To think this is a bit much?

[CanklesByPauline]

Feel bad posting this by here goes. My fil is a lovely man and recently he's developed a non serious but irritating condition. He's under gp and has been referred on. The thing is he's obsessed with this condition and says he can't wait for the appointment so we researched for him to go private. When presenting him with the options he moaned about every one of them so we gave up.
He's phoning dh every day about this and even when he's told were busy as we have a new baby he goes on and on. I've told dh not to answer the phone when were busy!! I think he's lonely as he moans about that I've suggested cycling or golf but he finds and excuse not to do it. Some people just want to moan don't They?!? And yes I am overinvested

we've agreed he's not to answer when the baby is at appointments.

Okay thats great, whats the problem then?

Unless the issue isn't just the FIL ringing during appointments - which I suspect was the case all along really.

It sounds as if you have a dh problem as the adage goes. Your dh should absolutely be ignoring a phone call in certain situations. Is he prepared to sit down with your fil and talk to him about getting a support network. Ie spend time with friends and other people with his hobbies and interests.. You’ve got a lot on your plate. I take it he’s retired.

He's playing a game called "Why don't you...Yes but" (WDYYB).

It goes like this, he has a problem, he tells you about the problem, you seek a solution for his problem...But he always finds a reason not to follow your ideas for solving his problem.

The benefits to him are that he has involved someone else (a problem shared is a problem halved) so doesn't feel isolated, and he's placed the responsibility for his problem on you. He doesn't take up any of the ideas to solve his problem because then he would be isolated again.

If eventually he does follow one of your suggestions, his problem won't be solved to his satisfaction and he will blame you as he followed your suggestion, so he has neatly avoided responsibility for his own problem again.

Another time, don't get involved, let him deal with it himself.

He sounds incredibly tiresome, no-one wants to listen about someone's irritating but not that serious condition when they see them twice a week and heard about it all yesterday. Of course there can be limits to one's sympathy, most people I know try not to moan too much as they know it wears other people out- god, I've got friends and relations with really serious conditions and they don't phone every single day to go on about them!

Some people don't want solutions but a sound board to moan at which seems to be your husband. Can you be a bit carrot and stick. Spend more time with him but under the guise of old people socials at churches, bowling ect hopefully might find a kindred moany spirit

Thanks for your understanding pp. I agree next time i need to step back.

@AdaColeman brilliant post.

I had this with my Dad and his bad back. I'm a physio. He'd tell me about it, moan etc but then never take any advice. His friend recommended voltarol. I had to stop him and say look - I'm not going to agree with what you're doing. Please stop telling me.

I'm not sure I've explained that well, but you think I was doing physio as a hobby not y'know qualified.

*specific details of medicine and condition changed

What age is your FIL - could there be more wrong than just the skin condition if is not how he usually behaves. I'm sure you are being very supportive and I wonder how many posters who are telling you that you at being unsympathetic have been through this kind of situation. We are also experiencing something similar and if the phone calls are frequent, long and achieve nothing (not even any relief for the caller) , and its the same content each time with no resolution then I would defy anyone not to find it frustrating to deal with . And in those situations it can be acceptable to not encourage the other person to continue to behave in this way as it is not resolving the issue. That may involve not always answering the phone.

He's in his 70s. I think it's because he's on his own and he does get obsessed with things as he's got alot of time on his hands

could he be depressed or developing dementia - that might make him forget about how many times he has phoned or be a bit less aware of the impact his phone calls could be having

Depression maybe. Don't think he is developing dementia. I just think he's getting obsessed with this condition

I’ve found, in my family at least, that older people who spend a lot of time alone tend to ruminate. They don’t have the distraction of work or children to dilute the problem and so it becomes the biggest thing in their life, even if it’s small to the outside world. Similarly, I’ve also got a SAHM friend who is so eager to offload her day onto me at school pick up, sometimes I avoid her. I feel awful but it’s like she hasn’t spoken to anyone all day and just rants at me. It’s so draining and I just want to chat to my DC when I collect them!

Sounds draining sprinkles