Emotionally immature?

[frankenburger]

To put things in context I have been sleeping on the floor in the spare room during my holidays (teacher) as he has the flu. No ones fault but it has been very sucky. I have started to feel like life is getting me down. That I didn’t want all of the things that I have wanted. That I don’t want a mortgage and children. To feel trapped in an expensive house in a soulless area.
I thought that it was my job ( I was work shy growing up and now I work hard and am permanently exhausted from it). But I’m not sure it is.
I love my dh. I really do. We have been trying for children for over a year. Our sex life is pretty rubbish though. I never have an orgasm. I’ve tried guiding gently. Then I got toys and books. But it’s a bit robotic. Maybe he’s a bit robotic. He always repeats the same compliments.
He made a comment tonight that I didn’t buy lightbulbs - after I came home cleaned up and cooked dinner. I was in a weird, slightly depressed mood and then kaboom! I exploded! I asked him to do the washing up. He is still a bit unwell and I don’t want it so I asked him to wash his hands before touching stuff. He washed his hands over the washing up bowl. I let that small thing get to me. I snapped at him. He got upset. Called me names. Then, as is his usual mode of behaviour, started ranting. Now I’m at my parents. In a bed which is where I want to be.
I’m just worried that I am emotionally immature by overreacting and running off to my parents house. Arg!

Sorry about the lack of paragraphs - late night ramblings!

Do you feel you are spending you life living in a way that is expected or that you want. If you'd rather live on your own and not start a family, that's ok you know. Spend your time working on and developing yourself.

It could be a number of things.
Your relationship doesnt sound great - how long has it been like this? Does he always rant if you challenge him on something?
You could be getting depression.
You could have been depressed and its now lifting and youre seeing things more clearly.
You could just have gone along with what was expected and are only now realising its not right for you.

Going somewhere where youre loved and have a bed sounds like a pretty good move to me in any circumstances.

Could you get some therapy? Try and work out what you do want from life?

Sounds like you’re at the end of your tether, and I bet poor sleep has a lot to do with it. That’s not to say you shouldn’t make changes to your life.

What would your ideal week look like?

Old gimmer here, when you are unhappy in a relationship, the first place to look is how the household chores are shared. You mention you had cooked and cleaned and he complained about no lightbulbs.

Is that how it goes between the two of you, or is that a one off? When does he do his (50%) share of cooking and cleaning, and washing and shopping...? If he doesn't, why not?

Get that sorted, either with him stepping up (plus more to catch up...) or splitting. Everything else will follow, when you no longer resent him for not doing his share you can evaluate the rest of your life. Do not even think about having children with someone who does not do their share...

Usually he does the laundry and I do everything else unless I ask him. He has been incapacitated by this horrible flu which I had last month so hence me taking over and sleeping on the floor.
I think the problem is that I spent the beginning of my thirties hell bent on finding someone to nest with. I'm generally happy with him. But then I rarely see him as he works long hours.
Arguments are horrible with him. He has a quick temper which doesn't ignite often but it is horrible. He is in the process of getting help for this.
Just before I left last night after he had ranted at me he asked me to 'Give him a smile' - that really pissed me off! I'm a very smiley happy person generally btw!

So, what do you think, is his contribution about equal to yours? If not, why might that be?

Do you think you might be better off considering these things when you’re not so tired?
Do you think you ought to get a bed for the spare room?
Are you wanting the sun when you have the moon already? No relationship is perfect and we have to work at those worth saving.
Are you panicking about biological time bomb ticking when you’re not in the right place emotionally for a baby?
Is he mildly Aspergers ? Does he find emotional communication difficult? Can you work on this together?
Do you want to be with him for ever? That’s what’s needed before you start a family.

How many hours are you both out the door commuting and working?
Do you both get time for socialising etc.

You may have saddled yourself with a workaholic, I'm married to one but I like the time alone and need that. If I had a DH who I had to see a lot it wouldn't have survived on my part.

Housework sharing is an issue but there are some rare exceptions . I have a mate who does very little and it's not equal at all. However she has a 2.5 hour commute to work each way so her DH does almost everything, they have no dc and married late forties so was never happening. I like a nice balanced housework household but her set up is an exception. It just so happens it's the woman and she is a much higher earner, about three times his salary.

The anger issues are obviously not good at all but you say he is being treated for it. You need to discuss and sort all this In to something your both happy with or it's over. Problem you really have is that your wanting dc and I have watched the slow car crash of friends making not great choices in men because their biological clock was ticking very loudly.

Are you wanting the sun when you have the moon already?
I really like that. It sounds poetic.
It's weird that you mention Aspergers. I had been considering that. He is diagnosed with adhd and is waiting to go back on meds ( the nhs adhd waitlist he is on is enormous). This was spurred on by our awful Christmas where we argued loads.
I know what you mean by baby train wreck too. I've seen it also. Perhaps this is why I have changed my mind about wanting children.
He has many lovely attributes but after lots of thinking I'm just not sure I can handle the horrible arguments. He's like a teenager and shrieks and slams doors and calls me names and can't be reasoned with. Eurgh just writing it down is exhausting!