To be so worried I’m losing all my friends

[openbluewater]

Hi, I don’t know if anyone can relate or understand.

I didn’t have many friends at school. I came from a troubled background and I got a bit of bullying: nothing that really affects me now but it meant I didn’t really have any solid sort of base of school friends.

Up until about eighteen months ago, I had some good friendships - two women I worked with in my first job which was in the early 2000s who I was close to and we’d seen each other through various life changes, remarriages and so on. A couple of friends from college. One friend I was still in touch with from school and one from university.

This is awful but while I haven’t fallen out with any of them I’m not close to any of them any more. The women I used to work with -one has retired and is in a different phase of life and is also a grandma. The other has remarried and her second husband is horrible. My friends from college -one has emigrated and although we keep in touch on social media it’s difficult to properly discuss anything somehow. The other I feel differently about since I went out for her birthday and some of her friends were really rude to me and she didn’t stick up for me.

My school friend has a baby and the baby goes wherever she goes and she only ever talks to the baby, interrupts me speaking to speak to the baby, if she does deign to talk to me at all talks to me about the baby. Even if it’s something quite sensitive. My university friend is lovely but lives at the other end of the country.

I feel a bit like Oscar Wilde where losing one might be a coincidence and yet all of them is crazy.

I don’t know. Has anyone else experienced this?

Sorry for typos. Out walking the dog.

I was just giving example of things you could do. There are other things of course, reading clubs, pottery classes, anything that you would like to do. If you don't like something then try something else.

But I think you will need to do something different if you want things to change, possibly get out of your 'comfort zone'.

yes, like you I find friends move on, so one always has to be making new ones. I'm not good at getting to know people in social situations, so what works for me is getting involved in the organisation of whatever I'm doing., especially admin work which I'm good at and help with admin is always hugely appreciated. Once you're involved in organisation you're working closely with people, some of whom may become friends.

"Yes, I know why mums clump together, thank you"

That was a bit arsey, people are only trying to be understanding and helpful.

Not all mums seek out mum mates. I didn't and know others who don't. For me it's more about interests. Fine, you can't face rambling or have a dog or go on group hols, but what are you interested in? What things could you have in common with other people? It's honestly much easier if it's things you've chosen - like film, theatre, sport or whatever - than arbitrary stuff like school or being a mum which are just circumstance.

I also think it's worth trying to let go of the narrative around how you were at school and how that informs you now, if it's not proving helpful. Lots of people had a bad time at school and it can make us think that's who we are for life, especially if we keep repeating it to ourselves. Not saying this is what you do, only got this thread and my own experience to go on of how negativity can grow - and positivity can too.

A positive attitude & a bit less ‘poor me’ would be a good place to start. We’ve all got stories and a past and for a lot of us the stories, especially childhood ones are a bit shit.

Only you can choose to not let that influence the present. What are you interested in? You’ve mentioned a lot of things you aren’t interested in but there must be some things you are. My sister moved to a new area - like you her friendships had often been transient. She started a group (specific interest) on Meetup - also joined a few & is now being more sociable than I’ve seen her in years. Being positive & pro-active is the key it seems. Alternatively choose to stay the same..

Just really popped in to say I thought Trampire was being lovely and very helpful, thought I did get the sense you might have been interpreting her posts less positively than they came across to me, openbluewater.

I am sympathetic to your situation, OP but I can't help wondering if what appears to me as a slightly defensive take on things comes across in real life as well.

Perhaps you are more comfortable one to one than in group situations. I think the rambling idea is a great one, (they don't all start at silly o'clock) where, ok, you meet up in a group, but you walk alone or next to one or two people and conversation naturally happens as you notice the budding spring hedgerows all around, and the birds chirruping. It is uplifting on a sunny day and you can talk as much or as little as you want. Just a smile and passing the time of day with people helps me feel engaged with the wider world. From that, over time, friendships develop.

Are you artistic or do you like to be active or fancy learning a musical instrument? There are loads of opportunities once you look about. Local art demonstrations, ukulele beginner groups, circle dancing, Morris Dancing (don't groan, it can be fun.), learn a language, take up pottery (oh, someone already suggested that), attend a cooking class, gardening, writing groups, book club.

If you can hone in on your interests and dive in you will meet people who share those interests and from there friendships will grow naturally. Someone suggested Meet Ups which is a great idea - they have meet-ups for practically everything, and it's nothing to do with dating or match-making.

You do have to be open to people, think the best of them... and smile and say hello. From there like someone else said, you can arrange to meet for coffee in town etc. Friendships evolve from sharing the minutia of day to day experiences, and grow on from there.

And don't rule anyone out for any reason - some of my friends are in their late 70's and we have a great laugh together and I benefit from their lifetime of experiences.

You sound lonely and sad out of your own doing.

No point reaching back into your history with a woe is me attitude, that was then, this is now.

You need to laugh off the bad clothes. I had similar with only having brightly coloured 70's cast offs from a neighbour's older dd when everybody else was wearing drainpipes: cringeing.

Friends move on, have dc, show their true colours: that's life.

You sound like boring, miserable company with nothing interesting going on in your life and no hobbies.

How about looking in the mirror, forcing yourself to smile at yourself even if it makes you feel silly doing it.

Then set about changing your attitude? You hate rambling and your life doesn't suit a dog so how about offering to walk other people's dogs?

How about going on hostel bookers and looking up all the wonderful places you can stay in cities, countryside, mountains and towns in the UK and abroad for a couple of nights at weekends that are ideal for single people and are usually well kept and clean?

This will give yourself something to look forward to.

Join the National Trust perhaps?

Have you looked at local book clubs or theatre/gardening clubs?

Life is what you make it. You only have one life so don't waste it. If you are feeling down/depressed/have no interest in anything and you think you might be depressed make an appointment with your gp.

Sorry to be harsh op but you need to be proactive not wallow.

Be the person you'd like to be friends with.

Good luck

Oh dear, I’m so sorry if my tone has been misinterpreted! I promise I wasn’t posting with anything but a pleasant, friendly ‘voice’ in my head, but evidently that hasn’t translated too well!

Fluffy - I wasn’t delving back into my history, particularly. I was just trying to explain that I didn’t have any friends from school, not because I’m naturally socially awkward or anything but unfortunately when you are a teenager these things matter and it was always very hard or even impossible to join in with things for a whole host of reasons.

Lizzie, I do understand what you and others were doing It’s just that doing activities isn’t really enough in my experience: you need to have something that bonds you to others. Often that’s work, or having babies the same age, or a shared history. A shared interest, especially a vague one, isn’t enough, as people tend to go because of the interest not to make friends.

Trampire it did sound a little bit (only a tiny bit) as if the inference was that I was a shy person who spent the day having people approach me and rebuffing them I’m not, and nor am I remotely arsed what people said to me over twenty years ago. I’d probably have bullied me too, I looked like a dickhead. It wasn’t my fault, but I did look like a dickhead!

You sound like boring, miserable company with nothing interesting going on in your life and no hobbies.

Ouch, Fluffy! You might have phrased that a bit more gently!

OP - I'm in the same boat. We recently moved towns and I'm finding it hard to make new friends. I've been so flakey with my older friends that they've all but given up! Argh! So I completely empathise.

Soeey if this has been covered, but are you open to joining a social group? It doesn't have to be rambling, it can be something you're really into. For example, I learned to play poker and used to meet a local group every week for a couple of games. That led me to making a lovely friend and loads of acquaintances.

What about your neighbours? What are they like?

You will have to do something, if you'd like to widen your social circle, but it won't have to be much.

I get it's difficult OP.
I have 3 friends from School who I semi keep in touch with, we meet 2/3 times a year which is great but they all have dc now and are stay at home mums so in a totally different life stage from me, I feel like the 3 of them are becoming closer and i'm being wormed out, not intentionally just the way it seems to be.
Same situation with people i used to work with, i worked in a hospital environment for 7 years with many women all similar ages/life stages to myself and formed a close friendship with many of them, 2 in particular but they still work together and i'm in a one man band (predominantly older male environment) again feeling like that friendships are slowly fizzling out.
I do think it's a totally natural thing for friends to come and go as everyone's life goes through different stages but i'm finding a lot of friendships are coming to an end but i'm not in situations where new friendships are forming.
If it's bothering you i think the key is to find hobbies you enjoy and then you're likely to meet people with similar interests that you're likely to form friendships with

Lolz. Sometimes I am boring and miserable! But do understand, it’s when I’m alone. I’m never like this with people.

However, and being totally honest here, it’s a bit shit always having to be a ray of sunshine because otherwise your friends will fuck off

The problem with hobbies is that people are going because of their interest in the hobby, not to make friends, if you follow me.

The point we're making is that when you find something you enjoy doing, you become a happy person to be around and have a laugh with the others. Then you can go for a drink together afterwards. It widens your social circle IYSWIM.

And even if you don't make close friends, you're becoming a more rounded person that people will enjoy being around.

Lizzie thank you but this isn’t the case, it isn’t as simple as that. I am a very positive person, which is why I make friends wherever I go. But that’s not exactly what I’m posting about here.

this happens a lot as people get older and their lives go in different directions. Is there a chance you could reconnect with your friends? The friend with the baby - what about suggesting a concert or afternoon tea in a hotel, something child free? Or the friend who didn't stick up for you - have you spoken to her about what happened and how you feel or is she unaware? Just thinking that it does seem as though you have friends, nobody after a certain age has a big crowd of mates or a constant stream of new ones. sometimes it's worth while working on the friendships you already have.

I know what you mean mum

We haven’t fallen out or anything, but we are no longer close, which is sadder in a way.

in that case maybe it would be worth making a move to reconnect even if you don't feel it should be up to you to do it, if she was in the wrong

I have a friend who I have known for years and sometimes we're close and other times we hardly talk. She travels a lot.but one of us always ends up sending a message or offering to meet up and it keeps the friendship going, I'd be sorry to lose her forever

i don't know how often you talk to your friends but maybe send them all a nice message on social media and ask them how they are or suggest plans to meet up if possible. You might be surprised with how it turns out. Worth a try before spending pennies on joining hobby groups!

"The problem with hobbies is that people are going because of their interest in the hobby, not to make friends, if you follow me."

That's really not been my experience at all. You must've got unlucky so don't give up. How do you think other people make friends? It's honestly not all from school or work. It's from choirs, drama groups, book clubs, the whole gamut, and many people are there seeking companionship and connections, not just because they want to sing a song then leave, or discount you if you don't have kids. Especially with voluntary work, my experience has been that people are giving up their time because they are passionate about feeding the homeless (or whatever) and there's a lot of warmth and sharing that leads to friendships. Definitely don't give up. Try different things, stay open. You don't have to be a ray of sunshine. Just keep casting your net until you make a few catches....

I made a very close friend at pottery class. I didn't go there to make friends, but it just happened naturally. So don't dismiss doing things like that. It is a negative way of thinking.
In fact, everything people have suggested, you've dismissed, so it's not surprising you're finding it hard to make friends, because you're not willing to try anything that might help.
If all you do is go to work and then go home, you're not going to be in any situations where you meet new people.

One of my friends met her best friend in a hot tub in a spa -I guess you never know where you’ll meet a close friend.
I’ve made quite few close friends through sports clubs-yes I went for the interest but soon found people I clicked with.

There’s no reason for you not to still be friends with the people you’ve mentioned above-the older one-surely you still have shared interests and memories?
The one with the horrible husband-maybe she needs you more than ever?
The one who lives miles away-make the effort to meet up in the middle
The baby one sounds like a pain but should only be a short lived phase-or why not call her on it? You’ve got nothing to lose.

On re-reading your original post I am wondering why the friendships you did seem to value have fallen by the wayside.

Your retired friend (ex colleague) who is 'in a different phase of life' and a grandma - why do you think that friendship has changed. It doesn't need to. Think of it from her point of view - you are still out there in the big wide world, she probably loves having a younger friend who is still fully in society. She might feel that since retiring her friends have fallen by the wayside - that is very common and requires effort to maintain friendships when life changes for either one. She might be a grandma but that doesn't change her need for her friends. You might bring a refreshing burst of vitality, and she might be missing that / you.

The other friend whose 2nd husband is horrible. What has that to do with your friendship? You were friends before he came along, you can be friends now. She might need your support if he really isn't very nice. Trips out to garden centre tea rooms are a great way to keep these sort of friendships blooming.

Retired people can feel lonely and miss the buzz they used to get by meeting people and making friends through work. You say you come across as a positive person, so they may well be missing your friendship but a lack of confidence (common when people's life changes, like in retirement) is preventing them from being as close to you as they were in the past. They might think you are too busy! Also, maybe open up to them about how you are feeling. Friendships thrive on honestly and confidences. If you feel the need to be positive all the time when in fact you are not, people pick up on that, and sense you are not being authentic.

As you seem resistant to suggestions to move forward and make new friends, and as your post was specifically about the friends you appear to be losing / missing, perhaps put some renewed energy into re-connecting with your existing / old friends and turning those friendships around. Good luck.

Pink. I think a lot of people don’t necessarily need a lot of friends. If you have a husband, children, a sibling, two parents, in laws and colleagues then you probably don’t need many friends.

I did voluntary work until recently but I don’t find I make friends as there are different people on the shifts every week and so you can work with one person and not see them again for months.

Mum, it’s not about who was right and who was wrong. It’s just we’ve grown apart.

Op I wasn't bullied at school and had plenty of friends but only properly in touch with 2 of those now. Life happens to people and friendships drift without meaning to. It's nothing personal and not related to having few friends at school.
You have to do things now: book groups, meetup things, yoga, running, Zumba, choir, whatever. You will meet people in your current phase of life but you have to put the effort in somewhere as people you already know will drift

Have you got a local Women's Institute op? They can be a good source of meeting people of all ages, and run activities - no direct experience but people tell me it's good fun.

Another suggestion is could you join a choir (if you choose one that says on the website that they go to the pub after rehearsals that should be a good pointer to the ones that are more social!)

I think many friendships do fade out, and we look back and think why? but the reality is that people weave in and out of our lives. Keep in e-mail touch with the old ones where you can of course, but losing touch doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong.

"The friend with the baby - what about suggesting a concert or afternoon tea in a hotel, something child free?"

I think that could be tricky if she's very baby-focused at the mo. It'll change when the DC is a bit older, maybe two-ish, but unless she seems like she wants to do child-free stuff, I'd do the minimum for now and wait till she re-emerges from the bubble. I wouldn't have had any fun doing child-free stuff, not with my first baby at least.I remember a friend who didn't get that I couldn't ignore the baby to listen to her and I was as irritated by her as no doubt she was by me. It's a selfish time, in a sense, so you prob just have to ride that one out and seek out new opportunities.

Ps I made one of my good friends in a library. We were both looking in the same section and chatted a bit, discovered we did a degree in the same (minority) subject and then got chatting. We're still friends 4 years later. Talk to people wherever you go