Gyanecologist review, worried

[1543monday]

I know I'm being daft. I've had gynae treatment regularly since I was about 16 years old and internals from a very young age. Dozens of scans etc. I should be at the stage where I don't care anymore but I'm so worried. Had a long post on here about handling mistreatment over the years in which I was advised to make an official complaint, which I havent found the confidence to do yet. Just sort of muddling along trying to block it out.

In past arrangements were made so only a specific GP or hospital staff did internals, and in hospital only if essential and if given something to relax me first. Have changed GP and hospital since as moved.

Its a male consultant, suppose that shouldn't make any difference, GP said if I want a female doctor I would be placed at back of the queue again, which isn't really a good idea. No one who can come with me unfortunately.

They did say a female nurse will be in the room but that worries me too , in the past have told me off for crying and told me to grow up, stop being silly, let doctor do what they need to etc. Or doctor and nurse hold a separate conversation above me.

Looked into advocacy as previously advised on here but because I have capacity , no learning disability or severe MH issues I wouldn't be entitled I don't think. It doesn't seem it anyway.

Appt is on Wed at 2.30, in a hospital I'm totally unfamiliar with, about 15 mins in a taxi (no idea about buses).

Would they think I'm silly if I phone reception tomorrow and ask to talk to one of the nurses , just to explain why I might be upset? Would they be used to that? Its the smell, paper, the chair and the phrases they use , its like going to the dentist but worse. Even if a nurse could just hold my hand.

I would say that you should do whatever you need to do to feel as comfortable as possible. The medical folk should understand and not want you to feel worried.
Would it help to write down the things that help you and to hand that over at the start of your appointment?
I am perfectly able to stand up for myself in any other circumstance but put me in a medical appointment and I struggle to speak and then tend to cry. I find having a little list of what I need helps us all e.g them to talk me through what they need to do and then through each thing as they do it. To not ask me things whilst staring between my legs but to walk round where I can see them etc.

I will do. I'm not sure what helps to be honest other than them stopping when I ask, talking to me and taking things at my pace. Will phone the clinic tomorrow and ask to speak to the nurses and see what they suggest. Will also wear a longer top as that's helped a bit in the past, feel less exposed.

Could you talk to your GP about your anxiety about this? Taking a small dose of diazepam or something similar (only if you wanted to) might help you to feel less panicked.

I went through something similar but less to what you’re going through and it really helped me.

I would advise you, as someone who went through similar feelings, to refuse to be examined by someone you don't feel comfortable with, given that it is so intimate.

I was basically assaulted by a midwife who did a cervical sweep with no warning. The pain of that assault means I still dread smear tests 21 years later. I cry. I absolutely dread them. When I had to have a colposcopy, the nurse was so, so kind at the initial appointment but she told me she had done the additional training because she was so sick of the way patients were treated by gynaecologists. Noone should tell you that you are being silly. It is horrible if you mind lying there while a stranger puts their fingers etc in you. Before that midwife, I never had a problem at all with internals.

Because of the kindness and support of that nurse, who told me that she didn't come to work to hurt people or upset them, and that as soon as I felt pain I should tell her, Ido feel that if I ever meet a shitty consultant, or just feel that they are insensitive, it is my right to stop at any point and ask for another appointment with someone who is better at their job.

So sorry you've both experienced similar

I'll phone GP in the morning, they're usually less than sympathetic unfortunately, but will see what they suggest to make things easier. Diazepam would be good maybe.

I think the worst thing I do is I try to silence myself and not say anything so its over faster , which makes me feel even more powerless. It's horrible.

Good luck

Thank you

No GP appointments and no answer at hospital clinic, but will put a brave face on and see how it goes. Haven't been told they will be doing anything specific beyond probably an internal and possibly scans. All of which I've had before. Will try to think of other more pleasant things and hopefully it's alright. Less than 24 hours and it'll be over thhankfully.

You could write a brief description of the situation to hand to the dr when you see him.

He didn't even tell me his name. Just said nothing they can do for me at all. Keep using implanon, vaginismus is just me and nothing anyone can do about that and why have I not even tried to have sex? Why am I on long term pain killers, should be able to cope without? Why haven't I had urology surgery yet? Failed speculum exam, bimanual and now really, very sore indeed. I wish I hadn't bothered really :(