To Be Annoyed At Interfering Mother

[Mymumsaknob]

Name change for this one!

I wrapped my DNieces birthday gifts and gave them to my mum to pass on (im on holiday so wont see DN and they live around 3 hours away). Given in plenty of time for DM to take them down as she is going anyway on 21st. Anyway it was peppa pig toys wrapped in pink princess paper with a pink organza ribbon round them. then in a plain pink hallmark gift bag, the £2.50 nice thick ones (this is relevant).

So last week DM comes round and hands me my gift bag back. She felt it was "too nice" for DN as DS will just throw it away. So shes put it in a bag with lions and animals on from poundland. I didn't really know what to say and, as it sounded petty, left it. However it bugged me all week. its MY choice what bag my gifts go in. And presentation is important to me. I dont want a poundland lion bag, I wanted my bag.

So when I saw her I explained I didn't want the lion bag. She was extremely apologetic and repeatedly said she shouldnt meddle or get involved. She actually dragged it on longer than she should and almost used it for sympathy and I found myself repeatedly saying "it's ok, dont worry, not a problem". Anyway she just text me a photo, with my gift inside a pink minnie mouse bag. Still not what i would have chosen, but better than the cheap looking lion bag. I thanked her, then noticed she has taken the ribbons off the fucking gifts!!! They are plonked inside, no longer ribboned together.

I know how pedantic and pathetic this seems, but I chose a gift for DN, went to a lot of effort ribboning wrapping and putting them in a bag. She has totally changed the bag and taken my ribbons off the gifts. This may be how she sends HER gifts but not how I send mine. I am fuming. I just text back asking why she removed the ribbon and shes now ignoring me.

For the record we get on great and she does interfere and think she knows everything but I've never known her go so far as to actually change peoples gifts or wrapping before. Then again maybe its something she always does and I've just never noticed. She generally passes gifts between me and my DS for ease, but in future I think I may just have to pay to send them in the post.

AIBU and what would you do?

I can't think of a motive for changing bags etc unless she wants to use them for her purposes, maybe for a future gift for someone else. You've done well for confronting her. She may be mortified but it's her own doing. I still wouldn't let her handle future presents. If you do, then I second PPs suggestion about taking photos of completely wrapped presents and packaging and sending the photos to intended recipient so they know what they're expecting. And tell your mum you've done it so she will not make alterations and can avoid future mortification.

Imo her 'feeling bad about it for weeks' is just her playing martyr. She feels bad about meddling and is embarrassed she got caught so then drags it on for ages in the hope you'll let it slide next time so as not to upset her like last time. Just my assumption anyway. I know people like this who drag an issue out when a simple 'ooh sorry I shouldn't have meddled, I'll leave out of it next time' will suffice. It's just so that you end up apologising yourself for making them feel bad.
It's tough because whilst it is a bit petty really this kind of stuff really pisses me off too so I wouldn't want to let it slide either, especially all the 'why don't you buy X gift?' stuff.

It is petty bu but I would be super annoyed too-just why? Why couldn't she just leave it alone? It would have taken no effort from her.

So sexist, wrapped in sexist, tied with sexist in a sexist bag? Sounds like your mother improved it!

Always one that has to peddle their chit.

I think Gimble's got it exactly. The going on about it for weeks, is to make you feel bad so you won't bring it up again.

Meant to add, I don't believe for one minute that she really is mortified. It's all a show to manipulate you.

@TriniRedVelvet Thats the odd thing - she gave me my bag back and swapped it for a £1 cheap looking one. which she wont take the money for. as my DS "would only throw it away and its too nice for that". That's MY choice. Im well aware DS would throw it away and I don't actually care. I have never asked her for money and am very comfortable in that sense so it's not like she thinks shes saving me money or I need it. Makes zero sense.

She has a bit of form for odd behaviour recently. Like at Christmas I had bought my DHs ex sister in law (his brothers ex wife) a nice bottle of wine for Christmas. It was her favourite and she introduced me to it in her home country when we visited years ago. I scribbed the name down then and give her a bottle every christmas and birthday. Shes still on good terms with DHs family and there are DC involved so we are all pleasant and exchange gifts. I have 2 DDs that she buys for (she only has 1) so I tend to spend a tiny bit more on her gift than she does us and get her a £15 bottle. My DM saw it on my table ready to be wrapped and said "oh no, thats far too good for her, she wont appreciate it. i will swap it for a bottle of prosecco i got given at my church raffle and i will take this". I said no, its my gift and Its up to me how much I spend etc. I dont think ExSIL likes prosecco (whereas I know this is her favourite), plus DM has only ever met EX-SIL in passing so has no reason to say this. I refused anyway and then DM showed up a few days later with her prosecco and went on again about how ex sil "wouldnt appreciate it" and doesnt put this much effort into the gift she buys me. Yes, I agree she doesnt put much effort in. However this is the case with most people I find, and I get such enjoyment out of buying gifts and wrapping them, that I don't actually care what other people do! I give to give - not to receive. She was desperate for me not to give the wine though. Yet shes seen the same wine being given other years and not said a word. And I gave her a few bottles of it last year (I have to get it imported in the case) and I know for a fact she gave a bottle to her neighbour and one to her gardener for christmas. So its good enough for them but not my EX Sil.

Im wondering if there is something more going on. She is getting very involved in every gift decision I make recently. She is supportive on the whole and very helpful in everyday life. But its always to do with gifts she gets very funny. (for the record she gets M&S gift vouchers from us for gifts as there is never anything she wants but she buys her clothes from there - so I don't think its jealousy).

@gimbleInTheWabe & @motoko good luck to her then, because all it does is wind me up! to be fair i tried to let it go and thought "its just a bloody bag". but it upset me so much that she felt she had the right to choose someone wasnt going to receive something as they basically didnt deserve it, that i had to say something. so i wont be letting it lie.

she has ignored my message asking why she did it and what the problem with my wrapping was and rang me this morning to say "have a lovely holiday". no mention of it. but i can see its been read. She will now not say anything till she sees me and then go "oh i saw your message, what do you mean? i didnt do that. im so sorry to have got involved i was only trying to help" and play confused.

This reminds me of the thread about the MIL who opened all the presents and kept stuff from the gifts. It was a thread near Christmas I think. Now I'm wondering if your DM and this MIL are the same person. If they aren't the same person maybe your DM could get together with the odd MIL and form a Gift Fuckery Club?

Wierd one. It’s so petty and such a strange thing to do. Would annoy me too op

Yep it's definitely weird.... do people get wackier as they age, I wonder....

Is she actually ok? Has she always been like this? Is there a pattern of behaviour change? This is really quite odd behaviour.

How old is DM OP? Wondering if She's an age for Alzheimer's to kick in as it can start with weird things like this.

temptation I hope it's not quite the same level, as that thread has had a recent update of the nature!! (As in, having gone NC with the ILs, ILs reported them as "missing persons" for not getting on contact).

MyMum I do get what you are saying, enjoying the process of buying and wrapping more so than expecting similar back, and resenting your DM's interference. I hope you DO enjoy the holiday, and at least your DSis is aware now that you did try!

@thetemptationofchocolate do you have the link for that, I didnt see it? and my DM is a MIL! haha @ GFC

@MyKingdomForBrie & @MadRainbow She is just turned 60 recently. So could be ill. Its just so wierd. Shes always been a bit interfering but always heart in the right place. Shes always had an opinion but never tried to force it. Now its like shes actually bitter towards people she has no need to be. like my DS. they get on fantastically and shes always saying how good my DS is doing with her daughter etc! so why would you say something (the bag) is essentially too good for her. Its such a harsh statement. Its almost like shes pissed off at people. but for no reason. After we had the bag conversation the other day and she repeatedly said "ooooh, im so sorry, i know i shouldnt have touched it" over and over and over (without me prompting or even mentioning it) she did say she was getting worse and "just couldnt help myself. i was trying to help and thought you could save your pretty bag and she could have the lion bag". i did suggest "wrap your gift in the lion bag then if you like it" (it was god awful, i will try to take a photo). but she didnt answer. So I really dont know. She is getting strange. Also she didnt use the bag for her gift - so clearly didnt like it that much!

Does anyone have any idea about alzheimers? I have no idea and (ignorantly) thought you just forgot things and got confused. which she does both of those things, more and more. Would touching peoples things and getting involved be maybe something you would do? and if so, why? Like whats the point of doing it in their head? She recently does a lot "trying to help". or making decisions for people.

Its only just occured to me, saying making decisions.....at christmas my DB was visiting her from overseas (he lives 16 hours flight away). My DSis (the one involved in this story!) rang the house phone (his mobile was having issues) and asked when she could make the trip up and see him and his DD. I only found out after my DB left but my DM decided my DB "didnt have time" to see her, and never passed the message on, while stringing my DS along and only then going "oh hes gone" when he had!! So wierd. Still dont know if my DB even knows my DS wanted to see him! (i kept my head down and out of it)

@BiddyPop Thank you! I know its ridiculous because im going on holiday but I hate conflict and feel all uptight/prickly because of this.

I only know from my DNan and she's had it for nearly 10 years so my memory might be a bit sketchy.

She started showing symptoms (we didn't twig immediately) when she was about 70ish and it was things like her bills, most were on Direct Debit but the odd ones that weren't she suddenly started ignoring or forgetting about. My DM would visit and find the letters in a draw. DNan has always been so on top of these things, even with her anxiety she would never not pay them so it was really out of character.

We decided to move her closer to us and she went through assessment but during that year or 2 alone things started getting strange. She got very money conscious, accusing me (the favourite DGC) of stealing her money; that was a nightmare with the rest of the family. She suddenly became a very nervous and therefore dangerous driver. She'd always been so houseproud but suddenly wasn't doing anything - she became lethargic easily. In hindsight moving her accelerated a lot of this but she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's much quicker for it. I will also mention this, though it happened a bit later for DNan, she became very aggressive at one point. Threatened to hit My Aunt but She's never been violent (though a bit spiteful)

There is so much literature online that can explain it far better than I can but the first port of call is definitely getting a GP appointment.

I'm not sure how to do a link but it's called 'To cut off MIL for stealing?', I've just read the update. Jaw dropping and yes, that one's gone a lot further. Don't think it can be OP's mum.

If your mum is 60, has she recently given up work and is finding that her time is being spent now doing stuff like this? Perhaps she thinks she is doing something nice (even though it is unwarranted and unnecessary) and all she is doing is annoying people around her?
I would be very disappointed if my mum started doing the stuff you're saying your mum is doing now. It's as though she doesn't think I'm capable of buying a gift or wrapping a gift or whatever. All that you asked her to do was deliver the gift, not re-wrap it. She could be nosy too - checking out what you got so that her gift isn't less than yours.

Oh this would drive me round the bend as I also take pride in my gift giving and wrapping! I would have to sit my DM down and ask what gives

To cut off MIL for stealing

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3132211-To-cut-off-MIL-for-stealing

The thing with your brother sounds bloody awful. If I were your sister I would find that hard to forgive.

@madrainbow i see similarities. the being angry over nothing and the driving in particular. she has been forgetting things more the last few years and also turning up to things on the wrong days. will look into it, thanks.

@WhatchaMaCalllit she was in a stressful government office job but retired about 10 years ago. however her life has got "easier" (just less busy) recently so maybe she is just bored and interfering but trying to be nice like you say. YES its like im not capable! its just so insulting. especially when i genuinely cant see anything wrong with the way it was presented.

@queendaisy Thanks! off for a nose now :).

@tothappy yeah i didnt mention it because my DB would be furious with her for not passing his messages on and my DS would obviously feel pushed out and wonder why she was "kept away". At the time I didn't think anything of it. I was at her house when DS rang and heard the call but didnt think to mention it to DS (why would I - DM is more than capable of passing on a message). It was only when he went home I asked if she had been up and was told "no, i didnt think he would have time so i delayed it. she can see him next time". i did point out it was DBs choice and she just started her fretting and "ooooh" noises.

ANYWAY, thank you all for your help. It seemed such a petty issue but annoyed me so much. It was more the fact she had done it than what she had done. Glad to see the majority don't think im bonkers for whinging about a bow!!! have a lovely weekend everyone