To just want a normal life?

[kiggenpaws]

My DH suffers from OCD with obsessive decluttering as a big part of it. I spend each day worried that he’s thrown away/given away/ebay’d something of mine or my DDs. When I can’t find something, he’ll deny all knowledge but then subsequently I’ll find it in a bag for a charity shop.

Jobs, like washing the dishes, don’t get done or finished because he’s obsessed with doing them ‘perfectly’. If I do them he’ll get annoyed that I’ve done it when he said he was going to (even when it’s been sat there for ages not done). He can literally take 2 hours to do a couple of plates and mugs. I think he’s just redoing them. He has a certain way of doing the clothes washing which takes ages too. I washed something of DDs the other day, went to get it & it had gone off the line. I found it back in the washing basket to be rewashed. When I asked him about it he said he’d put it in there ‘by accident’ which makes no sense at all.

If I say I’m going to do a job, he’ll quickly do it instead and then say he ‘forgot’ I said I was going to do it. But I know it’s because he thinks I’m not going to do it right. He’ll prioritise doing that over and above finishing what he’s started.

I just want a normal life where chores are done without drama or routines or methods. Where they are just finished in a reasonable amount of time. Where I’m trusted & respected to do the most basic of stuff. Where I can put something down & expect it to not go missing. Where I can buy my DD a present without feeling massively guilty that it’s going to upset DH because he’ll see it as more stuff. I’ve tried so so hard to support him but it’s causing me all manner of stress & upset. I don’t really know what I want from posting but I just need to get it out of my head. Sorry this is so long.

I understand supporting your husband with a mental illness, but not at the expense of you and your daughters well being. It’s good he is going to counselling and trying to make things better. Honestly, in his situation I would have to leave until he showed a huge improvement. I couldn’t spend my life walking on egg shells and being this uncomfortable in my own home. Not getting a present for child because it stresses him out is no way to live. I understand ocd is a mental illness and it must be awful for your DH. He’s getting help though and I sometimes think we forget about all the people around who also suffer because of a loved ones mental illness. It’s obviously taking a toll on you. You have a child who needs you so there comes a point where you have to put yourself first

OP, I feel your pain.

My DH has some OCD which has caused very similar problems and stress in our household. He saw his GP, tried medication. That didn't work. Both of us approached a local counselling service (pay what you can afford) and they gave me counselling to help me deal with the stress of his illness, and they gave him art therapy sessions to help him. I'm not sure which helped, or if it was another reason, but he really is much better now. Reducing my stress levels was key to improving the situation - the calmer I am, the less likely he is to have a flare-up, and the more likely I am to be able to handle it if he does have a flare-up.

He does have an illness, and he will have to recognise that before he's able to access help. But don't underestimate the importance of getting help for yourself as well.