To ask how do you make friends?

[theAwkwardOne]

I'm mid 20s. I was in a bad crowd at secondary school and not kept in touch with anyone from back then. College was a blur and people fell off the radar and the one close friend I thought I had turned out to be a bit 'off' (think sabotaging relationships etc).

I'm now a SAHM and my activities are limited. I attend a mum and toddler group but most people there already know each other from other settings and I'm significantly younger than most of them so I don't really have enough in common with them.
I'm quite awkward and anxious and I often freak out in my head when talking to people as I overanalyse their expressions and end up thinking I've said something wrong or I'm making weird faces.
I also don't know how to make small talk (run out of what to say/ask and forget names) or general conversation. I've noticed I'm often quite emotionless (even though I've got lots of emotions in my head just don't project them) and really struggle and clam up when I'm expected to react to something a certain way and I come across fake and forced ( I don't know if that makes sense).

So how and where can I make friends?
I literally have no one aside from family I could call up and go have coffee and cake with and its getting me down a bit.

I know my DP has picked up on this too and has sometimes passes on going out with his friends etc to not make me feel as lonely and I don't want him feeling this way either.

Your post is well written and chatty... You CAN do small talk!

It is hard to make friends with a group that already know each other. I have the same problem at the moment. And being younger shouldn't be a problem but unfortunately it can be if interests are different. One thing you do have in common though is your child. Try to get to as many activities as you can and keep going. If there is anything happening locally, ask if anyone is going. Or if that would be too much, pick someone who you think you'd get on with and ask them.

The best way I've found of making friends is through other friends. Do your partner's friends have girlfriends you'd like to get to know? How about friends of family members? Can you arrange to go for drinks with them + potential new friend?

I bet you aren't nearly as bad at small talk as you think in your head.

Would it help you to practice small talk with DP? Role play it a bit?

Have a bit of a 'bank' of topics to go through, safe topics like holidays, weekend plans, something you've seen in the paper, something relating to popular culture, a local event, whatever.

Hi, reading your post and how you feel when interacting with others it does sound as though you may have social anxiety. I feel the same as you around people and have been diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder, I found that CBT helped a lot so it might be worth looking into. I also struggle to make friends and met my close friends through work so I'm sorry I don't really have any advice in that regard. I think maybe if you keep trying different mum & toddler groups you are bound to meet people you share common ground with

It is hard to make new friends as an adult. I think they key is to turn up at the same places at the same time each week. Humans are creatures of habit and you will find you see the same people each week. Then just slowly start talking to them. I does take a long time- assuming you don't want to come across as a needy lunatic.

It might help to get involved with the organisation of something. Do any of the groups you use have committees etc. you could join?

If your DC are at the age where they can take up funded nursery places you could also volunteer with a cause that means something to you a few hours a week, that way you are likely to meet like-minded people.

Are you on facebook? There was a previous thread about a MN fb group

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/3115983-new-mum-lonely

There will definitely be others out there who feel exactly the same as you.

Alternatively, have you tried MN local?

I'd agree with pp that your post is well written and chatty.

Could you perhaps get some childcare for a few hours and pursue a previous hobby or interest? Having more in common with the other people might help.

Forgot to say, loads of people forget names (especially with LOs and you're sleep deprived) and the easiest thing to do is just to say "Sorry. I've forgotten your name". I'm terrible at remembering names since having DS, think it's lack of sleep. Of course if you get to the stage of swapping tel numbers, you can make a note of the name (and DCs name and a pic to remind you!) on there.

I'm the same OP - can we be friends?! I'm early 20s and had a huge group of 'girl friends' all through high school and college, we all went to different uni's and a few of them still hang out together but they're all so fake and rude it's unreal. Anyway, I have a few friends from uni and a few I've known forever but we all live all over the country and I don't have any real friends near me I can see often.

It used to really bother me but my daughter is basically my best friend now - she's great, I can tell her all my problems and she just babbles and smiles a gummy smile back! She's 6mo

I'm planning to start some voluntary work which would help me get out and meet people, and possibly a night school course in something fun like learning to make clothes or floristry.

I find its difficult being this age and a mum. All the mums from my NCT group are between 32 and 40 and I've drifted away from them as they all meet up together. They seem to like me but they're very ageist and seem to think when I give advice (if they ask for it) they can't take it seriously because I'm 'young'. It's rubbish. Also the mums in my area I've met up with are quite a bit older than me, so although we get on at baby groups etc. they're not interested in meeting up outside group.

Join Mush or Hoop and post saying 'any 20-somethings want to start a group chat' and start a WhatsApp group. That's what I did and have a few people I talk to now

Lowdoorinthewal1 has good advice. It's easier to make friends if you're working alongside them on a common project, and being involved in the organisation means people need to talk to you about organisational stuff, and that spills over.

Basically - try lots of things till you find things you enjoy. Something you enjoy will be enjoyed by other people similar to you, so you have a greater chance of finding a friend. Get involved in the organisation, and let things develop. Think in terms of a couple of years to go through meeting, casual conversation when you meet, to friendship.

And keep telling yourself that what is important is what you think of the other person, not what they think of you.

Thank you for the replies, unfortunately my writing skills are a lot better than real life conversation skills IYKWIM.

I try but I think I project things wrong.

My main bugbear is keeping the conversation going. I.e. Past the hi how are you/ what's on in the news generic stuff. It then ends up in an awkward silence with strained smiles and my mind goes blank, it mortifies me

I don't have much time to get involved with anything at the moment due to the ages of my DCs and DPs working schedule.
I've met DPs friends GFs etc but they've all grown up together and already have their own little circles.
And I know I'm not "in" with them even though we all have similar aged DCs as some of them have recently made plans for a day out together with the DCs within earshot of me and did not involve me even though we all mentioned we were free that day earlier on.

It would probably need to be a fellow mum friend who doesn't mind coffee and too much cake and hanging out with moody toddlers...