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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which of us is the unreasonable one?

18 replies

mollied · 11/02/2018 15:22

So I met a guy online just before Christmas and everything has been going really well.

A few weeks back I started to notice that he can be really insensitive. For instance my brother really upset me with something and I told my new boyfriend about it and he responded with that I am choosing to let this upset me and so therefore just don't let it upset me. I am an emotional person and I am very close with my brother so yes I get upset if he upsets me!

Should I be more like what he is saying I should be or does this mean that if things don't upset him that he can never truly love me?

Who is the unreasonable one here?

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 11/02/2018 15:29

I don't see the problem with what he said, do you have more examples?

PatheticNamechange · 11/02/2018 15:31

He sounds like he is talking sense.

Ellendegeneres · 11/02/2018 15:31

Love? It’s only been about 6 weeks!

teaandtoast · 11/02/2018 15:32

Well, it is true. The most balanced person I have ever met, lived by this idea.

PurpleDaisies · 11/02/2018 15:33

I think you’re reading far too much into this.

UpstartCrow · 11/02/2018 15:33

It sounds less like either of you is being unreasonable, and more like you aren't compatible. He will never be there to support you emotionally, instead he will tell you to fix yourself by changing the way you feel about events.
That will never change. If that's what you want then stay with him, if it isn't then end it now.

swingofthings · 11/02/2018 15:34

I think you are right to question things if what is important to you in a relationship it to be able to have someone giving you a lot of sympathy and attention when you get upset. If this man attitude to negative feelings is to do something about it rather than expecting sympathy, then you could indeed find that you are not compatible.

It really much depends on how upsetting the situation was, whether you told him once or went on about it, and the way/tone he said it.

BoomBoomsCousin · 11/02/2018 15:40

I don’t see why it would mean he can never truly love you. But if it’s indicative of how you both handle emotion it may mean you’re not going to be that happy together long term.

I think YABU to see his comment as an indication that nothing upsets him though, unless he’s said similar in much more diverse situations.

DeathStare · 11/02/2018 15:45

Firstly, it does sound as though you are too emotional.

Secondly, it depends on exactly what happened between you and your brother. I mean if your brother told you to never speak to him ever again then your new boyfriend was being fairly insensitive. If your brother told you he didn't like your new shoes, then your new boyfriend is spot on.

Thirdly, you need to stop analysing whether he can ever truly love you after just six weeks. Maybe he will. Maybe he won't. It's probably too soon to tell. But you looking at everything he says and does and trying to work out what they mean in terms of potential future love is going to be the death of any possible relationship. Just relax and go with the flow.

MissionItsPossible · 11/02/2018 16:20

With the short context you have provided, you are.

Bluntness100 · 11/02/2018 16:23

What do you mean he can never Truely love you, it's only been a few weeks. That's not very healthy at this stage. You really shouldn't be thinking that far into the future, you hardly know the dude.

Chienrouge · 11/02/2018 16:25

Why would things not upsetting him mean he could never truly love you? I don’t get it. What does your reaction to things have to do with your ability to love?

ThisLittleKitty · 11/02/2018 16:45

You only just met just before Christmas and you already "love" eachother? All sounds abit intense? You do sound waaaaay over sensitive. Yabvu

forcryinoutloud · 11/02/2018 17:19

I don't know about unreasonable but I find this sort of response not particularly helpful. Like you can choose to be upset or not like you can choose whether to wear a skirt or trousers? It's not as simple as that.

I've learned that the best way to deal with someone feeling upset in situations like this is to at least acknowledge that they are upset and understand why they might feel upset. After that maybe start pitchin g in with a bit of advice. But telling someone they should nt feel upset is really off, you can't tell someone what their own emotions should be but you can advise.

sorry, I can't comment on the rest of the relationship, it's early days here. Good luck.

BoomBoomsCousin · 11/02/2018 17:23

”Like you can choose to be upset or not like you can choose whether to wear a skirt or trousers?”

In a lot of situations it really is up to you whether you’re going to be upset about something, see it in a different light, or just let it go. While it may not be the ideal way to respond to upset in the moment, helping someone realise this is a gift. People who think they have no control over their emotions are trapped in a much narrower world than they need to live in.

Original poster
mollied · 14/02/2018 16:37

Thanks for everyones help and advice. I think the relationship will continue and I should try to be less emotional all the time!

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 14/02/2018 17:02

Well he’s right. When someone does something to you, they are not upsetting you or making you angry. That may be how you respond, but they haven’t forced you to respond that way and you can change the way you feel.

Your brother may have said something that you found upsetting, but it might also have made you angry, or who knows, it might have even made you laugh. Your response is within your control though.

ChasedByBees · 14/02/2018 17:03

Actually, this is problematically codes into our language. A small correction to the above, no one ‘makes us’ laugh and no one ‘makes us’ angry.

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