feed his feeling of power and control. I would suggest therapy (or whatever you want to call it) but for you and the DC's - a place where you can talk about how things are when they are with their dad and his family and how it's not the way it should be and how to deal with that.

Help them to see that we choose how we behave and that being kind to each other is the way to be and that dad may not always make the best choices about things but that they know how to be good and kind and make their own good choices.

But, if things do not get better in terms of how your DC's feel/behave/interact then I would be looking at changing the access arrangements but this would need to be supported by lots of actual, provable evidence to succeed so get noting, see if school see a downturn in behaviour after time with dad, etc etc so that you can fully support your request if it has to come to that.

Good luck.