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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bring this up to DB?

20 replies

HolyMotherFuckers · 16/02/2018 12:20

My DB had a baby last year. He and DNieces mum are no longer together but coparent well with my brother being primary carer for DN.

As they aren’t together it’s very unlikely they’ll both (god forbid) be in an accident at the same time. However, should I bring up to my brother that they should name someone to take on DN in the event of them both dying before she turns 18.

I say this as I would most likely be that person. Her maternal GM has 2 primary school age children still but is actually not allowed to look after DN on her own due to SS Involvement and alcohol issues.

My DM the paternal GM would be equally as able to take her on as me, but in terms of giving her the most normal life she’d most likely be with as DM will be older and I am likely to have other children giving DN company etc. I also look after her 3 days a week on my own and she lives with me (and DB) 4 days a week. So I am very very close to her.

I know it’s an unlikely situation but should we have something in place still?

OP posts:

DeathStare · 16/02/2018 12:23

I know it’s an unlikely situation but should we have something in place still?

Not we - they

You sound over-involved to be honest. Have either of them asked you to take on this role? They may have a friend in mind. Or they may have thought that it's so unlikely that the two of them would die together that they'd cross that bridge if one of them died rather than beforehand. Or they might already have an arrangement in place

Original poster

HolyMotherFuckers · 16/02/2018 12:26

Actually no, due to a series of incidents with the mother DN is only allowed to be without parents with 3 people. Me, my DN and was supposed to be the auntie of the mum but she’s NC with the mum now.

She lives with me. I’m not over involved

OP posts:

Original poster

HolyMotherFuckers · 16/02/2018 12:27

my DM that should say.

OP posts:

AjasLipstick · 16/02/2018 12:29

Your wording is odd "I look after her three days a week on my own and she lives with me and DB for four days"

So she lives full time with you and her dad who is also your brother? You
re not unreasonable to want to protect her future though/

Original poster

HolyMotherFuckers · 16/02/2018 12:34

Sorry. I’ll explain better. DB and I live in the same house. She has 4 days in her dads Sunday to Wednesday and her mums Thursday to Saturday. DB works 3 of the days she’s here so I care for her in the daytime until he’s home in evenings. And one day she’s here he is off work. So he spends time with her that day

OP posts:

oldschoolcool · 16/02/2018 12:34

It is up to the parents whether they want to name a guardian. No offence but they may not think that you or anyone else they know is suitable or the M might have family you don't know about who she would prefer to name.

You could bring it up and let the mother and father know that you would be willing, but that is as far as your involvement should go.

Cuppaoftea · 16/02/2018 12:48

Your DN lives with her father, your DB, that's why she's resident in your parental home. She doesn't live with you and him as an afterthought!

No you shouldn't mention this, it sounds like you're too close and looking to gain influence in making decisions for your DN. Take a step back and let your DB and her Mum get on with parenting their daughter.

Her Mum sounds young from the details you've posted, both she and your brother (who I assume is also young as he's still living in the parental home) are both likely to meet other partners and have siblings for your DN. The current domestic situation is bound to change hugely for your DN in the future. By then she may have step parents by marriage who take on PR and it would be more appropriate for her to reside with in the event of anything happening to her parents.

Enjoy the time you have with her now but keep perspective. She isn't your daughter.

oldschoolcool · 16/02/2018 12:52

cuppaoftea That's a very good point. There is every chance that they will meet new partners and the baby will have two sets of parents, double grandparents etc.

Handsfull13 · 16/02/2018 12:58

We not long ago lost my Mil and it's really hot home for me about putting things in order and sorting out a will.
I feel like if any big changes happen you should update the will and keep it current. That includes any house purchases and children.
Maybe you could word it to him that your getting your things in order and has he considered doing the same as he has a child now it's important to have things in writing.
That opens up the conversation without bluntly telling him what he needs to do, I know you aren't saying you want to do that but I couldn't find the right words

Snowysky20009 · 16/02/2018 13:08

You need to let her Parents sorry this out. It's nothing to do with you. You sound overly involved- step back!

MadRainbow · 16/02/2018 13:13

I remember a post on here not so long ago about a 16 year old mum having been kicked out of her mum's house during a fight and baby staying with her dad. 16 year old ended up sofa surfing with baby? Is this the same family?

ChasedByBees · 16/02/2018 13:17

If you’re DB has a will, this will be part of it. If he dies first though, care would pass to her mother and then whatever wishes she puts in her will would be considered first if she were to die.

As far as I’m aware, any wishes are just that though, a person isn’t a belonging so can’t be passed on. So if the worst happens and this comes up it’s possible that SS would look to the family anyway.

FizzyGreenWater · 16/02/2018 13:19

Ah I remember your past thread.

This is your brother who is about 18-19 yes-? Works full time and lives with you (so basically, doesn't have 'primary care' at all - he lives the life of a very well supported adolescent, still at home and can hold down a full time job as he has family stepping in to parent his child). Sharp contrast to the mum who, surprise surprise hasn't done so well at parenting so far, what with being made pregnant at ?14-15 by your brother then dealing with literally caring for the child alone after being thrown out by her alcoholic mother.

Last time, folk were quick to shoot down your implications that your brother was the better parent, though back then you weren't describing the time split between the mother and basically you (not really him) as 'primary care'. This time you will be told again and again that you are still too involved, I think.

I think you have the potential to get very hurt by this, especially when your brother finds a new partner.

BrazzleDazzleDay · 16/02/2018 13:29

4 days ago you had written a suicide note, im sorry op but you really need to seek help for yourself before trying to play surrogate mummy

Stormwhale · 16/02/2018 13:35

Oh dear. In normal circumstances I don't think you would be unreasonable to offer, but this doesn't seem to be a normal set of circumstances. If pp is right about you being suicidal, I would urge you to seek rl support, and perhaps ask for more help with caring for your dn. Honestly I wouldn't want a person who is suicidal being sole carer of a child.

Rachie1973 · 16/02/2018 13:38

No. Its not your business.

One day both parents will move on, and get new partners and families and you're not going to get to play Mum anymore.

They co parent, so let them deal with it.

NerrSnerr · 16/02/2018 13:41

I agree with pp,it’s likely that one or both parents will marry, have further children and contact arrangements will change to reflect this.

MissionItsPossible · 16/02/2018 13:44

If it is indeed the same thread as referenced upthread and I too remember it, then yes, YABU and need to take a step back (to be fair, I would have said that regardless).

FrancisCrawford · 16/02/2018 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

8misskitty8 · 16/02/2018 16:05

Not your decision to make and you really shouldn’t bring it up either. Being related doesn’t mean you’d get dn anyway. Your DB might decide someone else should be guardian of DN.
Our married friends have children and we are the named guardians of the children should anything happen to them. Despite both parents having siblings.

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