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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Second wedding bridesmaids issue!

41 replies

Goodgonegirl · 11/02/2018 23:07

My fiancé and I are planning to get married next year. Second wedding for me, first for him. I would like a small wedding, immediate family only. He would like a few more guests. Fine, the dilema is bridesmaids.

I have a 19 year old daughter. I would like her to walk me down the isle. No other bridesmaids. But then he said his daughter should be included (14 year old), which I understand. Then if we were having two bridesmaids my neice (4 years old) also would expect to be included. So that means three bridesmaids in a very small wedding! 25 guests only, is this too much? How can I include everyone? Or not, without anyone being offended?

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 12/02/2018 08:01

It’s definitely not ‘too many’ even for a ‘small’ wedding.

You definitely have to include both daughters.

Personally I’d have someone else walk me down the aisle and have both daughters as bridesmaids. The way I look at is that your daughter isn’t ‘giving you away’, you’re joining together with DP & his DD. I think that’s quite important.

Let the little one join in if you think she’d like it.

BoredOnMatLeave · 12/02/2018 08:08

I second the idea of having his DD in a "best man" role. No bridesmaids but they have both get a nice dress

Socksey · 12/02/2018 08:13

I also had a small wedding .... similar number of guests and 6 young nieces as well as my DSis and STBSIL to think about.... I had the 2 adults as bridesmaids and got all the young ones matching pretty party dresses for the photos.... so the little ones didn't walk me down the aisle but looked like flower girls etc in the photos (ages 2 to 9) at the time.... all were happy, includi g tbe kids and their parents.... and me 😁

blackchina · 12/02/2018 08:17

@Goodgonegirl

I agree, why would all the nieces 'expect' to be included, especially the 4 year old! I suspect it's your siblings who expect it, not them.

I am also surprised at you saying 'he thinks his 14 year old daughter should be included as a bridesmaid too.' Why the hell shouldn't she? I mean you even saying he thinks his daughter should be included is very odd. Why would you not have automatically assumed she would be a bridesmaid? Especially if YOUR daughter is one!

Also, if your daughter is 'walking you down the aisle' (so giving you away,) she can't really be bridesmaid; that's just odd.

Actually your daughter giving you away is odd too.

I think you need to rethink some stuff...

ApacheEchidna · 12/02/2018 08:42

Obviously both your daughters should be part of the "wedding party" but his daughter should be on his "team" not yours. One daughter each. It's obvious.

There is no reason to expand it to nieces or anyone else.

Norma27 · 12/02/2018 09:27

We had a similar size wedding to yours. Husband’s son was best man and his daughter was bridesmaid. Other nieces/nephews were not involved. It is your wedding so have it how you want. The two daughters as bridesmaids sounds perfect although I think the 4 year old would be ok too but only if you want that.

kaytee87 · 12/02/2018 09:32

I highly doubt your 4yo niece would expect to be a bridesmaid. Do you mean you sister or brother would expect you to include her?

Tbh I don't see the issue with having all 3, just get the 4yo a pretty white/Ivory dress and a flower for her hair.

frieda909 · 12/02/2018 09:36

*Also, if your daughter is 'walking you down the aisle' (so giving you away,) she can't really be bridesmaid; that's just odd.

Actually your daughter giving you away is odd too.

I think you need to rethink some stuff...*

What? Why?

At my dad’s second wedding, my now-stepsister gave her mum away and it was lovely. She wore the same dress as the rest of us bridesmaids and was treated as a bridesmaid for photos etc, it was just in the ceremony that she had a slightly different role. That was a wedding with about 30 guests and nobody seemed horrified that there were three bridesmaids.

My mum only had about 20 guests at hers and she had four bridesmaids! Two daughters and two of her husband’s nieces. Plus my brother giving her away and making a speech in place of the ‘father of the bride’.

I think having your two daughters as bridesmaids and your little niece as flower girl sounds lovely

steff13 · 12/02/2018 09:36

Can't your niece be a flower girl? Four is the perfect age for that.

llangennith · 12/02/2018 10:14

At 4yo a bridesmaid’s ‘duties’ would be to wear a pretty dress and walk up the aisle behind the bride. Don’t overthink the bridesmaids thing OP.
It doesn’t matter whether it’s a big or small wedding and nobody will be counting the ratio of guests to bridesmaids.

gttia · 12/02/2018 10:16

I had 4 bridesmaids for wedding with twenty of us. Our children and my neice. I gave a job to each of the eight children attending. There were only 12 adults x

Homemenu1 · 12/02/2018 10:29

Or the 14 year old dd could be part of the grooms party, maybe a best man type support person

pinkbraces · 12/02/2018 10:33

For my second wedding I practically had more attendants than guests 😂 My DD, SD, two nieces and SS. It made them all happy and our wedding was brilliant. Just go with what you want and enjoy. Congratulations

HidingFromTheWorld · 12/02/2018 12:37

Do what you want, how you want and tell anyone who dares to question your decisions to jog on. It’s your day, not theirs.

I had my best friend as my maid of honour at my wedding (23 guests) and SIL sulked forever about it. We made her son, DH’s nephew, our ring bearer but that wasn’t good enough.

She was asked to give a reading and agreed, but then emotionally declined to do so on the day citing it all as being too much for her given her newly divorced status. She stood at the back of the room dramatically mopping her eyes.

She almost ruined the day for us several times with her diva antics and, 17 years later, I am so relieved that we’ve been no contact with her for 4 years. She got worse, a lot worse.

So, this is all about you and your fiancé. Doesn’t matter what anyone else does or doesn’t want and don’t let them spoil it for you.

Have a lovely day.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/02/2018 12:44

Have both girls in special outfits, yours walks down the aisle with you, his does the rings, each can have a bouquet.

It’s up to you about niece. Might be more hassle than it’s worth and don’t be pressured by anyone else.

It wouldn’t have occurred to me not to have both my DSC in our wedding. They’re our family and it was about them as well. They’re much younger but they wanted jobs and loved being responsible. Of course his DD is in the wedding party. Odd you didn’t assume she would be tbh. It’s her dad’s big day as much as it’s yours.

ZanyMobster · 12/02/2018 13:12

I think 3 is fine for a wedding for 25 people, especially as they are immediate relations really. I wouldn't exclude your DN, it seems cruel as at 4 she would probably love it.

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