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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for your help with reporting this sexual assault

12 replies

Choklitdoknut · 15/02/2018 20:45

://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3166028-MIL-and-FIL-trigger-warning-about-sexual-assault?pg=2&order=

This is my thread from before. You've all convinced me. I've tried googling but I am getting stuck.. if I report it do they HAVE to tell him?is there a way it can go on a record and only be brought up if needed or if he already has a record that I don't know about?
I don't want to ruin my stupid MILs relationship with my children. Stupidly I feel too guilty.
Help.

OP posts:

AaronPurrSir · 15/02/2018 20:46

I remember your previous thread OP. Did you speak to your SIL?

Original poster

Choklitdoknut · 15/02/2018 20:46

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3166028-MIL-and-FIL-trigger-warning-about-sexual-assault?pg=2&order=

Sorry link again..

OP posts:

Original poster

Choklitdoknut · 15/02/2018 20:47

No, a poster said not to talk to her until ive reported it in case he says we planned it together!

OP posts:

Dontwantanicknamethanks · 15/02/2018 21:02

But surely your priority should be protecting your children from your FIL and also your mil, both for different reasons? Your fil is a sexual predator and your mil has lost her mind and only speaks poison. I would not let a child of mine near them at all. You really have to override your guilt about this and get Mama Bear about it. Don't allow him to repeat history. I think when it comes to speaking to the police, you can speak to them in a safeguarding capacity but say that you not yet making an allegation. I think? Perhaps a police officer on here could help. Regardless I think you need to take more control of this situation. It's gone on for too long. Re the SIL, speak to the police first and then talk to her. Your actions may give her the courage to follow you. Good luck.

Original poster

Choklitdoknut · 15/02/2018 21:30

I haven't let my FIL near us for over a year now.. I made excuses. I think I do need to get over the guilt to mil. She seems lovely when it's not about this but I would never leave my kids with her .

OP posts:

Original poster

Choklitdoknut · 15/02/2018 22:44

Anybody?

OP posts:

ClemDanfango · 16/02/2018 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shadow01 · 16/02/2018 08:34

Hi
Two weeks ago I reported a sexual assault and rape. I’m not comfortable saying much here but feel free to pm me and I’ll try and help.
My specially trained officer has been fab and talked me through the whole process before I started.

SugarPlumFerry · 16/02/2018 08:52

I can't really help as such but just wanted to give a virtual hug and say I'm behind you.

Stuff MILs relationship with DC. She would rather let you and another woman suffer in silence and excuse FIL's despicable actions so that she can sit in pretty convenience in her house and relationship. She's disgusting, frankly.

WellThisIsShit · 16/02/2018 09:10

Can’t help with the facts and stuff, but am here to support you emotionally. Sounds like you’ve been conditioned to silence by this pair, and your dh has been conditioned to do the same... to put the desires of his father above the safety of his teenage female relatives (sister and girlfriend/wife).

Fundamentally that’s not right, and you’ve been tricked into this state of affairs where your Fil, and also your Mil’s have betrayed your safety and left you grappling with the aftermath of a sexual assault by yourself.

There is such damage done in pretending this didn’t happen to you, and I’m so glad you’re dealing with it now, for your own emotional well-being.

FantasticMissFox · 16/02/2018 09:16

So sorry you’ve been through this OP, I can’t be much help but I will say that this is about doing what’s right for you. Take out your DC and MIL and focus on you. Sending hugs.

FinallyReportedHim2 · 18/02/2018 18:23

This is really good guide to the legal process rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/From-Report-to-Court-a-handbook-for-adult-survivors-of-sexual-violence.pdf

If you report to the police they will ideally want you to complete a statement. (This is often a video recording, which can then be played in court if it got that far.)

There are a lot of background checks and checking of info first before they speak to other witnesses - the suspect is usually the last person they talk to.

IME they checked at every step if I still wanted to continue and I could have stopped the process at any point - they won't force you into court if that isn't what you want. (I went to court over historical sex abuse and he was found guilty :) )

Your best bet is to ring 101 and ask to speak to someone from the sexual offences team - most forces have specialists now - I found them to be incredibly supportive and helpful, they "get" it IME, they won't force you to do anything you don't want to.

Happy to help with any questions - PM me if you'd rather.

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