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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell him about affair

19 replies

FantaaTwistt · 11/02/2018 21:21

My ex and I have been broken up 6 months due to something unrelated to what I am about that discuss.

Early months last year I started talking to a guy while I was in a relationship. I actually felt quite besotted with this guy at first because I was recieving attention I wasn’t getting from my BF at the time. Fast forward a month into it, I had seen him a few times and admittedly we did sleep together. However things died down and we stopped talking As I admitted I was in a relationship and he was who I wanted not the other guy.

The week after my ex and I broke up I saw this guy again. We went for food and I had it on my Snapchat story. My ex added me back on it and saw the snapchat within an hour of me posting the picture. This means someone I know must’ve told him. He asked about it but i said it was a friend. I haven’t seen the other guy since that day or talked to him.

My ex and I have been trying to make things work but on the weekend he and the other guy both attended the same event. My ex recognised him and messaged me with a description trying to get me to say his name. I knew who he meant but brushed it off and made it seem like I didn’t know. I didn’t want him asking questions and obviously I didn’t want to be caught out.

He’s just asked again why I avoided the question saying I knew who he was talking about. My phone was about to die so I told him I wasn’t ignoring his message but would reply when charged. I decided to call and talk on the phone but he hasn’t picked up.

I love this man so so much but I know it wouldn’t be the best thing to be honest. It would destroy us for good and I know he has had an EA in the past.

I know I’m wrong. I feel sick with guilt and I’m shaking. I have so much going on in my life right now, I have been suicidal this week precious to this situation that’s now happening and I feel if he finds out and I lose him I will just spiral.

OP posts:

ThisLittleKitty · 11/02/2018 22:42

Yabu

Slanetylor · 11/02/2018 22:55

I'm not sure you're in the right place to go back into a serious relationship. Can you explain that you want to be with him but need a little more time on your own right now?

Also you must have broken up 6 months ago for good reason. And you also had an affair a year ago. Is ghis relationship really that good?

You were out for a meal with a friend. Your ex is understandably jealous but also you are allowed to go out for a meal with a friend.

Lifeisabeach09 · 11/02/2018 23:00

Take a step back from them both. Sort yourself out first. I strongly suggest you go non-contact with them both and get some therapy. I feel you are these relationships to avoid confronting your own personal issues.

Original poster

FantaaTwistt · 11/02/2018 23:05

I’m not in contact with the guy from the affair and haven’t been for 6 months. Ex and I have been trying to fix things and seeing the guy when he had suspicions a while ago about him has just brought it all back up.

OP posts:

Original poster

FantaaTwistt · 11/02/2018 23:07

OP posts:

R2G · 12/02/2018 00:06

I couldn't even finish reading that. Too much drama. Step away from your ex. It's over

KeepServingTheDrinks · 12/02/2018 00:11

Well, you're talking about building a relationship with someone on a lie, and that's not ideal.

And agree with others, if you've cheated on your BF before, you probably could again, so are you sure he's the one for you?

littletinyme1 · 12/02/2018 03:38

YY to the drama. Posting a pic so quickly? Why? How old are you?

Do you really want to get back with this ex? Calm down and stop living in a soap opera.

littletinyme1 · 12/02/2018 03:42

Suicidal? Wtf?
You sound hyper anxious. You can't possibly control everyone and everything. If it doesn't work out then it was never meant to be.

Take it easy, be kind to yourself and find someone to talk to about how to keep your life on a more even keel.

Pittcuecothecookbook · 12/02/2018 03:42

From experience, tell the truth. The lies and the guilt will never go away otherwise.

HerRoyalNotness · 12/02/2018 04:01

Whatever problems you had prior to this to cause you feeling suicidal, please know that any problem can be solved. Put your ex to one side for now and please get some counselling for whatever else ails you first. Then you will be able to decide other things in your life such as if your ex is the right person for you, and go from there.

BitOfFun · 12/02/2018 04:13

You need some outside help if you've been having suicidal thoughts- please see your GP.

None of this stuff is proportionate to considering ending your life- it's just the common or garden relationship woes that most adults encounter at one time or another. You will get past this, and things will look very different in twelve months. Please get some support.

OzziePopPop · 12/02/2018 04:50

Tbh, I think he already knows and that’s why he’s asking. As per PP it’s over, get some help and stay single.

Mellodrama · 12/02/2018 05:09

This really confused me; I kept getting confused as to which guy you were referring to in each of your sentences

Your ex is an ex for a reason.

roundaboutthetown · 12/02/2018 05:57

Your story is virtually incomprehensible, as it seems your ex is not currently your ex, and the guy is not currently your guy. However, if your not ex ex is still suspicious of what went on in the past and you are lying about it, and telling the truth would wreck things, then your non-relationship relationship is doomed either way. He will find out you slept with this guy and will think you are what you are currently being - an untrustworthy liar. Tell the truth and accept the consequences rather than trying to string him along and looking worse when he finds you out, which he clearly will when he clearly knows who the guy is.

roundaboutthetown · 12/02/2018 06:00

And definitely don't end your life over this. You made a mistake, you don't deserve to die for it! Seek help to learn how to deal with your mistake and anything else that is making you so unhappy and move on, rather than compounding your stress and unhappiness through deception.

TheDowagerCuntess · 12/02/2018 06:04

Oh gosh, please don't be suicidal over something so silly and temporary. It's hardly worth ending your life over.

Step back, and a bit of perspective. Maybe you just need to be single for a wee while. It's ok to be, and you will be ok.

You always have a choice.

araiwa · 12/02/2018 06:51

he obviously knows

he knows you fucked some guy whilst you were together

he is just playing games with you now. you have no chance of getting back with him

JediStoleMyBike · 12/02/2018 11:19

The thing is, you cheated. You do have to sort of own up to that and take the consequences, whether you want to be with the ex or not. Just be honest and expect that it may not end up like you want.
It does seem that you could do with some time on your own though.

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