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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I feel guilty? Dating as a single parent

17 replies

DusktilDawn · 13/02/2018 20:40

I need the brutality of AIBU for this one.. I don't know whether I'm being selfish and neglecting my parenting duties or whether I deserve a life too.

I'm a single parent to dd (3) and have been since she was 6 months old, her dad lives and works abroad so he comes back once in a blue moon. I have very little support in terms of family, and basically my friends are my family. My next door neighbour is a lovely woman who has kindly looked after my dd on the odd occasion and is happy to do so.

So recently, I've been dating someone and my neighbour has offered to babysit while I go on a date. She also looked after dd when I went on a date last week too. So why do I feel like I'm putting myself before dd? I feel like I should be at home, not potentially wasting time on a man when it's just been me and dd for the past 3 years. I suffer with anxiety and worry to death about being irresponsible when it comes to dd.

What's the verdict from mumsnet? Am I being selfish?

OP posts:
TheCatsPaws · 13/02/2018 20:42

YANBU. You deserve a life too. I used to go on one night out a week when my baby was little and DP and I had just started dating.

You’re a better parent when you have some time to yourself too.

LittleLights · 13/02/2018 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YetAnotherUser · 13/02/2018 20:48

What's the other option, stay celibate until DD is 18?

Give yourself a break, none of us is just a parent, we're people too.

notgivingin789 · 13/02/2018 20:54

What's the other option, stay celibate until DD is 18?

This made me chuckle. But it’s so true.

Original poster
DusktilDawn · 13/02/2018 20:55

I just feel like I'm trying to spread myself out in every direction, and because I like this guy I've been dating it's like I don't feel like I deserve to be happy Confused. Part of me wants to just put a stop to it so that things are back to normal and it's just me and dd.

OP posts:
Original poster
DusktilDawn · 13/02/2018 20:56

That post contained way too many 'likes'. I do apologise.

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 13/02/2018 20:57

Yanbu. I was single for 3 years after breaking up with DDs dad and I can honestly say she’s much happier since I’ve been happy with new DP. He is good to both of us, but I feel she gets the most benefit from ME being happier. As long as your neighbour doesn’t mind then put yourself first a couple of times a week. Why not? X

Snowydaysarehere · 13/02/2018 20:58

Imo the biggest thing your dd needs is a happy dm!! You are still you not just a dm!!

Dancingfairy · 13/02/2018 21:04

I know people who started dating from when their baby was a couple of weeks old. She's 3 it's fine.

whiteroseredrose · 13/02/2018 21:04

The only thing I'd be cautious about is his impact on your DD. My DSis has awful taste in men. Unfortunately the last ended up moving in within 5 months as my sis was still in the honeymoon period. And he wasn't great with her DD. Thankfully he's gone now but it could have been awful.

Neverender · 13/02/2018 21:07

Absolutely not. Be happy Flowers

Blackteadrinker77 · 13/02/2018 21:12

I just feel like I'm trying to spread myself out in every direction

Hope you didn't tell your date that. might get his hopes up Wink

I find if parents are happy children tend to be.

misscph1973 · 13/02/2018 21:18

You're a little scared of change and of falling for this guy, aren't you? I think you might regret it if you don't go for it.

Cookiefiend · 13/02/2018 21:20

YANBU though my only caveat is that you mustn't as a PP has said quickly introduce new people who come and go- only introduce them to DD when you are certain this is a long term relationship.

I adore my mother who was single all of my childhood, but I do wish she had found a new partner as I worried about her when I was away with my dad and I worry about her being lonely now. Good luck! You deserve to be happy and your DD will be happier for it.

ToastyFingers · 13/02/2018 21:33

If your Neighbor is trustworthy, and your daughter enjoys being babysat by her then why not? My sister met her now husband as a single mother to a 2 year old so I think as long as you're not introducing the new bloke to your little one any time soon then it's fine. You have to have a life too!

Original poster
DusktilDawn · 13/02/2018 21:43

Oh I wouldn't introduce people to dd unless it was very, very serious so that isn't an issue. I am scared of change and I'm definitely scared of falling for him even though it's early days - I'm so used to it just being the two of us and this is completely new territory. I do trust my neighbour, she's become a very close friend. I had a bit of a wobble wondering whether it was ok for her to babysit with her not being family but if I waited for family to babysit then I'd never leave the house on my own again.

OP posts:
GrannyGrissle · 14/02/2018 09:56

I understand how you feel OP. If you've been let down badly before, presumably by DDs Dad and ended up as a lone parent it's no surprise you feel confused and anxious and your confidence has taken a beating.
See new chap as a bit of fun and light hearted and just enjoy yourself in the here and now. He might be 'the one' or just the one who gets you back into socialising.
You sound like a fab Mother and of course you deserve to have a social (and sex) life! Sensibly you have no intention of introducing DD to new chap or jumping in too deep so just enjoy some down time and adult company! and don't forget the odd box of chocs/bunch of flowers/home bakes to thank neighbour and keep her sweet Grin

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