constantly unhappy toddler

[goingunder5555]

hi don't really know why im posting guess I just need to vent single mum to a toddler who's nearly 2. I love her to bits but recently life is becoming impossible I know children are demanding but it's constant all day every day she whines & screams if
things are not exactly the way she wants ,but even when things are going her way she still whines nothing works giving in ,saying no ..nothing I don't get 1 min to myself ever she won't play on her own and if she sees me sitting for a coffee she pulls me up and crys till I stand up and go and play . she wants constant attention even if she's at soft play with her friends I have to sit with her basically lift her around the play center she won't go down slides or climb herself . she's got no developmental delay without sounding braggy quite advanced can have a full conversation with her excellent cordination . she seems so unhappy all the time I just don't know what to do and I am really struggling to cope I basically live every day doing exactly as my toddler says I am not in control she is. so what do I do ? .

Must be so hard, sorry you're going through this. I agree with others in that you need to take control back. I think it won't take long at this age for her to get the message. Your might be thinking she'll dislike you if you change but she really won't. You're everything to her. Just be firm and stop treating her to toys everyday. Make treats part of your reward system for good behaviour maybe. And give her breakfast etc with no discussion.
I hope I don't sound preachy, as I'm definitely not a perfect patent, but from what you've said it's quite clear that you need to get a bit tougher for everyone's benefit.

Toddlers can be hard.

Learn to say no.

At home, let her tantrum. If someone gave me what I wanted every time I screamed I’d scream a lot. When out if she tantrums then still let her tantrum but remove her from where she is and take her home.
Some toddlers struggle more than others to control their emotions. My DD would and occasionally still does throw herself against the wall and smash her head against it. Its very worrying. I obviously have to stop this so I hold her until this stage is over but at other times when she can’t hurt herself I let her tantrum.

It doesn’t have to be all harsh for example when my toddler asks me to play when I’m doing something I try to phrase it in a ‘yes’ rather than ‘no’ way. Ie ‘oooh yes I’d love to build a cave with you. I’m just washing up then I’ll help you. What shall we make the roof out of’. Rather than ‘no, not just now I’m washing up’. But don’t just drop what you’re doing immediately every time.

And I would go into soft play to encourage DD round (very shy). Once she was happy I’d leave her to it. I wouldn’t lift her over things unless she couldn’t physically do it and even then I’d help her do it rather than do it for her.

Erm I think you'll find you're the adult and you call the shots

Being a good mother is giving your child boundaries - giving in to demands is not helping

She's unhappy because the boundaries are blurred - you need to step up and be the boss - so she doesn't have to be.

It doesn't have to involved shouting - a firm no and let her cry it out - they soon understand a no means no and accept it.

She will have a hard time at school if you don't set these up young because no way can a teacher give in to her demands.

I think you're exhausted so are giving in for a (hopefully) easy life, but children need boundaries to feel safe. Do you have any family or friends that can help you out and give you a break? That way you can have some breathing time.

Think about your ground rules. Give simple choices. Eg for breakfast toast or cereal - no chocolate!; when out, buggy or hold my hand. If she refuses the choice make it for her. Expect lots of whining until she gets used to this new routine.
Make housework a game if you can, sing/dance with a duster/hoover.

But first, get some support for you from friends/family so you are not so exhausted, physically and emotionally. If you are drinking to help you, you know that's not the way to solve it. If you can't stop, please ask for help.

What I find helps in my case when I desperately need to do something is to tell dd we are going to play. We then do something like puzzles for around 15 minutes, then I get out colouring book and crayons and we will colour in together for around another 10 mins. I can then usually wonder off and make a coffee/clean. She will normally carry on colouring by herself for another 10 mins or so then asks to watch TV so I'll put a couple of episodes of Bing on which buys me another 10 mins. Basically, she has my undivided attention for around 20-30 minutes. Painting also works well. My dd loves it more than anything else so I often set it up in the kitchen, she paints and I can clean.

I am a bit at a new toy every day. I don't mean to sound like a sanctimonious cow but a few months ago we started to toy rotate so she only has around 10 toys available at a time plus art stuff and we change some around each week. She's played by herself much better since we implemented this.

You say you buy her new toys every day. Why? Children lean to do what works so whining and clinging gets her your attention and new toys so she will keep on doing that. There are lots of articles about the downsides to too many toys. They are over stimulated, don't get past the initial exploration stage of playing with them and ignore them. This will be contributing to her inability to play alone. Also, chocolate for breakfast? Really? You know that is not being a 'good mum'

Yep, mine was exactly the same and I pandered to him terribly. Thankfully got away with it - he's now 6 and pretty independent, though at the time I thought that day would never come!

The phrase "making a rod for your own back" springs to mind! Truly you do need to start helping this little lass to know who is the adult here; and giving no boundaries for her will have a detrimental effect. No boundaries = insecure = frightened = making more fuss and trying to control her environment to make her feel safe. There will be a lot of tantrums and altercations at this age, and your time will not be your own, but she needs to know that you are the strong adult who will defend her - if she knows that she can manipulate you, who can she turn to for protection from perceived threats?

Some positive ideas: get on with what you have to do and engage her in it (making a laundry basket "train" to take the washing to the machine - shall we put the big things in first or the little ones? Wow you are good at that job!; I am going to make the dinner now and need you to help - can you open the bin by yourself and put this empty packet in? If I open the fridge can you get me a tomato out? etc. etc.)

You need to get her onside so you are doing things together some of the time and not constantly having competing needs, where she has to fight her corner, and you are constantly wanting to escape from her to get on with things.

And you are allowed to put your feet up with a cup of coffee! - maybe this could be her TV moment?

Good luck - it is hard work at that stage, but helping this little lass to know you are the adult who is in control will help her development enormously and you will reap the rewards later.

In the nicest way you are spoiling her too much.
She now rules the roost! You need to take that back. It's important children have boundaries. They need to know what's going to happen, what will happen next, and cause and consequence.
You have to learn to say no! If not, this will only get worse. Sorry!

She sounds fairly normal to me. With dd I reckon it was a mixture of frustration at communication limitations, control, teething (hang in there it'll be over soon!) and general bugs and colds.

There's a certain amount of gritting your teeth and getting on with it. But I agree with posters who say to carve out a definite 20 mins or so just to play or draw can be helpful.

I'm also another poster who thinks that amount of new toys is bonkers. Where do you keep it?!? Children don't put the same value we do on having new things - we learnt that and they need to learn to want things too otherwise they won't understand it's a treat bribe and just treat it as how the world should be.

Nursery is worth looking at if you think she might get anything from it. There's a lot to be learned from peers and other adults and to be honest you sound like you could do with the break.

From a totally non-judgemental, non preachy point of view... I noticed that during December my 2 year old was WAY more whiny and grumpy with me in the morning, and do you know what, I am almost certain it was from the chocolate advent calendar sugar hit he was getting every morning.
Once January arrived (and he finally stopped asking for the “Adven Clanger” every morning) his behaviour evened out again.
Chocolate for breakfast would turn my toddler into a nightmare - and if I ate chocolate for breakfast, once the sugar comedown hits I would be grumpy too!
Give her a bowl of cereal/porridge/fruit/toast and I bet you’ll see at least a slight improvement.
Remember you are in charge here.
Unmumsnetty hugs to you!

Write a list of rules and stick to them.

Buggy: she must go in it or you'll end up with a serious accident. Holding hands-refusal; how do you cross roads safely?

In the nicest way you are spoiling her too much.
She now rules the roost

This. Chocolate for breakfast and a new toy everyday? She gets her own way! She’s 2, you’re the parent. Learn to say no. Yes she will probably have a temper tantrum but she needs to know you’re the parent.

If she won’t hold hands then buy some reins, there are some nice animal backpack ones. We used them with my DS as he was a bolter. You don’t have to shout but she needs to learn she can’t have everything.

You don't have to shout or be cross to be firm. You are giving her choices way beyond what she is capable of. If you always give in to her how will she learn that she can't always have everything her own way? Let her whinge a bit.

2 year olds are whiney! My little one is 19 mths was v easy going n independent but definitely since Christmas she's getting more n more whiney n clingy n flipping out if she doesn't get what she wants. My elder dd was the same. My Ds wasn't as bad but he was two when dd1 was a baby so didn't notice or I can't remember! I understand giving in the odd time - we all do it! Don't give into a habit like choc for breakfast buying a toy everytime u out n if she won't hold hands it's into the buggy kicking n screaming if needs be! I find fresh air tires her n puts her in better form so try to get her out in buggy for walk every day n let her run around the park a bit or whatever. But it's not easy!

You should be able to get nursery funding for her at 2. Please use it and send her a couple of days a week. It will give you a break and will be great for her development.

She sounds very normal op..my kids would not have done soft play without me st that stage either.

Both mine were in part time childcare though which i can assure you made me a better happier parent!! I cannot imagine being full time sahm to a 2 ye old it would do my head in

I would get her in with a childmjnder or nursery 2 or 3 mornings a week.

New toy every day and chocolate for breakfast????

I feel your pain op I have a nightmare 2 year old myself but you must surely know your doing yourself no favours allowing things like this to go on?

Don’t be afraid of saying no
Don’t be afraid of her tantrums . Let her scream it out and then not get her way and the next time won’t be as bad . Be firm but I know this takes energy but it will be better for you both in the long run
Go for it meet them head on Burnett calm remove your attention by turning away when she screams , leave the room .
Implement reward charts for good behaviour . No more toys when out let her tantrum it out there and then it will pass It won’t be as bad the next time

I used to just take DD out a lot - we would walk and walk, often just to the shop but would go to the furthest one she could manage.
She was always much easier to handle once she had been out.

She's 9 now and it's almost the same still - if she has a good outing she's much happier being in at home.

@BrutusMcDogface whiteboard marker just comes straight off fridges, as long as she knows you only use the special pens and doesn't use any other it's fine

Agree with all those saying that toddlers need boundaries to feel secure.

Read the book Simplicity Parenting. It's wonderful and will probably be very helpful for you