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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be worried about my mums MH?

13 replies

FountainOfGerkins · 17/02/2018 07:27

I live overseas but her memory/mind seems to be deteriorating.
We FaceTime and speak on the phone a lot; i speak to her more than most people do and I know she's a bit lonely.
I'm worried about her because of the way she talks sometimes,
For example she'll spot I have a new curtain in the background and say oh they're nice where did you get them, and we'll have a chat about it. But then the next day or a couple days later when we're talking again she'll do the same. Sometimes for up to two weeks.

If I mention something Like oh the washing machines broken, have had to order a new one. A week/few days later she'll ask me if I've got it, I'll say yeah I love it works great. Cue another 2 weeks or so of her asking me if Its arrived yet! Confused

She also seems to make stuff up in her head,
I had a bit of bother with the last place I rented from. They accused me of damaging the floors (I didn't and in the end they conceded and retracted the bill and accusation that I'd damaged them - because they weren't even damaged.)
On a seperate occasion a friend came over and one of her dc spilled water on the floor and I slipped and hurt my foot a bit. My mum knows both things (the latter mentioned in passing).

However my mum now has it in her head that my friend damage the floors. I've said countless times that there was no damage from this and it was a completely different room that the Agents accused me of damaging (they accused me of damaging the dining room and bathroom floors, the spilled water incident happened in the kitchen.) so everytime I mention the friend my mum will say "oh god I wouldn't be speaking to her after the damage she did!" Or she'll randomly say something like "do you still speak to x? Did she reimburse you for the damage to your flooring?" I don't think my mum is being like this on purpose I just think she might be getting her wires crossed/confused to a worrying level.

She's always been a bit forgetful but this is a whole new level. To the point where I do get very frustrated when I speak to her and our phone calls are becoming less frequent.
I've considered dementia but I'm not sure that's likely as she's only 49.
Aibu to be worried and can I do anything? She's in the UK but I'm not. There aren't really many people I could talk to about it either - her and my sister aren't speaking as my sister owes her a lot of money (in the region of £10,000.) my nan has severe dementia and doesn't have much time left and I don't really have anyone else I could discuss it with for different reasons, so with that in mind if I'm not being U what can I do?

I've tried to address it directly with my mum but she swears she's fine...

OP posts:
PippyPop123 · 17/02/2018 07:41

I have no advice but I'm following also as I think this is the same for my MIL and have no idea how to go about it

BroccoliOnTheFloor · 17/02/2018 07:48

I'm sorry. Flowers This does sound like dementia. It can start early and it can have quite a slow progress for decades. Is there a ling term plan to get your Mum living closer to you (or your sister)?

pilates · 17/02/2018 07:59

Yes, it does sound like dementia. Has she got a friend who could make a visit to the doctors with her, or could you come home for a visit and take her? There are tablets they can take to slow down the process but the only problem with that is they have to remember to take them.

CaptainKirkssparetupee · 17/02/2018 08:05

My mum has pre-dementia, this is exactly how she is, she was diagnosed 2 years ago.

Flowers you really need to raise her memory issues with her and suggest a trip to the doctor.

Snowysky20009 · 17/02/2018 08:10

Is your mum in any medication? Any other sis os

saoirse31 · 17/02/2018 08:11

Sounds like memory problems alright but I wonder too could lack of sleep, alcohol, not enough engagement with life outside four walls be factors too? Just when u say you talk to her most and you live in a different country.

Also, esp if she feels you're drifting away a bit from her, could she be grasping at things to prolong conversation...

Re friends damaging or not issue, I'm not sure, I know people mostly mothers it has to be said, no health issues, who seem to have an inviolable belief that they are always right and know better...so suppose it depends if she's always been a bit like thinking she's always right, knows better, or if this is a change?

Either way sounds difficult to deal with.

FountainOfGerkins · 17/02/2018 08:11

My mum already lives near my sister however they've fallen out due to my sister not paying her debt.
I have no way to have her live here due to visa restrictions - non eu country.
I'll talk to her about going to the doctors - it's not feasible for me to visit home at the moment (cost and personal issues at play). She'd have to go on her own terms because I don't know anyone who can go with her/take her/convince her to go.

OP posts:
Snowysky20009 · 17/02/2018 08:11

Diagnosis*

FountainOfGerkins · 17/02/2018 08:14

No medication no drugs and doesn't drink. She works but not in a team based role; still speaks to customers and whathave you but isn't really a social person/doesn't have many friends certainly none close enough that I'd be able to contact in the first place let alone about my mums health.
She can be a bit "I'm right you're wrong that's that" but this is different iykwim?
She has the "I'm right" attitude when we're talking about which car I should get or which childcare to use for dc and so on. That's easily dealt with and she's always been like that.
She doesn't blatantly make stuff up though, or get her wires crossed (up until fairly recently anyhow - she's been like this for under a year). It is a noticeable change.

OP posts:
walkingdowntheboulevard · 17/02/2018 08:15

Could you ring doctor for advice or local social services for advice? If she has early onset dementia she is surely a vulnerable adult and need some support.

FountainOfGerkins · 17/02/2018 08:19

I think SS may be a good idea but I'm also not sure if that's a bit of an overreaction?
Feel a bit stuck as there's not much I can do...

OP posts:
CaptainKirkssparetupee · 17/02/2018 08:22

Social services will not do anything yet, she will need to ask the doctor herself to get things in motion, as she is still deemed to have full responsibility / capacity.

Convincing her there may be an issue will be the biggest step.

FaithEverPresent · 17/02/2018 08:23

You could try ringing the doctor like walking suggests and discuss your concerns. Some GPs will call a patient in for a ‘routine check up’ based on concerns from loved ones. It’s not just dementia that causes STM problems, there are other health problems that can give these symptoms (some resolvable) so it’s worth her being seen and having routine bloods done.

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