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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

legoland

37 replies

backinthatdress · 16/02/2018 16:27

More of a WWYD more then a AIBU

Me and my partner have 2 children together, age 4 & 6 and my partner has daughter from a prev relationship who is 9. We have her EOW, and they text during the week etc now she has a phone.

Last weekend we decided to book a trip for march half term and take the kids to legoland for 2 days and 1 night, my partner text his ex and asked if his daughter would like to come also. We gave her the dates and she confirmed she would like to come. Great! Trip booked shortly after and confirmed to the ex.

Step daughter comes over last weekend like normal and when I asked her was she looking forward to legoland (her little sister was talking about it) she burst in to tears and said actually she didn’t want to come, she doesn’t like rides and her mum had persuaded her to say yes. We tried to reason her that they were not big rides etc but by the end of the weekend she was still saying she didn’t want to go. Clearly this is abit annoying as we have already paid, had to get a bigger hotel room, extra ticket and it cost roughly £100 extra just to bring her which we have no problem paying but only when she isn’t upset saying she doesn’t want to come! My partner text the mum to say ‘step daughter has been upset, doesn’t want to go and we don’t want to force her so we will not take her’ ex just replied ‘ok, fine’. We confirmed to my step daughter that she didn’t have to go which immediately cheered her up.

This is not the first time this has happened, this is the 3rd time! She’s been offered to come to a caravan holiday and a different weekend away before, initially says yes but then changes her mind, the last 2 times the ex has then said she’s not coming tough and we lose out on money etc. She also declined a holiday abroad with us this year when we asked her direct before booking it.

She’s now text my partner today having a rant that its unfair we take our kids away all the time and don’t include our step daughter yet she is asked every single time and that he should be paying for step daughter and his ex to go away on these trips together so she gets mini breaks as well!!! She’s being a CF and of course my partner told her no.

We are fed up of wasting money to be honest but we don’t know what to do either when it will happen yet again. Do we force her to go and maybe be upset the entire time ruining everyone else’s trip away or do we just not offer anymore? We do a couple of breaks away every year normally like the legoland one above but other places such as alton towers for cbeebies land, London were we go to London zoo one day and shreks adventure the national museum the next day etc..

So WWYD.. we’re planning to start taking more abroad holidays and don’t want her to feel left out but we are not made of money either.

OP posts:

SandyDenny · 16/02/2018 16:31

Why not arrange the trips for the time she's not with you?

I wouldn't force a child who doesn't want to go to certain places or put them under pressure.

PoppyFleur · 16/02/2018 16:34

Do you know why your dsd doesn't want to go, is she anxious about being away from home or her mum?

TheDuckSaysMoo · 16/02/2018 16:35

Could you include her in the trip planning next time so you know that you're choosing something she'll want to do?

Original poster

backinthatdress · 16/02/2018 16:35

they are arranged for weekends when we dont have her and some when we do but we want to include her either way so ask her if she would like to come.

we dont put pressure on her, we ask, she says yes and then changes her mind everytime. we are obviously getting annoyed though at paying for her to come and then not coming.

we just dont know what to do anymore, keep asking or just go away and not offer her.

OP posts:

Original poster

backinthatdress · 16/02/2018 16:37

PoppyFleur - yes we think so, she is very sensative and still says alot at 9 she misses mum etc.

TheDuckSaysMoo - we tried including her last time which is why we were going to london and london zoo but she still changed her mind a few weeks later

OP posts:

checkingforballoons · 16/02/2018 16:39

I was going to suggest including her in the planning too. Maybe have a chat with her and tell her how much you want her to come along on these trips but since the last few haven't worked out, is there anything you can do? Obviously don't guilt trip her but try and find out her reasons and see if you can all work together.

Original poster

backinthatdress · 16/02/2018 16:39

we do not have the best relationship with her mum either so going out together will never be and option just to add

OP posts:

Situp · 16/02/2018 16:41

I think the conversation as to whether she wants to go or not should be directly between you and DSD rather than via ex and make it clear she isn't under any pressure. She can voice concerns before you book anything. As a parent I have been guilty in the past of railroading ds1 into activities which he wasn't keen on. Definitely learned that these things are better is collaborative x

MrsWoolly · 16/02/2018 16:42

Tricky. I'm tempted to say make her go and she'll have a great time when she's there, but I don't know. My kids are very outgoing and don't mind being pushed out of there comfort zone.

She's missing out on so much fun and you're wasting money left right and centre.

PinkAvocado · 16/02/2018 16:42

I would have not enjoyed being away from my mum either but she is clearly torn. I think asking her if there is anything that can help her continue wanting to go once she has said yes may be an idea.

checkingforballoons · 16/02/2018 16:43

This might be a really stupid question but does she know that it's ok to say 'No thank you, I don't want to go' when you ask her? She may feel pressured or trying to be polite and then end up having to back out because she's anxious?

MrsWoolly · 16/02/2018 16:44

It's only one night away, what's the worst that can happen?

SEsofty · 16/02/2018 16:44

Does she get to spend any time and do any trips with just her dad. Probably makes sense for her to get used to doing things and days out with just him before involving the rest of you.

House4 · 16/02/2018 16:50

So how long is she happy to stay at your house? Two nights every weekend?
Can’t you just go on great day trips?
She sounds anxious about changes of scenery to me.
Let her chose where to go for a great family day out do she feels special too and that she isn’t missing out. Never stop inviting her (just don’t pay until the last minute) otherwise she will grow up feeling left out

MrsWoolly · 16/02/2018 16:51

If she's 9 won't she be going on her year 6 residential next year?

ClareB83 · 16/02/2018 16:52

I would have just taken her to lego land. Not made her go on any rides she didn't want to and got over the hump of being away somewhere strange without her mum.

I'd also ask DSD about future trips rather than via ex. Obviously check with ex too afterwards.

I'd also tell her it's ok to say no but once she says yes then she needs to go through with it. She's old enough to understand committing to something.

I'd also explain to her that it's ok to miss mum and feel a bit sad, but she will get used to it and have fun if she tries new things. Maybe find out if there is somewhere she would like to go.

Original poster

backinthatdress · 16/02/2018 16:55

Situp & checkingforballoons - This kinda answers both of your questions, she defo knows she can say no. When we were planing the trip abroad for this year we asked her would she like to come direct as couldnt risk the amount of money to be chucked away, we just explained it would be 2 weeks away, abroad, not sure on destination yet though etc and she said no thanks, i said was she sure and she said yes. which was the end of the convo and then she carried on playing with her sister outside. no pressure was put on her at all... just casually dropped into convos with the facts of what we were planning.

SEsofty - yes she does stuff 1:1 with her dad, he takes her for lunch, cinema, bowling sometimes with her sister but to be honest she activley asks if im going to be there as well every time. we get on really well.

OP posts:

Thesmallthings · 16/02/2018 16:57

It seems like the lead up she diesnt like? I'd plan to go some where on the day. And see how she reacts.

Personally I couldn't be wasting money like that so id just say tough your going you don't have to go on anything you don't want but it's been paid for now. And then tell her next time if she doesn't want to go she needs to tell you first before wasting money.

Original poster

backinthatdress · 16/02/2018 16:58

MrsWoolly - she mentioned that a few weeks ago about a residential trip next year and said she didnt want to go, i asked how come and she just said because she didnt want to

OP posts:

Original poster

backinthatdress · 16/02/2018 17:02

House4 - most of the time its 2 night, other times its pick up at 9am sat and drop her back 6pm sunday as she tells her mum she doesnt want to come over the friday night and her mum says ok? nothing much we can really do except cause a scene and go up to get her anyway to still be refused. we do sometimes do days out, every year for her bday shes allowed to pick to go anywere for the day but she always trys to confirm its only for a day.

OP posts:

SEsofty · 16/02/2018 17:03

So it's the anticipation she struggles with. In which case don't tell her so far in advance. So she arrives for the weekend and you say, right children we are going to lego land tomorrow and staying the night so let's pack bags before bedtime. She is nine. If she lived full time with you then she wouldn't get a choice of whether to go on family day out. So don't give her the choice now. If it is an activity you think she will like then book it when she is with you.. If you don't think she will like it then do it on a weekend she is not with you.

MrsWoolly · 16/02/2018 17:10

I sort of agree with SEsofty, she shouldn't be treated any differently to her siblings and you wouldn't let them out of going.

FlouncyDoves · 16/02/2018 17:28

Just make her go. Or ask her mother for the money.

SEsofty · 16/02/2018 17:28

Just to say if I let my children decide if they wanted to do stuff we probably wouldn't go anywhere. But we do, and they have a brilliant time.

Original poster

backinthatdress · 16/02/2018 17:30

even if we book it for when she is with us, what do we do when her mum texts on a friday saying pick her up tomorrow morning instead or when we need to drop her back at 8pm ish instead of the 6pm as we dont leave the place til late, so we would need to pre warn her mum who would tell her.

were more worried that with forcing her, we actually get there and shes still upset/miserable and ruining the trip for her siblings. there day shouldnt be ruined because there older sister keeps crying everytime we want her to get on a ride. its not an option either for one of us to stay of with her as our 6 yr old is a short cake so needs an adult sat with her and our 4 year old has autism so needs an adult sat with him for his own saftey! my step daughter is a tall and a well built girl for her age (think age 14-15 yrs girls clothes, adult 8s, size 6 adult feet!) so she can obv sit next to her sister on these rides or on her own.

OP posts:

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