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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Venting really

49 replies

HarmlessChap · 16/02/2018 23:28

DW has had 4 days off this week; although our DCs are 15 & 17 she likes to take time at half term when she can and has a lot more holiday than me as I'm self employed.

Tomorrow, Saturday, she's off to London with one of the DC's leaving at 6am (before I get up) and back about 8:30 pm. I know from past experience she'll get in eat and then be off to bed knackered. I'm working until 4:30 pm and have a very busy day ahead.

Sunday I have a sporting event starting at 9:00am, back by about 3:00pm and I'll be pretty tired after. I'll then be doing a roast for the family for 6pm and iron my clothes which DW will have washed that day, then take to dog out for a half hour walk and head off to bed reasonably early myself.

This evening I arrived home before 6 and she's just starting to complete a job application online, she told me about it last weekend but hasn't gotten around to it until tonight. She was on it until she went to bed at 10:30pm, with a break for food. While eating she asked if I was ok as I was pretty pissed off and I said I''d been looking forward to spending the evening together given that its a busy weekend and we won't get to see each other much. She has had plenty of time to tackle this application this week or could even do it on Sunday.

AIBU to be pissed off?

Rather than another disappointment tomorrow night, I think I'll head into town with my gay friend, have a few drinks and end up in one of his favourite bars; at least fending off the advances from the guys there would be a bit of an ego boost.

OP posts:

Saltandsauce · 16/02/2018 23:54

*what not when

SaucyJack · 16/02/2018 23:57

If you've been together long enough to have a 17 year old son, then I highly doubt one week in which you're both too busy to spend much time together will be the end of the world.

Original poster

HarmlessChap · 16/02/2018 23:58

Or that he "shouldn't be taking work calls during the evening" because again, that's time he shoukd sound with the wife.
We do have an agreement that I don't answer work emails, texts and calls when we are together in the evenings, despite me being self employed. Albeit I have answered a few emails this evening while she's been doing that application.

OP posts:

Avasarala · 17/02/2018 00:01

If you're prioritising her in the evenings (especially if she's telling you that you can't do business in the evenings) then she should be giving you the same courtesy.

But, you're never going to get that cones us from mumsnet.

If this is her regular behaviour, then maybe have a chat with her about it. If it's a one off, then just take a breath and look forward to next week.

Original poster

HarmlessChap · 17/02/2018 00:01

I highly doubt one week in which you're both too busy to spend much time together will be the end of the world.
Its not, but I was really looking forward to spending some time with her this evening.

OP posts:

Frankiewears · 17/02/2018 00:03

She is just not that into you.

Your controlling, clingy behaviour is very unattractive.

MiddleAgedMe · 17/02/2018 00:08

@HarmlessChap, all you need to do is calmly and without rancour explain to your wife that you'd like to make some time to spend together. The Mumsnet mob are giving you a really hard time...but communication is always key.

And to be fair women here, we need to encourage men to understand how to communicate with us, not send them running with a flea in their ear for trying :(

Original poster

HarmlessChap · 17/02/2018 00:09

As for the sporting event, I'm an organiser as well as participant. I'm there before setting up and after clearing away so can't really dip out.

OP posts:

thegreatbeyond · 17/02/2018 00:10

You probably don't put the clothes in the proper colour separation, or on the right temperature. It's annoying :)

Somerville · 17/02/2018 00:11

Why is it women's responsibility to encourage men to understand how to communicate with us? Teaching my children to be good communicators - both male and female- sure! But certianly not random adult men on the internet.

TallulahWaitingInTheRain · 17/02/2018 00:11

all you need to do is calmly and without rancour explain to your wife that you'd like to make some time to spend together

But what if she doesn't want to spend time with him?

Forgeteverythingandremember · 17/02/2018 00:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Somerville · 17/02/2018 00:16

Are you on MN so you can tell her you were talking to other women while she so cruelly chose a job application over watching a film beside you? 😂

timeisnotaline · 17/02/2018 00:16

We don’t have enough context. I’d have procrastinated on the job app and then had to prioritise it because they are important tbh and it’s just one week, there’s no evidence of a pattern of behaviour which says she doesn’t value you, we don’t know how much precious me time knitting etc she gets, you are spending a day on the weekend doing your thing after all. The ‘ill just go get some attention from gay men’ doesn’t sound that tongue in cheek, it sounds pretty sulky and whiny.

Flopjustwantscoffee · 17/02/2018 00:20

"I never said it was her fault that she has more holiday, its simply that she spent time the time knitting and catching up on box sets and chose to spend the only time could have been cuddled up on the sofa watching a film to fill in this job application."
Well yes technically, but it seems to be a fundamental law of the universe that job applications are completed at the last minute, especially when that means losing out on something cozy and nice. Even if she had started it before, she probably would still be trying to finish it/perfect it because of the last minute rule so....

Flopjustwantscoffee · 17/02/2018 00:22

And as the parent of a much younger child both your weekends sound lovely to be honest...

Original poster

HarmlessChap · 17/02/2018 00:28

The Mumsnet mob are giving you a really hard time...but communication is always key.

I've had worse here, longish term member. I know what to expect and I posted in AIBU rather than relationships because I'm venting rather than expecting relationship advice. I'm aware this is the lions den of the forums.

This weekend is toast, next weekend hopefully won't be. DW is awful at communicating, I wear my heart on my sleeve, she freely admits that she is, as she puts it, a control freak and I'm the passive one who really should have stood up for themselves much more over the years, so the controlling comments while to be expected of MN are not case.

You probably don't put the clothes in the proper colour separation, or on the right temperature. It's annoying
I would never dream of washing her cloths, its mine I do from time to time. Typically it's my muddy sports kit she's says "just leave it I'll do it" but the reason I now do it (and let her get stroppy) is all too often I've gone to look for it on my day off in the week only to find she hasn't and its still sat in the dirty clothes basket, wet, muddy and starting to go mouldy!

OP posts:

Moanranger · 17/02/2018 00:34

Simple - need to book in couple time. Mutually agree that you will spend time together. With busy lives - 2 jobs, hobbies, outside interests, it can be difficult.
No one is a mind reader.
Have a discussion. With her.

Original poster

HarmlessChap · 17/02/2018 00:44

And as the parent of a much younger child both your weekends sound lovely to be honest...
Hang in there it gets better, I promise!

I would not want to repeat the early years for anything, they were without doubt the toughest of times albeit DW had awful PND which made everything so much harder.

OP posts:

MrsDilber · 17/02/2018 00:46

I don't think you should cancel your sporting event, but accept that your schedules haven't aligned this weekend.

It's nice that you want to spend time with your wife, I don't know you, but there is truth in clinginess being suffocating and the wreck of many a marriage. Maybe she wants to go to London too, not just because of DC, she has a life that she has to live.

My suggestion is a date night as soon as you both can make it, do it soon, just the two of you.

It's a balance, any relationship. "I've missed some alone time with you" is better than 'you never have time for me".

Original poster

HarmlessChap · 17/02/2018 01:07

My suggestion is a date night as soon as you both can make it, do it soon, just the two of you.

We have a date night about once every 6 weeks, we try to make some time for each other at the weekends.

I work every Saturday and always have done she now has a Mon - Fri job but also does charity work which takes up 2 evenings a week and some Sundays, she also does fitness classes two evenings a week. I train 2 evenings a week and some Sundays, one of my training nights she's out at her charity, one of them she's at the gym so I really value the time we get together.

OP posts:

phoenixtherabbit · 17/02/2018 07:57

If anyone's a control freak it is most definitely you.

I like being in control, of my life, my job, my future. But if my partner wanted to spend an evening applying for a job, would i throw my toys out and write on mumsnet about it? No. I'd be a hypocrite because he would be trying to change or take control of his life/job/future.

Maybe you need to question what your problem really is because I'd bet it Is not this one specific evening.

rookiemere · 17/02/2018 08:04

Am I the only one getting hinky vibes from OP seeking ego boost by getting chatted up by gay men ?
Are you 100% straight OP or are you trying to justify your DWs indifference so you can do more than talking when out ?

Original poster

HarmlessChap · 17/02/2018 08:21

Are you 100% straight OP or are you trying to justify your DWs indifference so you can do more than talking when out ?

Yes totally straight but also totally comfortable in in the presence of people who aren't and have had gay friends for as long as I can remember. Never felt any sexual attraction towards men which in some ways is a shame as I had lots of opportunities when I was single and could have had a ball (pun intended).

OP posts:

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