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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask people to buggar off on my birthday.

22 replies

Gigimoll · 13/02/2018 16:41

I think I'm struggling with depression quite bad. My dd is still young so not too bothered about doing anything for mine or hers.
My dp won't even get me a card so that's out the window of celebration and any money I get will go on bills.
My mom wants to celebrate but I've told her to go out with my stepdad instead and celebrate for me as I don't want to.
I don't want gifts. I don't want cards and I don't want people around my home. Especially being at that point 39 weeks pregnant and fed up.

I think the thought of a gift now with how worthless I feel would bring me to tears anyway and want to hide.
Is this unreasonable? It just seems to be more for others than me. Although they mean well and it's lovely of them, I don't want a fuss. I just want to stay in bed and cry and sleep

OP posts:

Original poster

Gigimoll · 13/02/2018 16:42

My mom reacted quite badly at me not wanting to go out is why I ask.

OP posts:

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/02/2018 16:44

Go out with your mum and stepdad . If you don't want gifts ask for flowers or plants that's what I do. See a GP about your low mood. Why won't your dp buy you a card? How do you know he won't?

MoistCantaloupe · 13/02/2018 16:46

It's perfectly fine to want to have a birthday alone, but this doesn't sound like it's coming from a healthy place i.e. A day to wallow alone rather than a day to relax alone. I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. Like PP says above, maybe see the GP? What if your mum and stepdad come over instead, is that easier?

Original poster

Gigimoll · 13/02/2018 16:49

He never does. It was my 21st last march and I didn't get a card from him or even a gift. He said he had no money and couldn't even afford £1 bunch of daffodils from the shop around the corner. But then he bought himself food whilst we were out. Didn't get a card at Xmas either or even a gift. Yet he expects things from me. He has an xbox from me for Christmas and there was me all hopeful on the day he'd gotten me something. Nope. Then he lost his job so the xbox put me in debt.
Not even my dad bothered with my birthday the past two years but even he expects things from me.

I think that's why I have such low hope for this year and just don't want it to happen.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gigimoll · 13/02/2018 16:50

No :( they just get at me that dp didn't bother. Year after year. Like valentines day tomorrow, they've asked what dp is doing. (my mom gets showered with flowers, bought things etc) and they're so disappointed with him. They know how I feel. They offered to pay for us to go out for valentines day but I've refused. Why should they fit the bill he can't be bothered to do?

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 13/02/2018 17:09

So the issue is not your birthday.

The issue is your lazy scrouging selfish arse of a DP.

How about for a birthday present to yourself you unplug the xbox, pack a bag, drop the xbox at the pawnbrokers and head to your mum and stepdad's for a bit of fussing? Maybe you won't even want to go back home. Maybe you shouldnt...

Original poster

Gigimoll · 13/02/2018 17:19

It's a lot. But I just don't want the fuss and my mom has raged about it and she can't understand why.
It's him who needs to lesve. My dad owns the house and it's my childhood home but it's complicated. I'm just worried because people go to so much effort and I don't want them to anymore

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 13/02/2018 17:27

OP can't you see how far down you are and how baldly you need to get out of your relationship?

I guarantee that your Parents want you to end this relationship.

If things drip down any further, who is going to care for your children?

You need to be honest with your MW and get support.

Your reasons for not throwing him out are ridiculous.

Birdsgottafly · 13/02/2018 17:28

Oh and give yourself (and your children) the best present ever, and dump him.

Original poster

Gigimoll · 13/02/2018 17:30

The reasons are my babies would be going miles every week on 3 buses to his nans house. Once she dies, he will be homeless cause he can't get off his arse. I don't want them around any of that. I want them in my sight all the time and if I kick him out. He can't take them as babies but eventually they'd have to go and I can't do that. It's not fair of them to do it.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 13/02/2018 17:44

Would he want them? He does nothing now.

You could pick up your life within two years, be working, have a car etc.

With him you are only going downhill.

You can't stay in a shit relationship getting more and more depressed because of possible contact arrangements in the future.

Its going to be no time at all before they are in Nursery etc.

GrannyGrissle · 13/02/2018 17:56

You poor love please focus on now not on what MIGHT happen by way of contact in the future. Go and see the Doctor urgently you sound seriously depressed. There are anti depressants you can take while pregnant then with your parents help please leave your sack of shit bloke. Being a lone parent will be bliss compared to what you are going through (emotional abuse at the very least). You are you enough to start again several times over. Do not settle for this you deserve so much more.

pinkyredrose · 14/02/2018 09:35

Please get rid of your horrible boyfriend. I'd kick him out today if i were you. I bet your depression would lift if he were no longer around dragging you down.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 14/02/2018 09:42

Darling, you can't stay with him forever so that your babies don't ever have to visit him without you.
I think you are giving him too much credit - I suspect he would drop out of their lives very quickly, because doing anything else requires effort on his part!

Please ask your mum and step dad for help. I think your mum is probably desperate to help you get rid of him. Think about your babies - would you want someone like your 'd'p for them, when they grow up?

I guarantee your mood will be better once you have a life away from him. He is why you are depressed.

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 14/02/2018 09:49

I very very rarely say this but please kick him out. He's not adding anything remotely good to your life & is just dragging you down further. Yes it'll be hard at first but in the long run yours & your children's lives will be better. Don't be afraid to ask your family for help. Also speak to your gp & hv to see what advice & support they can offer you.

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 14/02/2018 10:14

OP, Kick him out. I bet your depression would be at least a little better once he's gone. And don't worry about his future, that's not your problem. And I don't think you need to be the one trekking for him to see the DCs (if that's why you think you'd be going to his nan's). He can see the DCs at your place.

He doesn't put effort in now, so I really wouldn't expect him to make efforts as the DCs grow.

Yes, it'll be hard to start with, on your own, but it does get better.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 14/02/2018 14:39

Do not marry this man.

JustDanceAddict · 14/02/2018 14:44

You’re 22 and need to get out of this relationship, baby or no baby. If he treats you this way, thibknof what he’ll be like with a baby in the equation. I see you already have a DD, what’s he like with her?

SugarMiceInTheRain · 14/02/2018 17:46

I know it seems impossible when you're so depressed but you can get out of this relationship which is making you so desperately unhappy and a couple of years down the line your life would look so much brighter without this waste of space partner. Bet your children would be happier too. Don't waste any more of your youth and your future on him.

mogloveseggs · 14/02/2018 17:49

Oh op
He is not a good man. You are worth so much more. Please let your mum do something for you on your birthday even if only to show your dc that birthdays are special and worth celebrating

Thistlebelle · 14/02/2018 17:53

You bought him an Xbox and he bought you nothing?

Consider you position very carefully OP. There’s nothing about that situation that is good.

Your parents are right to be concerned.

Queenofthestress · 14/02/2018 18:02

Love, I'm not that much older than you with two littles, I'm 23, I felt absolute dread at kicking out my ex partner last may, horrifically stressed, depressed, footing the bill for everything including his alcohol and weed habit, there's actually a couple threads on here about it

I gotta say the first month was hard, it was awful, I was so stressed I was crying all the time when the kids went to bed, but then it was like I had a new lease on life. The kids were happier, I was happier, more so, I was in control. I called the shots on how he made me feel, not him. There was no one there to carry on screaming or shouting at me, I knew exactly how I was going to afford the bills and where every single penny went. It was bloody amazing. I woke up one day and felt better than I had done in a year and half. He leeched the life and happiness out of me and that's what your fella has done to you.

Use your support network and get rid of him. He won't bother with the kids, he won't bother you. My ex only bothers because of his batshit insane mother.

Damn that's long. Pm me if you want to, I've just been through this myself.

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