Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Aibu to not have offered any money?

25 replies

Pinklady1982 · 14/02/2018 08:24

Morning all!

A lovely friend/Mum from my dd school very kindly looked after my dd yesterday, and did lots of activities and bought treats and stuff to paint etc. She had a lovely day.

I did buy a nice thing of m&s chocs as a thank you, but suddenly feeling guilty for not thinking to offer any money towards the activities she did with dd.

What is the norm in this instance? Would you expect a contribution? I’ve offered to return the favour any time.

Thanks

OP posts:

Grumpyoldblonde · 14/02/2018 08:28

If these activities were her idea and not really pre planned it's fine. You'll reciprocate another time.

I've always expected to pay if I decide to take kids to the cinema or whatever. If another mum wanted me to do that and asked if her child could come I'd expect her contribution.

jo10000 · 14/02/2018 08:29

I wouldn't expect it but would have offered it. If I had taken them out I wouldn't except the money if offered. It's not too late to offer if you feel bad.

NoSquirrels · 14/02/2018 08:31

If they’d gone out to e.g. soft play or cinema or lunch out, I’d probably offer (& usually be refused). But if I was the parent hosting, I absolutely wouldn’t expect to be offered any money or think anything if it that you didn’t- I’d have enjoyed the chocs.

So don’t stress about it - if I were the other parent I’d prefer the offer if a return favour, to be honest.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 14/02/2018 08:33

I would just reciprocate and take her dd out for the day soon

NoFucksImAQueen · 14/02/2018 08:36

Looked after or invited your dd? I think that's the difference

ChasedByBees · 14/02/2018 08:37

I would either offer now or make sure you reciprocate soon.

FizzyCherry · 14/02/2018 08:48

If it was me, I would message and say “Thanks again for yesterday, DD had a lovely time! I totally forgot to ask, how much do I owe you for craft stuff etc?”
She will probably say nothing, but at least you have then offered. The day after is perfectly acceptable, especially when as part of a thank you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/02/2018 08:48

You need to reciprocate as you didn’t offer any money to pay for the goodies. An “anytime” offer to return the favour isn’t remotely the same as fixing a firm day/time.

Clandestino · 14/02/2018 08:53

When I have a kid for a playdate it's always my treat. I pay for the trampoline centre, ice-cream, drinks, lunch, whatever else. Other parents do the same, never had a parent telling me to pay any money for the cinema etc. I always offered though.

LuluJakey1 · 14/02/2018 08:55

I would just offer now, say 'I am so sorry. I forgot to give you the money for DD's lovely activitis you were so kind to take her to yesterday.'

Redpony1 · 14/02/2018 08:56

If it was me, I would message and say “Thanks again for yesterday, DD had a lovely time! I totally forgot to ask, how much do I owe you for craft stuff etc?”
She will probably say nothing, but at least you have then offered. The day after is perfectly acceptable, especially when as part of a thank you.

I'd do this it's not too late

Original poster

Pinklady1982 · 14/02/2018 08:58

Thanks all. She new I was struggling for childcare due to work, and kindly offered to have her over for the day, but I didn’t know she would take them out to buy stuff to do, and didn’t find out until I picked dd up after work. There may already be a couple of days she has in mind to take me up on my offer, so I will definitely be returning the favour :)

OP posts:

LuluJakey1 · 14/02/2018 08:59

Sorry, wording not right. How about 'Thanks so much again for yesterday. DD had a lovely time. Please let me contribute something towards all the paints and craft stuff you used. Must have cost you a fortune and I'd really like to contribute.'

WellTidy · 14/02/2018 09:03

I would send the text that fizzy suggested, but I honestly don't think she will expect you to contribute. I wouldn't, if the situation was reversed. If we have a child over, I would always expect to pay for anything they did, ate etc. Its nice that you can help each other out once in a while.

Nanna50 · 14/02/2018 09:03

It depends on many things, how did it arise, who asked who sort of thing and was this a play date where your DD was invited around without you or was it child care while you were at work or busy?

How often do you look after each others children or have play dates and how likely is it or how soon will you be returning the favour?

wonkylegs · 14/02/2018 09:05

It really does depend on the person, one of my friends got really offended when I tried to give her money towards a very generous day out with the kids - she seemed to think I was insinuating she couldn't afford it. So since then I have either taken a token gift or arranged soon after a nice day out on me but I am very careful how I offer and word that offer.

Nanna50 · 14/02/2018 09:07

Sorry, ignore me, crossed post.

Viviennemary · 14/02/2018 09:11

If you asked her to have your DD then you certainly should have offered to cover the activities but if she had invited your DD out for the day then that's different. Asking somebody to be a childminder for the day unpaid isn't usually on except if a person offers or is a close friend or relative.

Original poster

Pinklady1982 · 14/02/2018 09:12

ITs ok Nanna :) it’s the first time I have let anyone look after dd apart from family, and I’ve never looked after anyone else’s children for the day, so just not sure of the norm and what expectations there are.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinklady1982 · 14/02/2018 09:13

She offered, I would never have asked. I was going to put dd into a school club.

OP posts:

coffeeforone · 14/02/2018 09:14

I wouldn’t offer cash, I would just return the favour

Original poster

Pinklady1982 · 14/02/2018 09:19

Sorry to drip, but thought it relevant to clarify that by activities, I meant painting, arts and crafts, games etc at home :)

OP posts:

PenelopeFlintstone · 14/02/2018 09:25

If it was just craft stuff at home then there's no need for money at all. It would be a bit OTT in my opinion.
Movies out etc, I'd offer but she'll say no. Nice to offer though.

SheSellSeaShells · 14/02/2018 09:26

I would have offered if I knew they were going out somewhere but its usually refused. I always pay when I take my kids friends out for the day for lunch and activities and never accept any money that's offered. I always send some treats with them to share.

Blackteadrinker77 · 14/02/2018 09:31

I would just want you to offer her DD a play date in return.

Flip