To be shocked that DH didn’t make dinner

[Georgeofthejungle]

I told him I’d call when I got out of my meeting at 4ish. I didn’t get out until 5.15 and my battery had died.
I get home a 6 to find DS eating some soup and DH’s dad heating some soup for himself (as he had been invited for dinner in a casual way).

I asked DH why he hadn’t started dinner and he said because he was waiting for me to call. I asked him what he expected to happen -me to come home at 6pm and make dinner for him (which incidentally I did (mug))? Told him I couldn’t believe he’d not made some dinner and he should have taken some initiative.

He is now sulking and I can almost gaurentee if I asked ( which I bloody wont) why he’s sulking he’ll tell me it’s because he doesn’t like how I speak to him sometimes. I more think it’s more like he doesn’t like WHAT I’m saying but whatever. It means I can watch what I like tonight so maybe it’s a win! 🙄

AIBU to think he should have taken some initiative and made a proper dinner having not heard from me?

He may have thought he didn’t want to cook when he didn’t know when you were going to get in, as you might not have been home in time to eat it, or have thought as you planned something you wanted to make it, or known you wanted to make Paella and so didn’t want to start something else? And yeah 5pm is very early! What on earth is wrong with starting dinner at 6 to eat at 6.30-7?! As long as he’s fed DS the adults can wait. If you’d come in and said “I’m knackered, make the dinner would you” and he’s said “no you cook it” he’s have been unreasonable. Waiting until you come in (as you always cook and had said what you wanted to cook) isn’t that weird. If I don’t hear from DH that he’s on the train/where he is on the journey I’ll not start dinner.

Oh dear annie I think you are right :( I’m going to have to bloody apologise now.

In MY defence though, he didn’t know there wasn’t much else until he started looking when I got home.

You see I would not have remarked on his choice of meal.

Soup for dinner? Where's mine? Or just made a little for supper for myself.

With all this fuss ime you are simply agreeing this is your role.

The only way to stop it being your role is not to do it. And not to comment on his choices when you are not there.

It's hard work creating the habits you want. As with a toddler, you have to go hard core.

My Dad would do the same as your DH did, because he’s so used to being told what to do by my Mum and if he ever does do something on his own initiative, it’s always wrong according to her.

It was only 6pm, he did try to look for the recipe, he was expecting you to ring so he could have asked you then and started cooking while you made your way home. I think you should cut him some slack.

Yes, I like that approach wilting. I’ll remember that one.

learned helplessness

^

Brilliant phrase

I wouldn't have cooked if I was in your dhs position.
I wouldn't have known as you hadn't called, if you were planning to pick up a take away on way home, shop on way home, gone out for a spontaneous dinner with a friend or whatever.

I don’t blame him not starting cooking until he heard from you. Paella is one of those meals that is best eaten when cooked.

It would have been different if he hadn’t fed
Ds.

I don’t understand why people are focusing on the meal time. Seems reasonable for a young child. Dinner, play for a bit, bath and bed around 7:30. Plenty of time to be calm and relaxed with the routine.

Sorry, cross post (slow typing). Didn’t mean to rub it in when you’ve already said you’ll apologise.

Eating at 5pm is very early anyway

Lots of people eat at 5pm!

My dh is like this. Doesn't cook so its left to me. Says he doesn't know how but I know that's a lie because he is good at most things but he chooses never to cook in case he gets lumbered doing it. Sometimes, it can really annoy me. However, he did make the kids dinner [beans on toast] when I was ill. He is quite lazy though.

When I was growing up, meal times were at around 5:30pm.

Its better to eat earlier is it not?

If he had have cooked, and he'd had the paella you wanted at 5pm ready for you, would you have been cross with him when you finally walked in an hour later to cold paella and nothing left in the fridge?
I don't think he could have won here, as he's not psychic (presumably).

You should apologise - if I was expecting DH to call and tell me when he was leaving, I wouldn’t start dinner until I heard from him.

We've always eaten at 5.30pm. It suits us all and everyone's hungry at that time, having eaten lunch around 12.30.

But that's not what the OP is asking.

I think YABU because how was he to know how much later the meeting was going to go on for, or if there were any traffic hold-ups etc?

I think I would have waited to hear from you too. As long as DS was fed.

Lots of people eat at 5pm!

...if they're having a late lunch? Maybe.....!

George

In MY defence though, he didn’t know there wasn’t much else until he started looking when I got home

Phew, I didn’t but think you were going to come up with anything! Obviously he is BVU. Obviously.

Oh dear annie I think you are right. I’m going to have to bloody apologise now

Oh I wouldn’t go THAT far, let sleeping dogs lie.

😁

arethereanyleftatall of course I’d not be mad at that. I’m not a total nightmare.

I apologised - he says he is ‘very angry’ with me for having a go at him in front of his dad. 🙁

I'd have been annoyed that he left his dad to heat up his own soup, and didn't do some for him alongside DS's. That should have been well within his grasp. He sounds a bit rubbish in terms of getting people fed, even if you'd left him a bit stranded this time. I'd introduce a new system where he does the cooking more often to avoid this apparent shock to the system for him.

Seriously? Bet his dad agreed with you.

I have to say I’m that he thought it was to let his dad, who was INVITED to eat, prepare his own soup because ‘he couldn’t find the recipe’.

So his dad somehow managed to put something together for himself but he, even though he is actually liv8ng in said house, couldnt.

Why on earth did you apologise???
You’ve just ended up in a situation where your DH played the helpless and hopeless man and still got away with it!
What your DH has learnt there is that if he tries hard enough and is a complete prick (even towards his own father) he can get away with murder.

I don't know what I would have done in his shoes because if someone is late/out of contact I would probably wait till I had some idea of timing if we were going to eat together. I'd be more worried by the whole 'don't undermine me in front of my dad' thing.

I would LOVE to eat early and sometimes do but DP tends to be at work 12 hours + and is usually not home from work till 8 or 9.30 and sometimes later. I fondly remember eating tea around Neighbours/home and away time.

NotReadyToMove The DH's dad was heating some soup for himself, not making it from scratch.

I’ve since been updated to learn that DH was heating the soup but his dad had said to him to see to DS and he would do it