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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WWYD - illness - house move or stay put

40 replies

HollyBayTree · 16/02/2018 13:57

If you were broadly faced with two options - one person is very ill, requires a down stairs bathroom etc, unlikely to see much improvement in their condition, it is life limiting. Both people currently employed FT, ergo not entitled to any welfare/benefit assistance, unless the ill person make rapid steps toward recovery, it is likely they will be unemployed, and longevity probably isnt going to happen either.

There is still 25 % of the mortgage outstanding. Ill person is about to turn 55, so pension access is possible, but commuting 25% of the pension pot will not pay off the outstanding 25% of the mortgage.

Would you

(a) shake and groove to keep the house that you have due to sense of community, friends, ease of commute for the other person, school and so forth, it is an area you know well, grew up in, your GP and hospital are on hand.
or
(b) Downsize, which means moving away a little, either into a not-so-nice area or moving quite a way out of town, which means the ill person may become isolated, getting to school/work/hospital appts becomes a bit of pain, but you will be mortgage fee and able to financially relax a little.

WWYD?

OP posts:
HollyBayTree · 16/02/2018 14:36

No empty rooms - all filled with adult children and one will have to be rehomed Grin

Thanks for all your links, I will pass them on. Keep the ideas coming

OP posts:
rothbury · 16/02/2018 14:40

I am a bit baffled here. What sort of place only has houses that are identical? Are you sure there is not a property you could buy near where you are now that would be smaller but have the facilities you will need going forwards?

Honeycombcrunch · 16/02/2018 14:42

If the ill person needs a downstairs bathroom etc can you apply for PIP? You can still receive it if working as it's supposed to help with adaptations and the effect of a long term illness.

I would choose option b to take financial pressure off. If the new area is 2 miles away it is close enough to not make too much difference. Don't move somewhere that will isolate you but look for a suitable property that will make life easier. Are there any suitable retirement blocks nearby? They tend to be cheaper to buy but the service charges can be quite high.

Borderterrierpuppy · 16/02/2018 14:46

I would choose A, and as an aside my grandparents had a stairlift fitted to the tiniest most crooked set of stairs ever, it’s definately possible .

LakieLady · 16/02/2018 14:55

Ill person can get contribution-based ESA (ie, not means tested) for (I think) 12 months, that will be £73.10 pw.

They may well be entitled to PIP, which is anything from £56-140 pw depending on the extent and impact of the disability. This does not affect any other benefits and is not means-tested.

Ill person might also be entitled to an enhanced pension on grounds of ill health and/or take advantage of the new rules and draw out enough lump sum to clear the mortgage.

And when the g/f bathroom is needed, apply for a grant for it!

Also worth bearing in mind that if either of you have been in armed forces you may be entitled to a grant from the appropriate charity. There are also charities for all sorts of trades/professions: gardeners, musicians, teachers - that may be able to help.

Moving to somewhere with a high crime rate is not a good idea for someone with disabling illness, neither is moving to somewhere really rural.

Good luck.

Llanali · 16/02/2018 14:59

Move. Financial stress is the last thing anyone needs when unwell.

And if house a is unsuitable and you say it can’t be made suitable then you’ll have to move anyway!

Woahmamma · 16/02/2018 15:03

OP I was in the same position as you, I am the one with a life-limiting degenerative debilitating illness.

We chose to move, which at the time seemed financially the right thing to do.

Having been in our bungalow (10 miles away) now for 18 months, we have put it back on the market to go back to our comfort zone, our original area.

At the time it felt like the right decision but it soon became very clear unfortunately that although the distance seemed ‘not too great’ after the initial move, my carers, family & I spend an awful lot of time in the car traveling to & from there for medical appointments, catching up with friends, etc.

I have accumulated 19,000 miles in 18 months because of this which hasn’t given me the quality of life we expected or imagined, hence our desire to return.

We so wish we had stayed where we were & adapted without the upheavel, removal costs & slight embarrassment on my part.

needmysleep75 · 16/02/2018 15:03

Get someone in to look into a stair lift, they can be fitted in most places. If that works then stay, how many adult children and are they paying their fair share? They shouldn't be costing you anything and they should be paying towards the household.

SandlakeRd · 16/02/2018 15:04

Speak to your local council and ask for an occupational therapy assessment. They will look at what will make the current house easier and also any equipment that may help.

They can also discuss a disabled facilities grant to make adaptations or eg put in a stair lift. However this is means tested so if you may not be eligible. Worth asking though!

BiddyPop · 16/02/2018 15:10

If A is to remain in the existing house, can the existing house be adapted to make it easier on the person with illness in particular, like putting in a downstairs bathroom or a Stannah type lift to upstairs (seeing it as an aid to keep you mobile and functioning, even happily living, in your existing house rather than a symbol of defeat), and any other changes like perhaps a workstation to allow the ill person to do potential work from home etc? Is there space to make the living space work now and potentially into the future if you need to adapt - space for a walker/wheelchair, replace sofa with more upright individual chairs with arms, that sort of thing?

I am not trying to suggest these as an expectation of needing them, from what you initially said - but that thinking about these things as part of any moves or not may help the decision as any house may need to be adapted.

And also that such adaptations can not only help the person affected, but actually really make a positive difference if the person accepts them - as they can help the person to stay at home, and be comfortable, for much longer than otherwise. And also anyone either living with that person, or acting in a caring capacity, will also find it a lot easier.

I had a DGM who had to go into a home at the end of her life (no one living locally to support her as she needed and state care was limited to 3 visits of 15 minutes per day even though much more was actually necessary), as she needed more support than available at home - but she had nursed DGF at home for 10 years after a stroke with an adapted bathroom (mostly just grab rails and a seat in the bathroom to sit there when needed and a seat in the bath to allow DGF to sit while showering rather than fear falling over), converting the outside shed into a toilet accessible from downstairs, and an extra bannistairs rail (so 1 on both sides) on the stairs. DGF had been pretty badly affected but was able to move around slowly at home, and had a walker for on the flat.

I had a DGM who stayed at home until the end, going from spry at 91 to bedbound at 92. She had more support at home (1 DD living at home still, 2 DDs living locally and a DS living locally too who all were able to do a lot more on a daily basis, as well as the funds to pay for private care rather than depending on state resources). So she had a stannah lift installed, a decent folding and lightweight wheelchair was hired allowing her to get out and about, bathroom was made easy for her to use etc.

And I have a DUncleIL who is wheelchair bound now (in mid-70s, he was walking on 2 false legs until prolonged bout of dealing with cancer, and consequent being bedbound, meant he lost the mobility on his legs). He has a reasonably active life - self-contained flat on ILs house (for 40+ years), which in recent years has had an adapted bathroom and a couple of ramps put in to replace steps to the doors but he still cooks, studies, writes etc there and looks after himself reasonably well with some additional support but not loads.

Its as much about getting any necessary amendments thought about in advance and either put in place or at least knowing the options to do them when needed, which has made a big difference to those people staying at home as long as they all have. And all in their own surroundings that they have or had lived in for decades.

Is it worth getting an occupational therapist or an architect who deals with adaptations to have a look at the existing house to consider what changes might be needed, in your own particular circumstances, and if they would be possible to the existing house?

And it may also give you an idea of what possible things to look out for in any house searching you do - either in terms of things already adapted or specific layouts that may work better for you as a couple, or things that you can see would be possible to adapt relatively easily if they become necessary in the future.

bigbluebus · 16/02/2018 15:41

If a stair lift won't suit then how about a through floor wheelchair lift. Pretty sure it would be cheaper than moving house.

bigbluebus · 16/02/2018 15:46

www.wessexlifts.com

This is the type of thing that can be installed if you have a suitable space on both floors.

carefreeeee · 16/02/2018 15:51

If you have adult children living there get them to pay market rent. Their income can cover the reduction due the ill person no longer working. If there are two of them you should be able to pay off extra from your mortgage whilst there are still four of you working, to give a cushion for later on. Surely they will be willing to do this given the situation and alternatives. Unless they are disabled or can't work for some reason. But even if students they should be able to contribute something.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 16/02/2018 17:42

How old is the well person,you could negotiate a longer term for existing mortgage so reducing monthly payments.If the I'll patient cannot work and needs help with living at home in any way they can claim carers allowance.I think staying where you are is going to be so much help for all members of your family.

Fortysix · 16/02/2018 18:36

Do you know a local well respected builder who possibly lives in a similar house to yours? Sometimes cheaper to speak to a builder than an architect for the same advice. Might be that stairs in your house could be re-positioned or moved with dead space recouped to make room for compact bathroom. Messy and you might need to move out for a bit but not always very expensive.

Another vote here for occupational therapists' assessment. If many houses nearby have similar layout the OTs in your area [or hone carers?] may know what people have achieved without moving.

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